Some thoughts on love and possession

I told an ex of mine not terribly long ago that I wanted him happy more than I wanted him mine.
I didn’t think this was such an incredible concept. Surely to want anything else for your loved one is selfish, no?
Apparently, most of the world is selfish. Or at least, most of the people I know.

I watched two of my friends get their hearts broken recently. One of my best guy friends is in love with a girl who isn’t in love with him. Oh, she claims to be, but if she were for real, she’d stop leading him on and causing problems in his relationship with his girlfriend. His girlfriend is an amazing woman- beautiful, driven, and talented. But he’s so wrapped up in this girl that he can’t see it and he’s losing her slowly.

I don’t understand this kind of behavior. I’ve been in love with someone else while in a relationship. I have ex issues, I freely admit it. When I fall for someone, I do it forever, and that means I’m still in love with a couple of my exes. One in particular has been a weakness of mine for years. I’ve thought about him, fantasized about him, wished for him… but dammit, I have tried very hard not to make my partners feel like shit while I’ve done it. I know that getting back with this ex is a fantasy. His outlook on relationships is completely incompatible with mine- and so are my friend’s and the girl’s he’s so into. (Boy that wasn’t a confusing bunch of pronouns!)

I guess I don’t understand why this girl keeps playing him. Why she keeps telling him how awful her boyfriend is and how much she loves him… but that she’s staying with the boyfriend. Why she keeps him on a string, to the detriment of his relationships and life in general. Is her self-esteem so low? Does she truly want control over him more than she wants him to be happy? If so, I just don’t consider that real love. It’s too selfish to be love. So when I see him tearing up his relationship over her, I just want to scream, “What are you doing?! If you would break up with your girlfriend to be with this woman, then you need to not be with your girlfriend. Period. Obviously, she’s just a placeholder in your life because you can’t have the one you really want- or at least that’s what it looks like to the rest of us- and that’s selfish and unethical.”

You can’t tell me that this kind of shit is love. Some twisted form of lust and possession, maybe,
but not love.

Am I really that much of a saint, or are these three as fucked up as I think they are?