04 September 2008

The men in my life, or, switching and balance

I'm a poly switch. I play on both sides of the whip, and they're both important to me. I crave both sides, need both sides.

I have an amazing partner. Jack. He is 'nilla kinky, and monogamous by nature, but has been incredibly supportive of my other partnerships. He is the other half of my life, I don't know that I could get by without him- not merely physically, but emotionally. It's silly and melodramatic to say that he is the other half of me, but it's not very far off. He has been there for me through some of the worst things in my life- and that's rather impressive as I've lived a pretty active life. I may love my other partners, but he is the one I think of when I think of 'home'.

I have an absolutely darling submissive, Kat, whom I adore. I am not what he is looking for long-term, and we both know that, but in the meantime it meets both of our needs. I love him. I love him with a deep, abiding, possessive passion. He is my first submissive, and he has taught me more than he knows. I love him for that as much as I love him for himself. Just being around him makes me incredibly happy.

I also have a dominant, A. We met online, and our play stays there. His relationship and distance from me don't allow for us to play in person, which is actually how it became okay with my partner. That was our first foray into the world of poly- A was my first dominant, and one day when I craving subbing, I found myself flirting with him. He called me on it, and I told Jack and apologized. His response shocked me: he told me that as long as it stayed long-distance, he didn't mind because my kink needs were stronger than his and he wanted me to be happy.

I have to have both sides of myself assuaged, or I get out of balance and unhappy. If I spend too much time without dominant headspace, I get itchy and bratty, and crave dominating. If I spend too much time without submissive headspace, I get cranky and have trouble focusing on anything involving dominance.
Given that it's not unusual for A to get busy, or side-tracked, and for me not to get submissive time in, that's kinda a problem...
It would be fine, except that I talk to Kat nearly every day, and visit him quite often. In other words, I get lots of Toppy time in. And I love it, Blessed Mother don't get me wrong, I LOVE it. When he is kneeling in front of me my whole body goes hot and cold and I just start drooling in pleasure.
But the longer I go without submissive headspace, the harder it is to get into a good Dominant space OR a submissive space. I have to really be pushed into submission, which most people aren't capable of doing. So I end up in a simmeringly resentful vanilla mode. Which really isn't fair to Kat, not to mention me.

So, obviously, I need to go and sub to someone! Gee, why didn't I think of that?
Oh, wait- I did.
There's one little kink in that plan (pun intended).
I have Jack's agreement to sub to two people, well three.
One is him, but I've been having a lot of trouble with that even before he got sick, and he's not able to push me into submission the way I need when I'm feeling like this.
Another is A, but A's in some weird vanilla mode and hasn't felt like playing in several weeks. See Bella's resentment level spike.
And the third lives in NY. Please note that I live in south Alabama. Yeah.

Expect lots of bitchy rants over the next little while.

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I am just your ordinary average every day sane psycho supergoddess