15 September 2008

Balance, I'm trying for balance

I'm supposed to be studying for two tests, a debate, a quiz, and a round-table discussion.

And what am I doing? I'm talking to Kat and blogging. Of course.

I've mostly tried to keep things here upbeat as much as possible, but I don't have a lot in my sex life to be upbeat about right now. Well, I do, but when I feel depressed the bad things seem more overpowering. A very dear, very kinky friend told me once that depression is a disease of perspective. It steals your objectivity and makes everything seem darker than it should. She is a wise woman.

But dammit, it's hard to be upbeat about sex and kink when your body is in complete rebellion against you. Mine has evidently decided that I need to relearn all over again just how much of a masochist I am NOT. They warned me when I got the IUD put in that my first period or two afterwards would hurt like hell.
I had no idea how literally they meant that. My back is actually spasming, and my cervix has decided that I need to be informed of exactly how much it resents having a chunk of copper stuck inside it to keep it from doing its job.
Fucking ow.
And, on top of that! my body has evidently decided- whether from the IUD, the crap with A (who texted me this morning, btw. I didn't respond), the crap with Jack, or simply the depression that all of it is causing- that any kind of arousal needs to be severely punished by spasms of pain in my groin.
I knew I had been diagnosed with vaginismus but it's never been this severe.

So today I gave in and took one of Jack's muscle relaxers, and then I slept until 7pm this evening :)

On the good side- because there always is one- I've been talking to Ke'chara, my ex-girlfriend, who is amazing at making me feel better. I've had a number of people sending me emails that have made me smile- you know who you are, and chatting with you has been a real upside to the last few days! Kat has been his usual wonderful self, and this weekend I get to visit him, Terry and Danny, and then have a birthday dinner in Atlanta. Also, this weekend is the FemDom event I enjoy so much as well as the TNG event, which, though Kat won't be joining me for either, I've already made arrangements to give my birthday spanking to a young man who will be attending the FemDom event.

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I am just your ordinary average every day sane psycho supergoddess