07 September 2008

Power exchange vs power siphoning

Power exchange. Exchange. Exchange of power. Definition of an exchange: to give up (something) for something else; part with for some equivalent; change for another(per Dictionary.com)
This definition states pretty clearly that for an exchange to take place, each person has to give something to the other. In true D/s, there is an exchange of power. That's why it's called... wait for it!... POWER EXCHANGE! When I'm with Kat, there is an exchange- of energy, of desire. I crave his submission just as much as he craves my dominance.
I know there are women especially who pretend that they are aloof goddesses of pain, and are completely unaffected by the man grovelling at their feet... but I'll be honest. I'm not one of them. When he is on his knees in front of me, with that gorgeous expression on his face that says that he will walk through fire if only I'll ask him to- it just sends this spike of pure pleasure through my very soul. It makes me happy in ways I don't know how to describe. I fucking love it. When I don't see him for a while, I start craving it, thinking of things to do to him, imagining the taste of his flesh when I bite into it. I start seeing the beautiful welts on his flesh in my mind's eye, the texture of his skin after a good hard spanking... yeah. I'm starting to drool here.

So *drags mind firmly back to topic* there is an exchange there. I know he fantasizes about me as well, thinks about the sound of my voice and the touch of my hands. Many 'nilla folks think D/s is one-sided. They think that the dominant gets whatever she wants and the submissive is just stuck with it. That's not so at all, as anyone who's been involved with the scene knows. Dominants work, and work hard. Good ones do, anyway. That's a separate rant, but let it suffice to say that good dominants 'give' as much as their submissives do.

There are a lot of bad dominants out there. Dominants who siphon power from their subs, who expect their subs to give over everything of themselves, while they sit back and sip a martini. But I'll rant about those another day.

What's on my mind right now is subs who do the same thing. Subs who are completely emotionally dependent, completely unable to function without the approval/permission/constant coaxing of their dominants. The subs who NEED constant feedback/approval from their dominants just to keep breathing.
Starfish subs. In 'nilla het sex, there's a derogatory term for certain women: 'starfish'. These are women who lay back, spread their legs, and expect the men to do all the work. The subs who never want to develop any kind of personal responsibility, or sense of efficacy. Who expect the dominant to hold ALL of the power and al of the strength so that they never have to develop any of their own. Starfish subs.

I know some dominants love these. Personally, they drive me insane. I can't find any kind of attraction to someone who doesn't have any sense of efficacy. What power is being exchanged with a person who has no power? That's not power exchange, that's power siphoning. Maybe you're UberGodDom/me with unlimited personal power to be siphoned by a starfish sub, but I'm not. I'm just not, and 20 minutes with a starfish drains me to the dregs until I have nothing to give to the subs who can give something back.

1 comment:

  1. what a great term, "starfish" subs. it goes along with some of the points in your earlier entries about wanting a submissive man who is strong. otherwise, where is the hotness in the exchange? I've never gotten the "sissy" or "weakling" fetishes. I always thought it just wasn't my bag, but in context of your writings, it seems like those fetishes are for a starfish sub, who sees a Domme as his fetish-delivery-service, rather than as a person with whom to share an intense experience.

    I'll go ahead in the spirit of tangents and link it to the common thread running through yours and Bitchy Jones' blogs, that in the portrayal of femdomme, people have focused on the woman, the fancy outfit, her being cold, when really that's not what its about.

    The dominant guys in femsub portrayals are not made up little dolls, they are real and authentic, and so are the women who are subbing to them. and they get turned on by using the subs, even if part of the psychodrama is "I don't care that you're suffering." (of course, he cares, his cock is getting hard at watching her suffer, its hot) So why is it different in media portayal of femdomme?

    thoughts of doing things to her sub SHOULD make the Domme craving and hot and drippy, or else what's the point? (unless she's in it for an ego boost or $$ I guess)

    anyway, awesome post and I love your blog. - John


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