Bruised inside

"Out Is Through"
Alanis Morrissette

Every time you raise your voice
I see the greener grass
Every time you run for cover
I see this pasture
Every time we're in a funk
I picture a different choice
Every time we're in a rut
This distant grandeur

My tendency to want to do away feels natural and
My urgency to dream of softer places feels understandable
The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

Every time I'm confused
I think there must be easier ways
Every time our horns are locked on towel throwing
Every time we're at a loss, we've bolted from difficulty
Anytime we're still made of final bowing
My tendency to want to hide away feels easier and
The immediacy is picturing another place comforting to go

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

We could just walk away and hide our heads in the sand
We could just call it quits, only to start all over again
With somebody else
Every time we're stuck in struggle,
I'm down for the count that day
Every time I dream of quick fix I'm assuaged
Now I know it's hard when it's through
And I'm damned if I don't know quick fix way
But formerly mistreat me silence now outdated
My tendency to want to run feels unnatural now
The urgency to want to give to you I don't want most feels good

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

Jack and I had a meeting with our therapist, the inestimable Gloria Brame, today. It was... hard. The discussion started out really sounding as though she felt that we should break up. We told her about the growing distance, and the abortive attempt at intercourse that ended with me flashing back to the rape and then having panic attacks all the next day.
She pointed out that I have been feeling pressured recently with everything going on, that I feel guilty about enjoying myself so much when I'm out (where I don't feel pressured). Then, I get home, feel pressured to not show the guilt and 'fix' things (after all, I'm the female- fixing relationship things is my job), and when I can't I feel more guilty, more like escaping, and more pressure to come home and fix it.
Nasty cycle much?
So that growing pressure somehow equated in my head with the pressure I felt during the rape.

The conversation continued, and Jack got steadily more uncomfortable, feeling like what I really want is open poly and he's keeping me from that. Eventually, he got up and started packing again. I was torn between screaming and crying, but I kept the conversation going and just updated Gloria.

I folowed him in and forced the conversation a little, not letting him shut us out, and we eventually talked through it again. He has been feeling like he is holding me back, and I have been feeling like I'm dragging him forward. We've both been having a lot of trouble processing and dealing with that, but we agreed (after much more discussion) that that's okay. We balance each other, and that's no bad thing- I'm impulsive, selfish, and self-absorbed. I just am, and I'm okay with that- anyone who can't deal with it needs to not be around me. I dive into things headfirst, with boundless enthusiasm and a frightening capacity to get hurt- having someone slow me down and force me to stop and think my way through things is no bad thing.
And he gets weighed down by inertia, so having someone tugging him forward is no bad thing for him either.

Anyway, there was more to it than that. A lot more. The highlights, however, are that we love each other, we're committed to one another as primaries, everyone else is temporary. That we need to make a bigger effort to reconnect (more time out together and gym time, we're thinking), and that we want to keep trying.
And that neither of us has the right to end the relationship until we move.

Oh yeah, and that we need to make out more :-D