27 September 2008

Universal kick in the ass

Okay, I plan on keeping this focus of this blog on kink. I really do.

But I’ve been thinking about this, which means I’m going to write about it.

I’m pagan. I have been since I was 13- over 10 years now, wow I kinda feel old :)
Over the last 5 years or so, though, I’ve drifted farther and farther away from ‘traditional’ paganism, because, to be blunt, I don’t like most of the people in it. Not unlike the kink community, no? I love the scene, I hate many of the people in it.

Pagans as a group annoy me, though. I am extremely pragmatic, and something of a skeptic.
Yes, you can be a pagan and a skeptic. I believe in magick, and in evolution. I do spellwork, but am skeptical about hypnosis.

I never claimed to be clear or consistent.

But see, let me quickly explain how I view magick and spellwork. A spell is just a prayer with props, first off. My lighting a candle and chanting my goal over and over is no different from you praying for it. It’s all energy applied to a goal. Basic physics. So it’s emotional/magickal/spiritual energy as opposed to physical energy… I don’t believe that makes it any less real, because I’ve felt the energy moving and I’ve seen my goals realized.

And after a good working, I feel as energized (high, almost) as I do after a good workout. Empirical evidence. Not always accurate, but it works for me.

So anyway, back to the point.
I drifted away from paganism for a while, and joined the Unitarian Universalists. I am a proud, happy UU, involved in my fellowship and close friends with my minister and his husband. But I’ve kinda missed paganism. Oh, I have a house altar, but when was the last time I thought to light a candle on it? When was the last time I celebrated a Full Moon?

It’s, um, been a while. I tried to restart the Coven of Unitarian Universalist Pagans at my fellowship, but I had too much going on to be its sole leadership/motivation, and it lapsed again.

So here’s where the Universe comes in and starts gently kicking my ass.

I am not what Kat wants long-term. This isn’t as much of a random statement as it sounds, I promise. I’m not what he’s looking for in the long run, as much as what we have now means to most of us. So I told him that I’d like to help him remind the Universe that he is looking, and does want to find the Domme he’s looking for. So I asked his permission to do a working for him. That means a spell. Yes, I know, I just got dumped into the category of “weird woo-woo people” in your head. Fuck off. :)

He gave his permission, and I started thinking about it. But life interfered, and things came up, and it got relegated to the back of my mind as a “one of these days I’ll get time for that”s.
Until about 2 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago, I woke up from an incredibly vivid dream. Another segue: I don’t dream much. And when I do, they’re wispy things that dissolve as soon as sunlight shimmers through my window. But not this one. I dreamt that I was at a Renaissance Festival, and I was shopping for Kat’s spell. I had in my hand 3 stones: rose quartz for love, jade for longevity, and chalcedony.

Let it be mentioned that I didn’t know what chalcedony was. I knew it was a stone, but I’d never seen it, never used it. I had no idea what it was used for, or why I would use it in a working to bring Kat together with the person he’s meant for. I only knew that that was what was in my hand and that it’s name was burned onto my tongue. The next morning, I could still taste the flavor of the trees I walked under at the Festival, and the word ‘chalcedony’ was burned into my mind.
The dream didn’t end with the stones, though. I sat down under the shade of a vendor’s booth with a think, heavy pillar candle in my hand. The traditional color for love workings is some shade of red, but this one in my hand was a deep, warm, golden yellow that made me think of hearthfires and home. I can even right this moment feel its weight in my hand. I used my sharp thumbnail (which I don’t have, as both Kat and Danny can attest), and wrote into it words that described what he wants, what he’s seeking. And while the pillar was in my hand, I woke up. I could still smell the beeswax.

So, Bella for a kick in the ass from the Universe. A gentle one, as such kicks go, but a kick nonetheless. I resolved to go shopping once I got to Atlanta this past weekend, because there are no stores where I live where I could find the objects from my dream.

And that’s when the Universe grabbed me by the back of the neck and decided that it was time for me to Pay Attention. Wolf told me that right near his shop is a little pagan store, and sent me there while he worked on my car. So I went. And it was perfect. I even found blue chalcedony. I coudln;t find quite the right pillar- or, well, I did, but it was out of what I could convince myself to pay.

So I bought a small votive, the stones, and a pouch for him to carry the stones in once they’re charged.

Then I left them in my car, on what I thought was a cool weekend, and returned to find the votive melted. Nothing else damaged, just the votive melted and useless.

Okay, okay, I get it. I was supposed to use a pillar that I can carve words into.

So I went back Monday, and bought a pillar. Smaller than I’d like, but budget is still an issue. I suggested to the Universe (rather acidly) as I was buying this (again!) that perhaps if it wanted me to buy things out of my price range, it should provide me the money to do it.

Um. Ever heard the old saying, “be careful what you wish for”?


They called me later that evening. The store, that is. They did a drawing. For a $50 gift card.

And I won it.

*flushes brightly* I think maybe the Universe wants me to get involved in my religion again.

I think maybe it’s going to get even more insistent if I try to ignore it.

I think I might not enjoy it if It has to get any more insistent than it’s already gotten.

Yes, Ma’am.


  1. I'm struck by your kick in the ass by the universe. I'm getting more involved in a neo-monastic group (link below). We read from the rule of Benedict; this week's was on discerning God's (universe if you prefer) will. I had to ask, in relation to my path, if there was such a thing as certainty.

    "Certainty is the anathema of humility." Being humble is an aspect of the Benedictine life. I've not been one to be accused of knowing humility, but I am learning it.


  2. Wow, that sounds very appealing. I know better than to think that I am suited to a simple life, but it does still carry a great deal of appeal for me. Sometimes, as much as I love the various complications in my life, I love the idea of a monastic lifestyle, albeit in this case neo-monastic and without a central 'monastery'.
    It's interesting that you don't think of yourself as humble. Perhaps we have different definitions. To me, humility is an awareness of one's faults as well as strengths, without the false humility of pretending those strengths don't exist. By my definition, you are one of the most humble people I know.

  3. Monasticism is hard to have on your own, without a community. You may as well otherwise be a hermit or an ascetic and I don't know the state of your coven. But I recommend you try to set a daily or twice weekly time with the Goddess/infinite and try to keep Her in your life.

  4. That's certainly a good point. Jennifer is trying to restart CUUPS, but I'm just unsure of how much involvement I want to have in it. I definitely think I need to start taking some time to spend with Spirit, though. Church helps, but I need some specifically pagan time.
    The New Moon was 2 days ago, and the Full will fall over DomCon. I'm planning on doing a working them anyway, but meanwhile I think a walk under the moon would do me a lot of good.


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