29 September 2008


Wolf and I talked tonight. Like, for a while.

We talked about our past. We talked about that vague, nagging hope that we both have for a future together.

Wolf : Hugs. Thinking of you. Kisses.
Me: *tight hugs* I've been thinking about you all day. How are you love?
Wolf: Miss you bunches.
Me: Miss you too. I'm feeling really strangely vulnerable tonight and I'd give a hell of a lot to curl up against you
Me: You make me feel safe, and I'm kinda really wanting that right now
Wolf: I'll always do my best to keep you safe.
Me: I know, love, and that's one of the reasons it's you I'm craving right now
Wolf: You always bring out a possesive protective animal side of me
Me: *nods* Do you remember that I told you once that you make me want to both roll over and show you my belly, offer you my throat
Me: And at the same time sink my teeth into yours and claim you as mine
Wolf: Makes me want to hold you and take you all in the same breath.
Me: *nods* Exactly
Wolf: Not sure what to feel/do. I have so many mixed feelings
Wolf: I want you to make your decisions. And live your life as you want it to be.
Me: Which is admirable, but how can I make a decision without it being an informed decision?
Wolf: I don't want to influence your decisions.
Wolf: I want them to be yours
Me: Wolf, you've been influencing my decisions for nearly 10 years. What makes you think that will change now?
Wolf: You know how I feel.
Wolf: And what I want.
Wolf: But I'm not going to push you either way
Me: *nods* I do know. But there's more than loving and wanting to anything. And other than that loving and wanting, I don't know what's going on in your head
Wolf: I've made mistakes with you in the past. I'm trying not to do it again. I do care. Way more than I should. More than is probably good.
Me : *tight hugs* We've both made mistakes. Your mistake wasn't pushing me, it was pushing me away. Don't ever be afraid of pushing me in regards to how you feel.
Wolf: But I wouldn't change how I feel even if I could.
Me: *smiles* Good, because neither would I
Wolf: I'm trying not to let myself get scared and push you away again.
Me: I know. And you have no idea how much I appreciate it. You really don't. The way you've let yourself be open to me has been.... incredible. I don't know the words for how much it's meant to me
Me: this just came on my pandora and made me think of you: Tracy Chapman "Baby Can I Hold You"

One of the things that killed us 7 years ago was his inability to open up to me. I felt vulnerable, but in an unpleasantly one-sided way. I was completely transparent to him, to use the D/s buzzword, but he was utterly opaque to me. So I took that the way that any 17 year old would: obviously, he didn’t care enough to talk to me. It never occurred to me that maybe he was as terrified as I was. It never occurred to me that maybe he was scared and hurting, too. After all, he had gone to great lengths to portray himself as strong and in control and confident.

Give me a break. I was 17 and I worshipped him. I didn’t know any better.

Now, I look at him, at us, at what we used to be, and what we have been, and could have been, and could still be, and I wonder. I wonder if maybe we could do it right this time.
And then that cynical side of me raises her pragmatic head, and I wonder how he’d handle me cutting Lucivar’s chest and licking the blood from the wound. And I wonder how he’d handle my sleeping wrapped around Kat and him kneeling before me. I wonder what that possessive animal side of him would think of me coming home with someone else’s scent rubbed into my skin.

And that’s when I sigh and realize that I doubt I will ever have him again.

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