17 September 2008

Defining 'sex'

So lately I’ve been thinking a lot about sex, and definitions of sex. Jack and I have been having to define it very carefully, as we slowly explore polyamory together. Since I have another partner (Kat), and he doesn’t, this means that our definitions are a little one-sided right now. Personally, I am open poly by nature: once we find him a girl he’s welcome to fuck her seven ways to Sunday. However, when we got together 2 years ago, his response to the idea of poly was, “Why would anyone want to do that?” so I’m not pushing his limits too much.

Pushing limits is fun. Breaking them is not.

So right now, we’re working on defining sex. Relatively obviously, cock + pussy = sex. I personally also define anal and oral sex as- imagine it- sex! But here’s where we get tricky: my seeing him masturbate, sex? Him seeing me (a very special treat, which he has not earned yet regardless of how we define it)? What about my just playing with his cock? Torturing it? His nudity? My nudity?

Where is the line of “sex” drawn? I know where it’s drawn for me. When something other than my own hand/tool in my hand penetrates me, or my hand is on his cock with intention of his cumming, then it’s sex for me. But I know that those are well into the territory that Jack sees as sex, so where does he draw the line?

It’s amazing how hard it is to get even someone as comfortable with their sexuality as Jack is to really talk/think about that. He keeps shying away from it, asking me to talk to him before any time I might go farther. Um, to quote my father (as strange as that is to do in my kink blog!): “Sounds good on paper”. In reality, it’s kind of difficult to interrupt a scene to call him (and he never answers the phone on the first try!) and ask, “So, honey, I’ve got Kat tied up and I’m cropping his front, mind if I wrap my hand around his cock to better brace it while I crop it?”

Riiiiiggghhht. That’s gonna happen.

So we’ve pretty much settled into this: I come up with scenarios I think might end up happening, then ask him what he thinks about them. If they’re too far outside his limits, we discuss ways they could be tweaked to make him more comfortable. It’s imperfect, but it works.

“So honey, I was thinking about putting mini clothespins all over Kat’s ballsac…”

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