Gang rape

Standing, leaning against the wall with the others, watching her writhe, moan. Lewd comments spill from my lips in response to theirs, a growing, building web around her of ideas, expectations, fears, dreams…and soon, of actions.

My strap harness is tight around my hips, lacking only the weight of my cock but I can feel it in the back of my head and resting between my hips, guiding my more masculine stance against the wall, the objectification in my eyes, mocking arousal in my voice.

She is dragged to the room which we have prepared, whimpering, moaning, but not protesting once.

I am thankful for this, not sure that the cautious girl in my head could handle a true rape-scene just yet, and the boy in me is pressing the front of my face, shifting my expressions, ready to come out and to fuck this beautiful woman spread out before us like a banquet.

Only flashes now: pale skin kneeling before me, eager lips wrapped around my cock, soft baby-fine hair tangled in my fingers as I drag her along the length of me.

Dark skin against pale as she is slammed into, moved, a muffled scream of pleasure or pain but I don’t care right now and I doubt any of the others do, either.

My body angled against hers, and suddenly the boy is draining away and I am a woman about to fuck a woman and there is this moment of awkwardness, covered with dirty jokes as I learn the different angle necessary to fuck a woman rather than a man. A fumbling moment of strangeness, and then I am inside her. It doesn’t feel as natural as with a boy, and I am thrown off, missing my rhythm but struggling to find it for her. The angle is strange, the shape of her beneath me different- beautiful, warm-smelling and soft but strange and new.

Later, later, after the kissing, the cuddling, and the low-level flow of love, the strongest thing that I remember is the sense of camaraderie in the room with this helpless girl stretched beneath us. We were there, together, toward a goal and the sense of mutuality and camaraderie is tangible… and, yes, it included even she, our willingly unwilling victim, and the bounty of riches which she offered to us.

CinErotic Film Fest in Atlanta!

CinErotic Film Fest brings a kinky, poly Valentines to Atlanta!

Erotic filmmakers from as far away as Singapore, Barcelona and Brazil entered films for the brand new CinErotic Film Fest, alongside homegrown filmmakers from Atlanta and Athens. All will be represented in CinErotic's three nights of screenings at Eyedrum Gallery next weekend, February 12-14.

Kink-O-Matic - Sunday, Feb 14, 6pm - $8

On Valentines' Day, the Fest will screen "sexy, smart, artful erotic short films with a twist — or a kink, if you will," says founder Kiki Carr. "These are films about sexuality that colors outside the lines, and celebrates all that is kinky, bdsm, leather or otherwise polymorphously perverse!"

Among the films featured are director Julie Simmon's "Dolls Fit," the refrain of the odd abusive mother in the film, as well as acclaimed Barcelona director Erika Lusts' view into the suave S&M that keeps sex fresh in "Married with Children." From San Francisco, director Anthony Viti's gives us the raunchy "Asspig" and his Gus Van Sant-esque motion pictures from behind-the-scenes at web pornhouse Kink.com in "Mission & 14th." Narcissister gets a spanky workout in "Self-Gratifier," and "Strap-on Owl Beak" chronicles an actor's descent into an underground of perversity. Select videos by virtuoso filmmaker Tom Chomont artfully depict the world of leather, BDSM, and erotic shaving with an intensity akin to spirituality.

Then there's no other film quite like Curt McDowell's "Pornografollies." This rare 16mm film from 1970 San Francisco features a succession of performers doing sexual/genital vaudeville acts. Described by the New York Times as "slapdash surrealism...a musical of sorts, a bisexual scatological revue full of bad jokes, good humor, and and a general content that I could not begin to describe here," Pornografollies transmutes sexual variety into celebratory comedy.

Valentines' Play Party hosted by WhipperSnappers at Spring4th Center

After the films, kinksters are invited to a special Valentine's Day play party at the Spring4th Center. The party starts at 8:30pm, and entry is only $5 -- and FREE! for CEFF ticket holders (from any screening). The play party is hosted by festival sponsor WhipperSnappers, an under-40 bdsm group, but isopen to anyone over 18. Spring4th Center is located at 728 Spring St. NW

Queer as F*ck - Friday, Feb 12, 8:30pm - $8

The "Queer" show Friday night treats viewers to erotic short films that appeal to boys, girls, transfolk and gender queers. The main attraction is "Tour de Pants," a new film by Luke Woodward of San Francisco featuring hot fags, transfolk and lesbian gangsters — in bicycle-related erotic scenes all over the sexual map.

Other shorts include "The Ginger," in which a sexy redhead seductively eats a turkey drumstick; "The Erotic Couch" by Athens artist Andrew Shearer shows what happens when a reluctant lesbian gets a magical velvet couch-cover; things aren't what they seem for a gay male couple in "Hitchcocked;" "Want" proves that differently abled queers can get what they desire; a handsome butch ranchhand takes home the cute femme lamb, in "The Sheep and The Ranchhand," and Narcissister dares you to put him/her in a gender box in "Man/Woman."

If (when) the films leave you hot, bothered, and panting for more, head over to Mary's in East Atlanta for a free CEFF-sponsored make-out party for everyone.

Passion & Pleasures - Saturday, Feb 13, 8pm - $10 General Admission / $20 VIP

Make it a passionate Valentines to remember on Saturday night with a luxurious date special: for $20/person (surely one of the most recession-friendly Valentines' events!), you and your sweetie(s) get reserved seating up front on romantic couches, with sweet treats, and complimentary champagne (21+). VIP tickets are sold "per-person," rather than "per couple," making this a great Valentines' date night for singles, polyamorous partners, or couples!

But even regular ticket holders will swoon to the romantic short films in the line-up. "Vocolotion" by Atlanta's beloved artist R. Land ("Loss Cat") is his unique take on sex ed videos from years past. Some of his more famous images make cameos in this film and wind up in, literally, sticky situations. "The Flesh is Willing" is pure noir-infused erotica. "The Good Girl," by award-winning filmmaker Erika Lust, revisits the classic "pizza guy" porn cliche from the female point of view. Her newest short, "Handcuffs" is a brief glimpse into a sleek nightclub where sideways glances reveal a sexy secret.

"Headshot" and "Cocksucker," by two separate female directors, show the same act from opposite sides, in a breathless yet politically challenging take on, yes, the blowjob. Meanwhile, "Allen Ginsberg Gives Great Head" dissects Singaporean identity through the vaselined lens of an Adonis-like, self-pleasuring young hipster, and the Narcissister engages a "Hot Dog" in unseemly acts.

The 1963 short film "Christmas on Earth" is directed by famed filmmaker Barbara Rubin (who introduced Andy Warhol to the Velvet Underground). Curated by Andy Ditzler (Film Love), the film is set in a New York apartment where a group of men and women engage in an orgy, and is one of the earliest sexually explicit works of the American avant-garde, or by a female director.

All-Fest Passes!

Film buffs can purchase passes good for all three shows for a mere $25 -- or $35 for a VIP Fest Pass, including the VIP luxury experience on Saturday night — and organizers expect sell outs. All films will be shown at Eyedrum Gallery, 290 MLK Jr. Dr. SE, 30312.

CEFF is produced in part by Andy Ditzler's award-winning Film Love series, and PinkEye indie queer film salon. The Fest is generously funded by the Lloyd E. Russell Foundation, and supported by sponsors Dr. Bombay's, Spring4th Center, WhipperSnappers, Frolicon, and SouthEast Leather Fest. SPARK Reproductive Justice Now is the designated community partner.

For more information and to purchase tickets, visit www.cineroticfest.com

Weekend Highlights

This weekend, I was privileged to have 3 scenes with 3 absolutely gorgeous boys and 1 demo topping experience with the SouthEast Bootblack 2009. One at the play party for the local FemDom group, and the rest at the TNG play party, Whippersnappers.

I am not sure that I'm up for writing all four scenes, so I will give you a few highlights until (unless?) I write each scene properly.

Friday night, Omega:

Stretched in the tower, I explained to him that, "Everything has a price," and extracted mine for turning the space heater on his deliciously vulnerable body before introducing him to each implement in my toybag. His groans, moans, and whimpers were delicious, particularly the huskiness of his voice as we cuddled together afterwards with his large body wrapped around my small (and much warmer!) one.

Saturday night, Demo:

I knew only that our demo bootblack for the weekend was staying with me, and that we had met briefly at a few conventions. Shortly, however, we'd become fast friends, and she chose my (leather) outfit for the evening: stilettos, leather pants, and a leather overbust corset. I could barely stand in the heels, but it was worthwhile as our lovely demonsstrator's small hands ran slowly (and quite thoroughly) over every inch of my leather clothing, oiling them for me before an audience... after deep-throating my stilettos.

Saturday night, Diablo:

I've rediscovered my fondness for spreader bars, spreading lovely Diablo wide and vulnerable. A simple scarf wrapped around his eyes as I take one of my favorite canes to his pretty little ass and thighs, over and over. His little sounds, the whimpering tone to his voice, are beautiful as I steadily work him up, then bring him down before repeating the process over and over again. His lovely, lithe body wrapped around me afterwards as he asks with nervous features if I'm pleased.

Oh yes, darling. Very.

Saturday night, Shiny

We met at the munch, a week before, and I received an extremely sweet email from him via Fetlife. I hadn't expected to have the time or energy to play again, but I did and was privileged with his first scene at our local club. His frantic blushes as he undressed were a delicious appetizer to adorable little whimpering sounds with every blow of hand or toy and beautiful shivers at every touch of nails or teeth until finally I had to wind down due to both time and a concern for his level of bruising the next day. Hopefully, however, there will be more opportunities...

Kinky Prom Update

For my local friends:

Kinky Prom has the fun of Frolicon, the energy of Whippersnappers and the indulgence of SELF! Want to go for less? For 48 hrs beginning 12:00 AM on January 13th (that's today, folks!) until 11:59 PM on January 14th save 25% off the price of a Prom ticket! To get your savings now go to the Ticket link on the page to use this code C710CBac7 to purchase your Kinky Prom tickets for 25% less. This is a charity FUNd raising event. All funds raised will be split evenly between SouthEast LeatherFest's two 2010 charities.

Hurry! You only have 48 hours to take advantage of the code. It starts tomorrow night at midnight. We can’t WAIT to see you at Kinky Prom on February 6th at 8pm in Atlanta GA!

Vignettes from NYE

• Watching a beautiful man rig gorgeous, mostly-naked women until they spin like multi-hued tops of red and gold hair and creamy skin while

• Snuggling on the couch in the lap of a lovely man who is playing with my mostly exposed breasts as a beautiful woman wraps herself around me and moans at the sensation of my fist clenched in her, long, silky hair.

• The sweating face of the same beautiful man, pressed into my thighs as he is paddled over and over by a group of women, tears springing to his lovely eyes as he presses his face into my bare skin, sucking in air noisily through parted lips.

• Warm hands running along my legs beneath the sarong, fingertips brushing my thighs and wrapping around my calves, cupping my buttocks and running warm palms along my skin.

• Much, much later, as the sun begins to creep along the horizon, the beautiful man and I curl exhaustedly into bed. I am expecting a little snuggling, a little groping, then an exhausted slumber, but I have underestimated my companion's stamina and soon we are kissing, groping and wrapped around one another. My hand is in his hair, on his throat and his hands are on my breasts, around my waist and opening my legs. His cock is pressed against me, thick and hard and throbbing and I crave the taste of it, the warmth of his lips against my wet cunt but I know that those things are not for me tonight. Instead I whisper in his ear, telling him what a little whore he is for me- that it isn't his cock in my cunt that he wants, but my fist in his ass. He is panting and whimpering in my ear, begging for the taste of my arousal on his lips until I take my liberally soaked fingers and paint them across his parted lips, rubbing my heated body against his.

• Later that morning, as the sun peeks through the windows like a voyeuristic eye, I wake snuggled between my pretty man and a beautiful woman whose name I don't even know. I don't remember how it happened to be honest, I don't remember the flirting, the giggling, the making out as I was still in an exhausted, sensitized haze. What I remember is the touch of her fingers on my skin, the stroke of her lips against my heated cunt, the taste of her lips against mine, painted with cum. What I remember are her hands, cocoa against the cream of my thighs and the smug grin on her face as I writhed beneath her expert touch. What I remember is the sight of her straddling my chest, the taste of her nipples and the texture of her cunt as I stroked her to orgasm for the 3rd or 4th time.

The hugs goodbye later, the gratuitous groping, and nap snuggled between two extremely attractive men....

It was a lovely, lovely New Years Eve and New Years Day

DomCon HNT

I love this shot... Shoes courtesy of Joe the Shoe Guy and shot by Wicked Kitten Productions

DomCon HNT

Outfit (and yes, as far as I'm concerned, this is half-naked!) by Marvelous Mayhem and photo courtesy of Wicked Kitten Productions

DomCon HNT

The next several HNTs will be from DomCon 2009, taken by the amazing mistress of Wicked Kitten Productions.

This particular one is of Actaeon, actually! (He does better in heels than I ever will!)

Interlude

He is still dressed in the rubber he wore at the party.

His arms, chest, ass, and back are bruised, and he moves carefully but the grin on his face is unmistakable.

It's been a hard few weeks for my lover, and I'm pleased to see him so relaxed.

I'm exhausted, still a little sick. I had to leave the play area to keep myself from playing while sick... so tempting. An array of beautiful bodies laid out on a variety of playstations. I could play so easily, there are plenty willing to take the risk, but I'm too lightheaded from decongestants to trust myself.

Except with him.

He's walked me up to my room, and stands there now, looking like a fallen angel, wickedly innocent, in his Nasty Pig rubber and little-boy smile.

He's turning to leave now, turning to return to his Mistress, but I don't even remember moving and my hand is at his throat and I'm bending him over, pressing him into the bed. He still has his wide collar on, and my fingers are hooked into it- small fingers, they fit without choking him- too badly. I'm bending him back up to me until he's arched like a bow, his beautiful little ass offered up to me.

I want it.

I always want it.

Near him, I'm like a guy. I can't be within arms' reach without wanting to bend him over the nearest surface and fuck that pretty little ass.

As always, my beautiful little slut is making pleading noises, his ass grinding back into my hips.

Why don't I have my strap-on? I sigh, and shove him away from me.

I'll see you in the morning, boy.

Frolicon!

Frolicon is this weekend, and I'm sharing a room again with the beautiful Terry and her wonderful Lucivar... and, of course, my darling Jack. 

I'm finally getting excited about it again :) 

2009 Conventions

So, I'm registered for Frolicon 2009 in April, and have arranged to do some Dungeon Monitoring.

My hotel is reserved- 2 rooms, since my AAA rate is cheaper than the convention rate- and roommate arrangements have been made (yay Terry and Lucivar!).

I've also put in Jack's and my volunteer cheat sheets for SouthEast LeatherFest in June, and reserved (1) room for that. Roommate arrangements pending, but probably Terry and Lucivar again?

I've also already been told I'm on staff for Dragon*Con on Labor Day weekend again, but will need to make hotel arrangements for that- ASAP. D*C rooms sell out really, really fast. (In fact, the two main hotels are already sold out!)

After that will be DomCon in October, which I've not yet made arrangements for. I think these four will probably be my only conventions this year. More than that is just unwieldy and expensive. 

I'm excited- I love conventions, and I also love planning so this works exceedingly well for me. I am such a geek- I honestly find it fun to make arrangements and plan things out like this. It's an interesting challenge to figure out just the right way to make complicated arrangements simple and convenient for everyone involved, and I excel at it. 

Not, of course, that I would ever toot my own horn. ;-)

Random vignettes from the weekend- leatherworking by Q and the Mistresses' Tea

Sunday, the very last day of DomCon, was the Mistress's Tea. I had considered dressing up a bit, but, well, you know me.
I decided at the last minute that I needed to get my leather pants and boots worked on so I wore them with a tank top and asked Lucivar and Terry to show me where the lovely Q was doing leather.
Then we wandered for a while.
And I found a black leather corset for $75.
Yes. It was supposed to feature red on black flames, but they mistakenly sent her black on black. I loved it just as it is, and I've been wanting a black leather corset to go with my black leather pants and skirt.
Yes, it's cliche. I like it anyway. Fuck off.
So I bought it, and then I found Q. And decided that "Hey, if I'm getting the rest of it worked on, I should get this, too!
So in the middle of the hall, with Lucivar's truly reluctant assistance (that boy's life just sucks. almost as much as mine), I stripped (did I mentioned I don't wear a bra with those tanks?) and wriggled into the corset. It was a pretty good show, apparently, as it got several stares, and Lucivar had fun lacing me in while I sat in a chair and Q worked on my boots. Really, let me tell you how awful my life is.
Getting my boots polished by a gorgeous boi while being laced into my new, massively discounted corset by one of my favorite bio-boys.
Then, I got to stand up while she did my pants. Really. My life sucks. Beautiful boi running her fingers all over my pants, being careful to rub saddle soap into every-single-inch.
Then she handed me my knife so as not to get saddle soap on it.
While I was using Lucivar for balance.
Well, one would be foolish to pass up such opportunities.
So I held it to his throat and watched him make pretty noises for me, throat bobbing and eyes going all wide and grass-green. I ran the tip along his jawline and he whimpered a little. Pressed the serrated edge into his adam's apple and watched him struggle not to swallow. Smiled darkly when he leaned into the blade just a little, showing him those dark places in me that sing to his.

And then it was time for the Tea, so we agreed that I'd come back to be finished afterwards.

Terry and I took places in the middle of the room, and I looked around for my darling Katzelein, who had attended the morning tea service class and was therefore acting as a server in the Tea. He was, as usual, making himself busy ensuring that everything was as perfect as he knew how to make it. I was, and am, so proud of him, I know how naturally shy he is so this was a huge step for him and he did a wonderful job.
Our table was served by an older gentleman, whose shaking hands clinked the pot against our cups, but his nervousness was actually quite adorable. I 'played mum', passing around the small plates of cakes to everyone, and we all chatted.
It was open only to dominant women, and it was really a pleasure to talk freely with other women about the unique challenges and pleasures we experience. I can't remember most peoples' names, and I apologize for that, but if any of the ladies of our table read this, simply know that I cherish that time we spent together.
Meanwhile, my Kat was making his way through the room with a sharpie and a large paddle, requesting that we all sign it as a souvenier, for Mistress Musette (who taught the tea service class and put on the tea), I believe. He was respectful but not retiring, and poured as gracefully as ever- I am so very proud of him.

I truly owe a great thanks to Mistress Musette and her girl blue, who taught a wonderful class on tea service, and then did an amazing job of running the Tea. She is a true Belle, and impressed me very deeply. I look forward to having tea with her at some point in the near future.

Eventually, the tea ended, and I returned to the hands of the lovely Q, who slathered my pants once more with leather conditioner (oh gee, darn!) and then started on my corset. I believe I will have some pictures later of her working on me, which with her permission I'll try and post here :) It's quite a sight- my tiny, redhaired self standing on a chair while the lovely black boi runs her hands all over my corset :-D

I got one last kiss from her before she left, then went in to watch Jack's interrogation.

Random vignettes from the weekend- suspended by Utah Rox

Utah Rox taught the Objectification class I took. By the end of the class, we had a human light switch (my adorable Kat), table, computer stand, couch, and ottoman.

I'm little. Like, 107lbs little.
I got to sit on the couch, and put my feet up on the ottoman. I developed a pretty quick crush on the instructor, but didn't worry too much about it because I knew I had my hands rather full of boys already.
Until the next day, during Andrew's bloodplay class. Sangre made, um, a bit of a mess. As in, she was completely covered in her own blood, rubbing it into her skin and dipping her fingers in it. She's a sick little bitch, and I like her a lot :)
Suffice to say, however, that this posed some problems getting her back up to her room because she was technically a biohazard.
So we literally carried her through the hotel lobby wrapped in plastic sheeting to opaqueness (poor nillas in that lobby!!!) and stuffed her in the elevator along with everyone else carrying anything else that was a biohazard.It was a rather amusing adventure, and while Sangre showered, Andrew, Jack, Rox, and I chatted.
I don't remember the conversation. It ended up being discussed that Jack and I might be bleeding that night. Since I hadn't yet gotten my bawling in, I was pleased with this plan.

Yes, I'm a slut. It's fun. Deal with it.

That night, however, when I ran into Rox, he said that he was looking for someone to suspend. I'm not terribly into suspension, so when he commented that I was the perfect size for it (subtle, Rox. You'd already asked my weight, remember? :-p), I said I had only done it once and it was a little painful for me. He agreed that Shibari suspension could be that way, but that wasn't what he intended.

See Bella's curiousity aroused. I inquired. He answered.

I started grinning. We negotiated with Jack and he stayed nearby to watch and keep a eye on me.

So Rox started setting up, and I stripped and stood on a chair. It's such a good thing I have no issues with nudity, because it's amazing how many people stop *in a BDSM club with play going on* to stare at one naked chick. Can someone explain this to me? Sure, I'm cute, but I was hardly the only attractive female there who could be stared at.Whatever, it's just amusing in retrospect.

Then he wrapped me in green pastic wrap of some kind, until it must have looked like I was wearing a plastic tube-dress.

And then he removed the chair.

I had a spurt of panic when the chest took the weight of my body and I was actually hanging by *plastic wrap*. The little part of my brain that thinks everything I do is stupid was gibbering wildly, screaming, "It's fucking plastic wrap! You're going to fall and break your neck and OHMYFUCKINGGOD!"

The rest of me was just grinning stupidly and absolutely thrilled with the entire Universe.
By the time he had my feet up as well, I was just drifting in pleasure and that beautiful mental escape that bottoming brings me.I was pretty helpless up there. It was someone else's job to watch out for me, and everyone else. There was nothing I could do for anyone except exactly what I was doing- nothing- and there is an amazing freedom in that.

He checked on me every so often, grinning hugely himself, and the only complaint I had was that the tight binding left my breasts sore. Maybe there's a way to wrap under them and leave them free? What a fun way to torture someone's breasts, actually... *goes off into evil thoughts*

Eventually, they brought me down and I almost whined. Until Rox directed Jack beneath me so that I literally slowly dropped down onto him and he caught me, wrapping his arms around me.

I didn't even bother to get dressed after that, just wrapped a sarong around me, because there was nothing else I could do that night that would come even close to mtaching that.

And yes, I have such a serious crush on Rox now :)

This pics are courtesy and property of Utah Rox- thanks!

Random vignettes from the weekend- getting the shit beaten out of me

Andrew and I chatted in the vendor's area.
He taught the bloodplay class, and Jack and I helped clean up after and get his girl up to their room and cleaned up.
We chatted a bit about playing then, but not too much came of it at the time. That was Saturday, and I played with Rox Saturday night.

This was Sunday. He asked me about Jack's and my dynamic, and asked how one went about negotiating playing with, say, me. I started dancing inside.
I know, I know, I usually Top. But this weekend was stressful as hell for me, and I've been needing a good release for at least a month.
How Jack and I usually do it, I explained, was that I did the general negotiations then all three of us fine-tuned it. We both grinned.

But Jack had just finished being interrogated and we were both blood sugar-crashing so I promised I'd try and catch up with him later, then ran out.

That night, I'd almost given up on having a chance to talk to him as he'd walked by quickly several time, and Jack and I were about to go back to Kat's to sleep.
Then Andrew came walking out with his girl Sangre, so I went to give him a hug goodbye since I assumed he wasn't feeling like playing.
His first words were, "So do I get to hurt you or what?"
I started grinning like an idiot. Or at least, I felt like grinning like an idiot. I have no idea what my actual expression was.

Because you see, I don't cry. I'm kind of ridiculously stoic about shit most of the time. I can't just cry because I need to- like, you know, I have for the past month- I have to have some kind of excuse. Like, well, getting the shit beaten out of me.

We negotiated some with Jack. I wanted to bawl my eyes out, and I wanted to make sure that was okay. It was. He wanted to do some punching and pressure points and wanted to make sure that was okay. It was. I wanted Jack there, which was a requirement. That was okay, too.
We were all okay, and life was good, so we headed to their hotel room (we'd already checked out). He smacked Sangre around for a minute to warm up a bit, and I stripped.

Then he grabbed me, threw me on the bed, and worked on pinning me.
And I do mean worked. I'm little, and I'm slippery when I'm sweating. And I was rapidly sweating, because despite my original assumption that I'd be able to 'behave' for him, I was fighting. Fight-or-flight kicked in, and I don't run away from someone trying to hurt me. I hurt them back.
Of course, that hadn't been negotiated and I had enough of a brain to know that I didn't want to piss him off. I could see the control he was exercising as he hurt me, and I didn't feel like tempting him to lose control at all. I really, really didn't.
But when he had me wrapped up small and was reaching for the various pressure points on my body there was no way I could not twist away, no way that as he pinned my foot down to keep me from kicking him I could manage not to knock his hand off of my chest. His face was a study in intensity and sadistic delight, and I could feel the sobs growing heavier in my chest as this motherfucker dug into what felt like every sensitive point on my body. He asked me what dirty words I liked, and it nearly knocked me back into normal thought, the question seemed so strange. I didn't know how to answer.
Then he dug into another spot and I started yelping, "Fuck fuck fuck that hurts!" It wasn't long before he had me, um, exercising my vocabulary, forcing me to breathe and expel some of the toxins, rather than holding my breath (and my pain and anger and every-fucking-thing else) like I usually do. (You know, I only just realized why he did that as I was writing this... LOL!)
He'd pin my legs and one hand, then dig into my chest. "OW Goddammit OW!" and I'd use my free hand to punch his hand away from my chest. He'd pin it down, and punch my ass. "Sonuvabitch!" and I'd kick again.
He smacked my face, and I grunted for him in pain and pleasure.
He dug into my hip and I yelped and tried to kick him.
He pinned me on my stomach and I made noises of desperation mixed with happiness.
He flipped me over and pinched deeply into my pec, just above my breast (he actually did an amazing job of never touching any 'naughty bits' despite all of that) and I screamed. Or I think I did. I felt like screaming. I punched his wrist, forcing him off my slippery, sweaty skin.
He knelt on my hands and did it again. I cussed and writhed and got out from under his hand.
He got me back down and did it again.

And I broke, sobbing. "There she goes," he said, and it was surprsingly gentle. It felt like permission, and I took it. I cried. I screamed, silently apparently, back arching up off the bed, with Andrew on one side of me pressed close with his hand in my own clenched fingers, and Jack holding my head lovingly.
I shook, hard, with silent sobs and I felt that hard knot of pain in my chest slowly loosen, dissolve in the wash of my long-overdue tears.
They held me the entire time.

My pec is still sore as hell, but I have complete range of movement with it and there's not a mark on me.
And every once in a while, I'll reach over and press into the muscle bruise there and smile.

Thank you, Andrew. Very, very much.

Random vignettes from the weekend- Jack, Lucivar, and I

Let it be said that Jack and I had never coTopped before this weekend. We'd talked about it, and made happy sounds at the idea, but we'd never coTopped before.
Until Friday.

We finally got everyone up into the room, and we were all hanging out. I don't remember where Terry was. It was Jack, Lucivar, and I in the hotel room.
Lucivar was showing Jack some of their toys, their canes. Jack grabbed one, whipped it around, then popped Lucivar with it. Lucivar, shameless little slut that he is, promptly started wiggling his ass for more. I suggested that perhaps they'd both get a better effect without Lucivar's pants. Approximately 1.5 seconds later, Lucivar was naked. Shocking, I know.
I watched for a bit, then remembered that I hadn't yet shown Lucivar my evil stick. I forgot it on my last trip somehow.
That's when I got involved- hey, I can't resist a beautiful, begging boy.
We turned him over on his back, and I straddled his chest, my ass almost in his face, and Jack spread his thighs wide.

Have you ever seen an evil stick? It's a little piece of very stiff wire, maybe 16 or 18 gauge, with a flat little oval of pretty acrylic on the end. I'll have to take a picture of it an put it up eventually. It's very stiff, so when you bend it, and pop that little acrylic end on someone's inner thighs, they make lovely, yummy noises. They also try to buck you off, but hey, I've got strong thighs.

We dumped out my toybag after a little while of that, Jack mostly using various canes, me using my favorite hairbrushes and metal nails, both of us using riding crops, hands, and more or less whatever we felt like.
There's nothing organized about our play. We tend to just dump out the toybag and grab whatever looks interesting.

Eventually, we had to cuff him and attach his wrists to the headboard. Did you know that the DomConAtlanta hotel has wrought iron headboards on the beds that are bolted, quite securely, into the walls? We do, now. Lucivar does, now.

His face was so cute, the way he twisted and writhed, and his eyes got huge and deeper green.

We would hurt him for a while, then stop to kiss one another and grin, then we'd go back to hurting him, then make out a little more on top of the helpless, hurting little boy. I think the noises he made while we were making out were nearly as good as the one she made while we were hurting him.
I officially love playing with Jack, I felt so delightfully close to him as we worked together to hurt Lucivar as much as possible. Hey, every couple needs to have hobbies they can do together!

Eventually, we had to let him go so that he could shower and shave. He kept making these adorable false starts that ended with his head back in my lap and my fingers tangled in his hair (I never said the false starts weren't partly my fault) and him making more pretyt noises for me.

He's such a little slut.
It's really adorable.

And you know what?
Jack said I can fuck his pretty little ass :-D

Quickie

DomCon was fucking amazing.
Seriously.

Vignettes to blog:

• Jack and I co-hurting Lucivar
• The Mistresses' Tea
• Being suspended in saran wrap by the very yummy Utah Rox, one of the instructors (I'm now 2 for 2 being suspended by my instructors at kink conventions :)
• Getting my tits to toes leather cleaned and polished by the wonderful Q
• Jack's terrifying interrogation at the hands of Sir Dale, which definitely went past my comfort level
• Having the shit beaten out of me by another of the instructors, the wonderful Andrew Love and getting a nice catharctic case of bawling my eyes out (my breasts are still sore as I write this, asshole! :-D)
• Fisting his girl, Sangre, for the first time

You guys know how I am, so be sure to bug me if I don't start posting vignettes within the next 24 hours!
Meanwhile, I need to get Jack and I moving and back on the road home...

Rambling thoughts on responsibility and poly

Disclaimer: No, there's not a damn thing wrong. I'm having an absolutely amazing time at DomCon, including meeting the lovely Bunny (Lucivar's work-girlfriend), and the room arrangements are working out better than I could ever have hoped for. Jack and I had an absolutely wonderful time co-Topping Lucivar, and Kat is his usual wonderful self- seriously, I'm having a wonderful time, I'm just being hormonal so deal with it. It's my blog and I can whine if I want to.

I'm so tired. Goddess help me, I'm so fucking tired. I'm tired of all of it. But mostly, I'm tired of being needed, of being the responsible one. I'm sick of being the one who gets th ebills paid, who reserves the hotel room. I'm tired of being the one who makes the lists and ensures the pets get fed.

I'm so tired of being the one people need.

I need, just for a little while, to be with someone who doesn't need me. For whom there's nothing going on but the touch of warm skin. Someone who I can trust to take care of me- someone I can be safe needing, without them needing me back.
Actually, it's not that. It just that I've been the one in charge, the one responsible for too long. I just want to run away for a little while, to hide against somoene stronger than me. I need to not be the strong one. Problem is, I don't know many people who fit that bill.

I need, just for a little while, someone to be stronger than me because I need them to let me be weak. To let me give the responsibility to them. Just for a little while. I'll take it back, I promise.

But Kali's skirt, I'm so fucking tired.

Please, can I just hide against you for a little while? Just relax, just pretend for a little while that I don't have any responsibilities?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you knew that you would die today
Saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannnot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?

This song feels really poignant for me right now, for some reason. Yesterday, I talked to Wolf for a long time about poly.
Specifically, about the fact that we'll never be together again because I am poly and he is possessive. Those are simply facts of life, like saying that he is male and I am female.

He kept going on and on about how it was a choice I had made to live this way, and it was hard to explain to him that I do not choose to be poly anymore than I choose to be bi. I could choose to never act on it, but I would still naturally be poly, and it would no more feel right or fulfilling to me than a straight marriage feels to a gay man. Sure, it's a choice, insofar as acting the only way that you can and still be happy is a choice. So this song is especially poignant right now, as I struggle with some guilt for not being what Wolf wants me to be. I can't be. Not and be happy. I love him, but eventually, I would come to resent him and be angry and we would lose not only our relationship but the friendship that is so precious to me.

So I think about this song, "Would you change?"
No, actually.
"If you knew that you would die today, saw the face of God and love, would you change?"
No. No, I really wouldn't.
Because I love who I am and what I do. Because I love the people in my life, even when I want to strangle them for the very fact that they are in my life.
I love my boys, all of them. I love my life, when a night in the quiet room reading a book is more novel than a night at a fetish club during a major BDSM convention.

"If you knew that love would break your heart, if you're down so low you cannot fall, would you change?"
I wouldn't change because I have been there. Love has broken my heart- loving Wolf, actually- and you know what? I healed. Sure, there are scars, but scars are marks of valor. They're signs you've lived your life.
I've been there. I've been down so low I could not fall. I have had times when I did not know where my next meal would come from, times I gave very serious thought to suicide and even worked out the best way to do it and spare my loved ones as much pain as possible.
But I healed. I healed, and I built this life I love.
I wouldn't change, because not only do I love my life, but I feel like I'm living the best life that I can. I tell my boys, all of them, damn near every day how much I love them. I try hard to make damned sure that my loved ones know how much they mean to me, how important they are to me.
I work hard and I play hard. I volunteer with the Red Cross, I recycle, I'm active in my UU church and do more than most, quite frankly, to make my world a better place.
And most importantly to me, I work hard to make the people in my life's lives better for my having been in it.

Sure, there are things I could do better. I'm lazy, and I'm self-absorbed. I'm selfish, and I take things for granted. I am the last person on Earth who will say that I'm perfect- because I'm not. Nowhere fucking near it.

But I'm not half bad, and I think I'm doing pretty damn close to the best that I can.

Give me a hand with DomCon, please?

Yes, I post too damned often. Enjoy it while it lasts, because eventually I'll slow down.
I mentioned DomCon. And that it's coming up.
Now, here's something not everyone in the scene realizes about me: I'm a serious nerd. Like, really. I adore learning new things. I'm a double-major in Anthropology and Sociology, and a double-minor in Gender Studies and Psychology. So yeah, not only am I nerd, but I'm a nerd obsessed with how people work. Needless to say, I fucking love classes at kink conventions.
There are so many fun and interesting things to learn about new ways to hurt people.
So many things to learn, in fact, that I'm having trouble deciding.

So now, dear reader, I would like your opinion. Obviously, your answers are going to be biased toward your kinks. That's fine. I guess I'm mostly just curious what all of you lovely pervs are interested in :)

My Friday choices:
1130: Physiology- Understanding the human body and how it response to BDSM play

1245: Objectification or Electrical Play for Dummies/Beginners

1400: Stapling and Piercing or Strap-on Sex for all Genders

1515: Male Subs 101 or Bastinado or Art of Flogging (yes, Lucivar, I know you don't want me
looking at more bastinado)

1630: Sensory Deprivation/Overload or Kiss My Boots or Psychology of Service Subs

1745: CBT Techniques or Shibari Basics or Blade Play 101 (I'm SOSOSO leaning toward blades)

My Saturday choices:
1130: Sadistic Savings with Satan or Toxic BDSM (toxins used in play, not emotionally toxic)

1245: Predicament Bondage

1400: Dynamics of a Scene or Enema Play or Gender Fuck

1515: Blood Play (there are just no questions about this one)

1630: Erotic Wax Play (taught by a friend) or Mastering the Senses

1745: Sensual Touch/Erotic Dominance or Traditional English Corporal Discipline

My Sunday choices:
1200: Formal Tea Service (Kat, you will be attending this, and Lucivar, I'd like for you to as well)

1330: Mummification (I took this with the same person at SELF and enjoyed it) or Protocols and Rituals

1500: The Mistress Tea (no question here, either. I adore formal teas)

1630: Search and Seizure for Sadomasochists


What are your thoughts, folks? Please feed the blogger!

The joy of poly

So DomCon is coming up. Rapidly.
I'm looking forward to it- a lot- but I'm also a little scared.

Jack and Kat are both great guys. They also both have some possessiveness about me. I don't know if either of them actually realizes it consciously, but I do, and they see it in one another. Among other little, amusing/frustrating things, they both have this possessive touching thing going on when around one another. As in, if I'm in the same room with the two of them, whoever I'm closest to has to be touching me, usually in small, possessive ways. It'd be funny if it weren't so frustrating.
Like I said, they're both great guys. They both, consciously, understand the others' claim to me and respect it. But instinct is not so rational, and neither of my men are poly by nature. This is hard for them, and I respect that.

And yet, fucking emotional masochist that I am, I booked a hotel room at DomCon for all of us. Jack, Kat, Lucivar, and me.
What the fuck was I thinking?!

I'm not real bright sometimes :)

Fall Traveling Plans

Ok. Next weekend I'll be driving to Atlanta to stay with Terry & Daniel and attend BITCH and WS.
I'll drive up Thursday, stay with my darling Kat, then either spend the day in Atlanta and drive to T & D's after BITCH, or drive out there Friday-day and ride to BITCH with them. It depends on if they decide to attend. Saturday I intend to spend quietly with Terry & Daniel and then attend WS (preferably riding with them) Saturday night. Sunday, I'll return to Atlanta for a big belated birthday dinner with friends, stay with Kat, and then Monday morning while he's at work I'll drive home.

Yay for workable plans.

Now, as for DomCon and Biketoberfest.
Jack and I discussed Biketoberfest last night. The plan was originally that we will trailer my bike to Gainesville, FL like we did last year and I will ride from there to Daytona and stay with Jennifer while he visits his mother and goes to a hockey game in Tampa. Just like last year. There's only one snag. We don't have access to a truck this year like we did last year. See, we both drive small cars, neither of which are capable of towing a motorcycle. Well, his COULD but it's a sports car and features a regrettable lack of trailer hitch.

Therefore, with DomCon only the weekend before, I've been thinking that I just can't make that. I'm a college student, for Havens sake and I the grant under which I work just ended. I won’t know until today whether I have a second job or not. In other words, whether I have an income.
Oops.

But see, aside from my wanting to go to Biketoberfest, there’s an additional complication. Jack hasn’t seen his mother in months. And he adores his mom. He’s a momma’s boy, something I heartily encourage because she is an amazing woman and I adore her myself. So… Jack refuses to go 6 hours to Gainesville without me going to. Leaving me feeling pressured to spend additional money on an event I just don’t think that I can manage.

However, after a bit of a temper tantrum on both of our sides, I said that damned if I wasn’t considering just buying him a damned plane ticket to Tampa for that weekend and making sure it was non-refundable so he had no choice.

So, of course, like he usually does when I make some comment like that in temper, he said that that was a good thought.
It always stops me in my tracks, he knows me far too well. And now we have a compromise. I can’t go to Biketoberfest this year (unless someone wants to send me a few hundred dollars just because I’m cute and ride a bike!) but I will go back up to Atlanta the weekend after DomCon for BITCH and Whippersnappers while Jack flies to Tampa. WHY this is easier than his driving there I have *no* idea, but apparently it is.

Which means that my October travel plans are now:
DomCon October 9-12 in Atlanta. Jack and I will drive up to Atlanta after class and stay with Kat that night. Friday morning we will all check into the hotel, and meet Daniel there, as he is staying with us. We are hoping that Terry will be able to join him, but work has not yet told her if she can or not. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday days will be taken up with workshops (my picks will be posted later), and Friday night Jack will be attending a hockey game and I will attend the play party at 1763 with Kat and Daniel. (Gee, my life just sucks. Really. I get to attend a play party with two beautiful, submissive men. Dammit!)
Saturday night will be another play party, and if my libido and submissive side are ‘repaired’ then I’d like to play with Jack. Otherwise, I’ll watch him play and possibly play a little more myself.
Then Sunday day we will check out of the hotel and after the workshops attend the After-Party, and retire to Kat’s house Sunday night, then drive home Monday morning. Probably very LATE Monday morning.

The next weekend will be BITCH and Whippersnappers, so I will do my usual Thursday afternoon drive to Atlanta, then stay with Kat that weekend while I attend both events and possibly do a bit of modeling while I’m there. I think that post-DomCon, however, I’ll be on a pretty strict budget :-)
Especially since there are some pretty big Halloween fetish events there which I am strongly considering attempting to attend.

November will ComiCon in Atlanta, assuming that I can still afford it and want to go. I'll probably volunteer if I do decide to go.

And, of course, then there's The Move in December.