Showing posts with label male subs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label male subs. Show all posts
29 April 2009
22 April 2009
Tea Date
He is sitting across from me in the dimly lit restaurant, its Persian rugs only barely softening the wooden seats. I like watching him shift his weight in discomfort.
The copper earrings my sister made for me are heavy in my ears, and I welcome the slight discomfort because it keeps me grounded, keeps me from sliding into the fear into his eyes.
Those eyes are darting all over, looking voer my shoulder, down at the table... anywhere but at my face as he describes the things he loves to hate, hates to love... as he describes the way that they send him slipping under. He glances, quickly, fearfully, at my face every few minutes, as though gauging my response.
It takes him longer to look back at my face each time: it is clear in my eyes, in my smile, the pleasure that I take in his discomfort, his humiliation at discussing these things in a public restaurant in the middle of a major city.
Occasionally I prompt him, make him elaborate on some point that makes him squirm and look determinedly over my shoulder as he answers, face pinkening with humiliation.
And it makes me smile.
07 October 2008
Paradox
Inspired by my relationship with Kat, and a recent conversation with Unspeakable Axe, I've been thinking a lot about submissive males and the challenges they face.
It's hard to find a dominant woman to date, especially if you want a surface-normal life.
And there are a myriad of reasons for that, or at least that I can see. I'm no sociologist (oh wait, yes I am...), but there's always more than one reason.
I feel bad for Axe, and more specifically, for my Kat. I am not what he is looking for long-term, and I know that. He is monogamous, and I am not and never can be. When I try to be, it, um... turns out badly. I am rather significantly younger than he, and have very different priorities right now: I am focused on exploring and growing and learning, while he is ready to settle down. He wants children, and I have a good 7-10 years before I'm ready for that. He is purely submissive, and I am a switch with a strong need to submit as well as to dominate.
So I will never be the woman he spends his life with- I'm simply not wired that way.
But that doesn't make me love him any less, nor want him to be happy any less.
Although let's just be clear here: when he finds a committed relationship, I'm going to bawl my eyes out. I'll be thrilled for him, but I'll also really, really miss my kitten.
Meanwhile, though, he struggles, like so many submissive males.
Firstly, because there just aren't all that many amDommes out there. At least, that's the popular belief. I don't know that I really agree with that. I think there are a lot of dominant women out there, actually, but they don't know it for two primary reasons.
Reason 1: Women are taught not to be "bossy" or "bitchy" or "aggressive". We're taught that more aggressively than any male can understand. We're taught to be quiet, and self-sacrificing, and gentle. We're taught that to take control over our sexuality makes us sluts.
Basically, we're taught that we're all supposed to be submissives, and breaking that mold to attempt otherwise is fucking hard. The first time I raised my hand to a boy, despite his utter willingness, I had a strong urge to burst into tears and apologize.
Reason 2: The community portrays FemDommes as kinda scary, and kinda gross, and frankly nothing I'd want to be associated with. Seriously. I think Bitchy Jones said it best: porn is based on male fantasies (and mostly the extreme ones), proDommes base on porn (since they're marketing to male fantasies, that's their job), and amDommes base on proDommes because there are a dearth of amDomme mentors in the community.
Between the two of those- cultural training not to be dominant, and very few good role models to show us otherwise, it's no wonder so few ostensibly vanilla women never realize their own
dominant leanings.
And, of course, there's the popular culture's portrayal of submissive men. Our culture values alpha males. Dominant men. Look on the cover of any romance novel, are any of those men the ones kneeling? Nope. And that's what teaches most women the "rules" or romance. Shitty, huh? Well, it's still the case.
Submission isn't viewed by most women in the dominant culture as the white knight offering his fealty to the woman he loves. It's viewed as the SNL skit of the fat 50 year old in a badly-fitting maid's outfit giggling in falsetto, "Please spank me, Mistress!"
Gross, huh? Yeah, that's what she's thinking.
That's not insurmountable, btw, but it really is worth noting.
There are other reasons submissive men struggle, though. It was recently mentioned to me that, "I haven't even met a domme who I was attracted to who wasn't already dating a wealthy guy. The attractive ones don't stay single long."
That statement makes me sad. First off, because it depends on one's perception of attraction. I know some women who look like models. I also know how much time, money, and effort they spend on looking like that. Yes, most of them have sugar daddies, because it's almost the only way to afford a look like that.
I know some women who don't look like models. Personally, I think they're beautiful, but my standards of attractiveness are wider than most mens'. Some of them have a few more pounds than maybe is ideal, some of them have smaller breasts than one might wish, or simply don't have those perfectly symetrical features that mathematicians have shown are found the most beautiful. But they're amazing fucking women, they're beautiful inside and out, and they're excellent Dommes.
Secondly, that level of bitterness is a red flag to me in someone I'm considering dating. Maybe it's understandable- the person who said it to me had been struggling to find a domme for 8 years- but it's still an unattractive red flag.
And there are a few other, small issues mostly, that I have with a number of male subs out there who are searching. These don't apply to my Kat (JSYK), and they may not apply to you. They're just things I've noticed and take issue with.
- This hearkens back to the last paragraph but why do so many men who don't bother with even basic personal hygiene, much less going to some effort to be attractive themselves, and yet want to date only supermodels. I have an ex who is a perfect example of this. Seldom shaved, didn't ever work out, or watch what he ate, never went to any kind of effort with his own appearance... but only was interested in really, really beautiful women.
- Where are these men looking for partners? Seriously. Internet dating will only take you so far. Fucking GO SOMEWHERE. This applies to vanilla men, too! But specifically for male subs, why aren't they going to local BDSM events? Why aren't they networking? Why aren't they going out to paces and chatting up women?
- Seriously... if you want to impress a woman, a domme in particular, learn some useful skills. Not only are they useful, but it tells us that you're a self-starter, that you're capable of doing things without someone looking over your shoulder and making you. Suggestions for skills: massage (your local community college probably has classes every semester or so, and there are books on it), simple cooking (you don't need to be a chef), how to give a good pedicure (bonus points if you can actually paint toenails, because I personally am hopeless), reflexology for hand/footrubs (seriously, look it up on the internet), how to brew good coffee and tea (most women drink one or the other, and they can be a very sensual experience).
- Do NOT bring up kink the first date with an ostensibly vanilla woman. Seriously. I don't care about full disclosure, wait til they swallow the bait to set the hook. And yes, I used that analogy on purpose. We just covered how icky FemDomme
I still feel bad for male subs seeking partners. I really do. I see some amazing men who struggle to find someone who can love and accept them. I see beautiful men who deserve someone who will give them with the same love and devotion that they offer. I wish I could go into the culture, and fix it.
But I can't. So I do the best I can, by loving the men I have, and being a friend where I can to the ones I don't.
It's hard to find a dominant woman to date, especially if you want a surface-normal life.
And there are a myriad of reasons for that, or at least that I can see. I'm no sociologist (oh wait, yes I am...), but there's always more than one reason.
I feel bad for Axe, and more specifically, for my Kat. I am not what he is looking for long-term, and I know that. He is monogamous, and I am not and never can be. When I try to be, it, um... turns out badly. I am rather significantly younger than he, and have very different priorities right now: I am focused on exploring and growing and learning, while he is ready to settle down. He wants children, and I have a good 7-10 years before I'm ready for that. He is purely submissive, and I am a switch with a strong need to submit as well as to dominate.
So I will never be the woman he spends his life with- I'm simply not wired that way.
But that doesn't make me love him any less, nor want him to be happy any less.
Although let's just be clear here: when he finds a committed relationship, I'm going to bawl my eyes out. I'll be thrilled for him, but I'll also really, really miss my kitten.
Meanwhile, though, he struggles, like so many submissive males.
Firstly, because there just aren't all that many amDommes out there. At least, that's the popular belief. I don't know that I really agree with that. I think there are a lot of dominant women out there, actually, but they don't know it for two primary reasons.
Reason 1: Women are taught not to be "bossy" or "bitchy" or "aggressive". We're taught that more aggressively than any male can understand. We're taught to be quiet, and self-sacrificing, and gentle. We're taught that to take control over our sexuality makes us sluts.
Basically, we're taught that we're all supposed to be submissives, and breaking that mold to attempt otherwise is fucking hard. The first time I raised my hand to a boy, despite his utter willingness, I had a strong urge to burst into tears and apologize.
Reason 2: The community portrays FemDommes as kinda scary, and kinda gross, and frankly nothing I'd want to be associated with. Seriously. I think Bitchy Jones said it best: porn is based on male fantasies (and mostly the extreme ones), proDommes base on porn (since they're marketing to male fantasies, that's their job), and amDommes base on proDommes because there are a dearth of amDomme mentors in the community.
Between the two of those- cultural training not to be dominant, and very few good role models to show us otherwise, it's no wonder so few ostensibly vanilla women never realize their own
dominant leanings.
And, of course, there's the popular culture's portrayal of submissive men. Our culture values alpha males. Dominant men. Look on the cover of any romance novel, are any of those men the ones kneeling? Nope. And that's what teaches most women the "rules" or romance. Shitty, huh? Well, it's still the case.
Submission isn't viewed by most women in the dominant culture as the white knight offering his fealty to the woman he loves. It's viewed as the SNL skit of the fat 50 year old in a badly-fitting maid's outfit giggling in falsetto, "Please spank me, Mistress!"
Gross, huh? Yeah, that's what she's thinking.
That's not insurmountable, btw, but it really is worth noting.
There are other reasons submissive men struggle, though. It was recently mentioned to me that, "I haven't even met a domme who I was attracted to who wasn't already dating a wealthy guy. The attractive ones don't stay single long."
That statement makes me sad. First off, because it depends on one's perception of attraction. I know some women who look like models. I also know how much time, money, and effort they spend on looking like that. Yes, most of them have sugar daddies, because it's almost the only way to afford a look like that.
I know some women who don't look like models. Personally, I think they're beautiful, but my standards of attractiveness are wider than most mens'. Some of them have a few more pounds than maybe is ideal, some of them have smaller breasts than one might wish, or simply don't have those perfectly symetrical features that mathematicians have shown are found the most beautiful. But they're amazing fucking women, they're beautiful inside and out, and they're excellent Dommes.
Secondly, that level of bitterness is a red flag to me in someone I'm considering dating. Maybe it's understandable- the person who said it to me had been struggling to find a domme for 8 years- but it's still an unattractive red flag.
And there are a few other, small issues mostly, that I have with a number of male subs out there who are searching. These don't apply to my Kat (JSYK), and they may not apply to you. They're just things I've noticed and take issue with.
- This hearkens back to the last paragraph but why do so many men who don't bother with even basic personal hygiene, much less going to some effort to be attractive themselves, and yet want to date only supermodels. I have an ex who is a perfect example of this. Seldom shaved, didn't ever work out, or watch what he ate, never went to any kind of effort with his own appearance... but only was interested in really, really beautiful women.
- Where are these men looking for partners? Seriously. Internet dating will only take you so far. Fucking GO SOMEWHERE. This applies to vanilla men, too! But specifically for male subs, why aren't they going to local BDSM events? Why aren't they networking? Why aren't they going out to paces and chatting up women?
- Seriously... if you want to impress a woman, a domme in particular, learn some useful skills. Not only are they useful, but it tells us that you're a self-starter, that you're capable of doing things without someone looking over your shoulder and making you. Suggestions for skills: massage (your local community college probably has classes every semester or so, and there are books on it), simple cooking (you don't need to be a chef), how to give a good pedicure (bonus points if you can actually paint toenails, because I personally am hopeless), reflexology for hand/footrubs (seriously, look it up on the internet), how to brew good coffee and tea (most women drink one or the other, and they can be a very sensual experience).
- Do NOT bring up kink the first date with an ostensibly vanilla woman. Seriously. I don't care about full disclosure, wait til they swallow the bait to set the hook. And yes, I used that analogy on purpose. We just covered how icky FemDomme
I still feel bad for male subs seeking partners. I really do. I see some amazing men who struggle to find someone who can love and accept them. I see beautiful men who deserve someone who will give them with the same love and devotion that they offer. I wish I could go into the culture, and fix it.
But I can't. So I do the best I can, by loving the men I have, and being a friend where I can to the ones I don't.
15 September 2008
Food for thought
A submissive on FetLife wrote this in his profile:
My email to him:
I find this good food for thought.
I will freely admit that I am not purely anything. I am a dominant, and a sadist, and a bit of a masochist, and a bit of a submissive. Mostly, I am a dominant sadist. I like to hurt people- I like it a lot. But I don't like it if they're not enjoying it, if they're not making those little sounds that tell me that this is as much fun for them as it is for me. Perhaps that's the dominant in me more than the sadist- to me their pain, their response, is the yin to my yang, and if the yin is not truly there then the balance can't be completed.
As for connection- and I am one who prefers a certain amount of connection before beginning a scene- I believe that there need to be at least the seeds of connection before the scene begins because that connection is how I read my bottoms. That few moments of building the connection first give me a good idea for the bottom's responses, how they react, and it tells me what to look for while we are playing. Do they give most of their signals with their body, rather than their voice? Then I won't bother asking many questions but simply keep a close eye on their body language. Plus, there is the simple fact that scenes of any kind are intimate. Hurting someone deeply is an incredibly intimate act (there is an episode of the excellent TV show Firefly called "War Stories" that explores this), and I don't get intimate with stangers. Create that connection, and you are no longer a stranger.
Food for thought?
If one needs a connection to be an effective top or bottom, then i suspect
that these persons aren't PURE sadists and masochists. It seems so vanilla
needing a connection before play can begin if the connection is activated during
play and in aftercare. Food for thought here.
My email to him:
I find this good food for thought.
I will freely admit that I am not purely anything. I am a dominant, and a sadist, and a bit of a masochist, and a bit of a submissive. Mostly, I am a dominant sadist. I like to hurt people- I like it a lot. But I don't like it if they're not enjoying it, if they're not making those little sounds that tell me that this is as much fun for them as it is for me. Perhaps that's the dominant in me more than the sadist- to me their pain, their response, is the yin to my yang, and if the yin is not truly there then the balance can't be completed.
As for connection- and I am one who prefers a certain amount of connection before beginning a scene- I believe that there need to be at least the seeds of connection before the scene begins because that connection is how I read my bottoms. That few moments of building the connection first give me a good idea for the bottom's responses, how they react, and it tells me what to look for while we are playing. Do they give most of their signals with their body, rather than their voice? Then I won't bother asking many questions but simply keep a close eye on their body language. Plus, there is the simple fact that scenes of any kind are intimate. Hurting someone deeply is an incredibly intimate act (there is an episode of the excellent TV show Firefly called "War Stories" that explores this), and I don't get intimate with stangers. Create that connection, and you are no longer a stranger.
Food for thought?
08 September 2008
A conversation on FetLife
So I just got this email:
miss Bellaforte,
Bows head in respects, I am just starting my quest in networking my way around after being a 24/7 for the last 6.5 years. I would like to know as many people as I can from all over the country as I am not sure where I may end up.
Thank you for your time.
Cluelesssubboy
Ok, so that isn't his name. But it might as well be.
I don't get this. Seriously. Do you think that randomly emailing people because their picture shows tits (and mine surely does. See? Here) and telling them you want to create ties with them creates any kind of tie I'd like to have.
In sociology, there're what we refer to as 'strong ties' and 'weak ties'.
My strong ties are with, say, Kat. Or the guys at the Harley dealership hang out with at Hooters every Wednesday night for Bike Night. Or my boss/teacher who is helping me get accepted to GSU.
Those are strong ties. People who actually know me, and have a connection to ME.
Weak ties are the proverbial 'friend of a friend'. The guy my godfather has known forever who he sends me to to get my car worked on. The lawyer friend of my father's whom I hope desperately will explain my trust agreement in something that resembles english. The electrician that my aunt has used since he was a teenager.
These are weak ties.
I'm sorry, but personally I can't view someone who's only randomly emailed me as anything but a weak tie.
Now don't get me wrong. I have a friend in Canada I've never met. I've shared my most intimate secrets with her via Livejournal for 5 years. I have her address and she has mine. I have her counselor's phone number and send presents every Solstice to her children. I've never met her in person, but she is my friend.
She is, however, the ONLY person I am willing to say that about, and I say it about her only because she has been there for me through my divorce, through an emotionally abusive "D/s" relationship, through the death of my mother, my roommate, and my best friend in Florida, through finding out how badly my mother screwed me, and starting school, and meeting Jack, and exploring my own interests.... through, well, everything in the past 5 years.
That is a strong tie.
Random boy who doesn't even have anything to say directly about me (a comment on my profile or one of my pics maybe? something to show that he did more than just picture skim?) is a weak tie, and is unlikely to ever be anything else.
miss Bellaforte,
Bows head in respects, I am just starting my quest in networking my way around after being a 24/7 for the last 6.5 years. I would like to know as many people as I can from all over the country as I am not sure where I may end up.
Thank you for your time.
Cluelesssubboy
Ok, so that isn't his name. But it might as well be.
I don't get this. Seriously. Do you think that randomly emailing people because their picture shows tits (and mine surely does. See? Here) and telling them you want to create ties with them creates any kind of tie I'd like to have.
In sociology, there're what we refer to as 'strong ties' and 'weak ties'.
My strong ties are with, say, Kat. Or the guys at the Harley dealership hang out with at Hooters every Wednesday night for Bike Night. Or my boss/teacher who is helping me get accepted to GSU.
Those are strong ties. People who actually know me, and have a connection to ME.
Weak ties are the proverbial 'friend of a friend'. The guy my godfather has known forever who he sends me to to get my car worked on. The lawyer friend of my father's whom I hope desperately will explain my trust agreement in something that resembles english. The electrician that my aunt has used since he was a teenager.
These are weak ties.
I'm sorry, but personally I can't view someone who's only randomly emailed me as anything but a weak tie.
Now don't get me wrong. I have a friend in Canada I've never met. I've shared my most intimate secrets with her via Livejournal for 5 years. I have her address and she has mine. I have her counselor's phone number and send presents every Solstice to her children. I've never met her in person, but she is my friend.
She is, however, the ONLY person I am willing to say that about, and I say it about her only because she has been there for me through my divorce, through an emotionally abusive "D/s" relationship, through the death of my mother, my roommate, and my best friend in Florida, through finding out how badly my mother screwed me, and starting school, and meeting Jack, and exploring my own interests.... through, well, everything in the past 5 years.
That is a strong tie.
Random boy who doesn't even have anything to say directly about me (a comment on my profile or one of my pics maybe? something to show that he did more than just picture skim?) is a weak tie, and is unlikely to ever be anything else.
04 September 2008
Of superheroes and suffering
Can someone please tell me what the fuck is up with submissive men trying to look all femmey and whiney?
Seriously.
I love really masculine men. I like strength, muscles, body hair, macho yummy men. I find sissification and feminization kinda gross, quite frankly. Hey, if it's your kink that's fine.
But there's something that bothers the feminist in me about the idea that it's humiliating for you to seem more feminine. More like me.
The obvious derivation there is that being like me is humiliating.
Ex-fucking-scuse me?
No bloody well thank you.
I LIKE being female, and feminine. Sure, sometimes I wish the whole boobs thing was less of an issue- seriously, guys, try running with two water balloons filled with nerve ending strapped to your chest. I fucking dare you- but that aside, I like being a girl. I like the rights and privileges it gives me while I rant about the limitations that are still there.
I love my curvy thighs, wide hips, smooth skin, flat belly, heavy breasts, small hands. Secondary sex characteristics, they're called. Sex. Yes.
I like mine. More than that, I like people's (mostly men's) reactions to them.
But dammit, I like men. I like hairy, muscled legs, narrow hips, heavy, dangling cock and balls, muscled bellies, strong chests, corded necks, muscled arms, angeled jaws..... fucking YUM.
Seriously. I find nothing attractive about a skinny guy in a badly fitted maid's uniform and heels he doesn't know how to walk in.
Submissive men are heroes, really. So why are they marketing themselves as sissies? There's something really heroic about pursuing what you love in a culture that makes fun of you. That takes a kind of strength that I don't know if I have, personally. So I admire submissive men. I respect them. They're doing an incredibly hard thing, and (some of them at least) are doing it well.
Bitchy Jones commented that submissive men are superheroes. I agree. Have you ever really read those comics, or seen the movies- c'mon, the last 2 years we've been slammed with superhero movies. What's the definition of a superhero? I can make the argument that it doesn't require superpowers (Batman?), but simply requires a willingness to sacrifice his personal happiness for the good of the people. Spiderman, Batman, Superman. Batman is willing to be chased down and hunted so that the people can keep a comfortable idea of another hero. Superheroes suffer, sacrifice, and hurt... willingly. Daredevil, Wolverine, Blade... they suffer for others. Sure, there's is kinda a 'greater good' thing, but dammit I AM the greater good when you're kneeling in front of me and I'm holding the riding crop. Watching you suffer for me, watching the tears in your eyes as you accept the pain I'm giving you, the tension in your body as you lean to kiss the cane and the soft whimper when it raises a beautiful crimson welt on your skin.
That suffering is divine to me. To willingly place yourself in my- or any Domme's!- hands to suffer for us... that is divine. That is heroic. And I fucking love you for it.
So for Goddess' sake, please stop trying to make yourselves seem weak. It's not attractive, and it's not accurate.
Seriously.
I love really masculine men. I like strength, muscles, body hair, macho yummy men. I find sissification and feminization kinda gross, quite frankly. Hey, if it's your kink that's fine.
But there's something that bothers the feminist in me about the idea that it's humiliating for you to seem more feminine. More like me.
The obvious derivation there is that being like me is humiliating.
Ex-fucking-scuse me?
No bloody well thank you.
I LIKE being female, and feminine. Sure, sometimes I wish the whole boobs thing was less of an issue- seriously, guys, try running with two water balloons filled with nerve ending strapped to your chest. I fucking dare you- but that aside, I like being a girl. I like the rights and privileges it gives me while I rant about the limitations that are still there.
I love my curvy thighs, wide hips, smooth skin, flat belly, heavy breasts, small hands. Secondary sex characteristics, they're called. Sex. Yes.
I like mine. More than that, I like people's (mostly men's) reactions to them.
But dammit, I like men. I like hairy, muscled legs, narrow hips, heavy, dangling cock and balls, muscled bellies, strong chests, corded necks, muscled arms, angeled jaws..... fucking YUM.
Seriously. I find nothing attractive about a skinny guy in a badly fitted maid's uniform and heels he doesn't know how to walk in.
Submissive men are heroes, really. So why are they marketing themselves as sissies? There's something really heroic about pursuing what you love in a culture that makes fun of you. That takes a kind of strength that I don't know if I have, personally. So I admire submissive men. I respect them. They're doing an incredibly hard thing, and (some of them at least) are doing it well.
Bitchy Jones commented that submissive men are superheroes. I agree. Have you ever really read those comics, or seen the movies- c'mon, the last 2 years we've been slammed with superhero movies. What's the definition of a superhero? I can make the argument that it doesn't require superpowers (Batman?), but simply requires a willingness to sacrifice his personal happiness for the good of the people. Spiderman, Batman, Superman. Batman is willing to be chased down and hunted so that the people can keep a comfortable idea of another hero. Superheroes suffer, sacrifice, and hurt... willingly. Daredevil, Wolverine, Blade... they suffer for others. Sure, there's is kinda a 'greater good' thing, but dammit I AM the greater good when you're kneeling in front of me and I'm holding the riding crop. Watching you suffer for me, watching the tears in your eyes as you accept the pain I'm giving you, the tension in your body as you lean to kiss the cane and the soft whimper when it raises a beautiful crimson welt on your skin.
That suffering is divine to me. To willingly place yourself in my- or any Domme's!- hands to suffer for us... that is divine. That is heroic. And I fucking love you for it.
So for Goddess' sake, please stop trying to make yourselves seem weak. It's not attractive, and it's not accurate.
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