07 October 2008


Inspired by my relationship with Kat, and a recent conversation with Unspeakable Axe, I've been thinking a lot about submissive males and the challenges they face.
It's hard to find a dominant woman to date, especially if you want a surface-normal life.
And there are a myriad of reasons for that, or at least that I can see. I'm no sociologist (oh wait, yes I am...), but there's always more than one reason.

I feel bad for Axe, and more specifically, for my Kat. I am not what he is looking for long-term, and I know that. He is monogamous, and I am not and never can be. When I try to be, it, um... turns out badly. I am rather significantly younger than he, and have very different priorities right now: I am focused on exploring and growing and learning, while he is ready to settle down. He wants children, and I have a good 7-10 years before I'm ready for that. He is purely submissive, and I am a switch with a strong need to submit as well as to dominate.
So I will never be the woman he spends his life with- I'm simply not wired that way.
But that doesn't make me love him any less, nor want him to be happy any less.
Although let's just be clear here: when he finds a committed relationship, I'm going to bawl my eyes out. I'll be thrilled for him, but I'll also really, really miss my kitten.

Meanwhile, though, he struggles, like so many submissive males.

Firstly, because there just aren't all that many amDommes out there. At least, that's the popular belief. I don't know that I really agree with that. I think there are a lot of dominant women out there, actually, but they don't know it for two primary reasons.
Reason 1: Women are taught not to be "bossy" or "bitchy" or "aggressive". We're taught that more aggressively than any male can understand. We're taught to be quiet, and self-sacrificing, and gentle. We're taught that to take control over our sexuality makes us sluts.
Basically, we're taught that we're all supposed to be submissives, and breaking that mold to attempt otherwise is fucking hard. The first time I raised my hand to a boy, despite his utter willingness, I had a strong urge to burst into tears and apologize.
Reason 2: The community portrays FemDommes as kinda scary, and kinda gross, and frankly nothing I'd want to be associated with. Seriously. I think Bitchy Jones said it best: porn is based on male fantasies (and mostly the extreme ones), proDommes base on porn (since they're marketing to male fantasies, that's their job), and amDommes base on proDommes because there are a dearth of amDomme mentors in the community.

Between the two of those- cultural training not to be dominant, and very few good role models to show us otherwise, it's no wonder so few ostensibly vanilla women never realize their own
dominant leanings.

And, of course, there's the popular culture's portrayal of submissive men. Our culture values alpha males. Dominant men. Look on the cover of any romance novel, are any of those men the ones kneeling? Nope. And that's what teaches most women the "rules" or romance. Shitty, huh? Well, it's still the case.
Submission isn't viewed by most women in the dominant culture as the white knight offering his fealty to the woman he loves. It's viewed as the SNL skit of the fat 50 year old in a badly-fitting maid's outfit giggling in falsetto, "Please spank me, Mistress!"
Gross, huh? Yeah, that's what she's thinking.
That's not insurmountable, btw, but it really is worth noting.

There are other reasons submissive men struggle, though. It was recently mentioned to me that, "I haven't even met a domme who I was attracted to who wasn't already dating a wealthy guy. The attractive ones don't stay single long."
That statement makes me sad. First off, because it depends on one's perception of attraction. I know some women who look like models. I also know how much time, money, and effort they spend on looking like that. Yes, most of them have sugar daddies, because it's almost the only way to afford a look like that.
I know some women who don't look like models. Personally, I think they're beautiful, but my standards of attractiveness are wider than most mens'. Some of them have a few more pounds than maybe is ideal, some of them have smaller breasts than one might wish, or simply don't have those perfectly symetrical features that mathematicians have shown are found the most beautiful. But they're amazing fucking women, they're beautiful inside and out, and they're excellent Dommes.
Secondly, that level of bitterness is a red flag to me in someone I'm considering dating. Maybe it's understandable- the person who said it to me had been struggling to find a domme for 8 years- but it's still an unattractive red flag.

And there are a few other, small issues mostly, that I have with a number of male subs out there who are searching. These don't apply to my Kat (JSYK), and they may not apply to you. They're just things I've noticed and take issue with.
- This hearkens back to the last paragraph but why do so many men who don't bother with even basic personal hygiene, much less going to some effort to be attractive themselves, and yet want to date only supermodels. I have an ex who is a perfect example of this. Seldom shaved, didn't ever work out, or watch what he ate, never went to any kind of effort with his own appearance... but only was interested in really, really beautiful women.

- Where are these men looking for partners? Seriously. Internet dating will only take you so far. Fucking GO SOMEWHERE. This applies to vanilla men, too! But specifically for male subs, why aren't they going to local BDSM events? Why aren't they networking? Why aren't they going out to paces and chatting up women?

- Seriously... if you want to impress a woman, a domme in particular, learn some useful skills. Not only are they useful, but it tells us that you're a self-starter, that you're capable of doing things without someone looking over your shoulder and making you. Suggestions for skills: massage (your local community college probably has classes every semester or so, and there are books on it), simple cooking (you don't need to be a chef), how to give a good pedicure (bonus points if you can actually paint toenails, because I personally am hopeless), reflexology for hand/footrubs (seriously, look it up on the internet), how to brew good coffee and tea (most women drink one or the other, and they can be a very sensual experience).

- Do NOT bring up kink the first date with an ostensibly vanilla woman. Seriously. I don't care about full disclosure, wait til they swallow the bait to set the hook. And yes, I used that analogy on purpose. We just covered how icky FemDomme

I still feel bad for male subs seeking partners. I really do. I see some amazing men who struggle to find someone who can love and accept them. I see beautiful men who deserve someone who will give them with the same love and devotion that they offer. I wish I could go into the culture, and fix it.
But I can't. So I do the best I can, by loving the men I have, and being a friend where I can to the ones I don't.

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