31 July 2009

Goodbye, ashke

I said goodbye to Wolf yesterday.
Not zhai'helleva, not 'see you later'. Goodbye.

I don't say goodbye much. I say, "tschus," which is one of several German words for "see you later," (The primary version, "auf wiedersehen," literally translates as, "to be seen later"). I don't say goodbye. It's too final, too strong.

I don't let go well. Not even of those I should. I never have.
Wolf has been in my life for 7 years, he was my first real lover- the first person to teach me that sex could not only not hurt (thank you, Jewel!), but that it could feel really good. Before Wolf, I knew that only in the abstract.
He is the one who, by betraying me, taught me how strong that I am.

But he crossed the last line yesterday, threatening harm to someone who is mine. Yes, I'm aware that he views this person as his, but you do not protect someone by threatening them with harm.
Hurt me, break me, betray me, and I will smile through my tears and offer you forgiveness.
Harm someone who is mine to protect, and I will hunt you to the ends of the earth.

There can be no love, no honor, no respect left between us after this. It is not in me to hate someone I once loved, but this childish, dishonorable behaviour has broken the last remaining thread of love in my heart for him.

I feel bruised inside, soft and sad and afraid, because I do not want to walk away from someone I spent so much of my time and energy loving. I don't want to give up, to abandon a love that was once the most important thing in my life- a love I based more decisions around than I'll admit even here, a love I believed would last forever. I don't want to admit that we failed even as friends.
But I cannot sustain a friendship with someone who can't be civil to me, someone who threatens his own brother out of anger at me, someone who has betrayed me at every turn and now seeks to betray his own brother.

So goodbye, ashke. I will miss you, but I'm remembering what I had forgotten- my life is better without you in it.


  1. Thank you for the way you put words together.

    You're not the person today that you were 7 years ago, and neither is Wolf. You have both grown, learned about life and the demons inside you, focussed and refocussed.

    If it doesn't work any more that doesn't deny the truth you felt for all those years. On the contrary, your connection with Wolf has empowered you to make new connections. And by saying goodbye you preserve the memory of him *then*, not him *now*.

    To your shiny future.

  2. @DG:
    Thank you, darling. The difficulty is that while I've grown, he hasn't. Yes, I realize that it sounds like my anger saying that, but it's truth. He fights and throws temper tantrums now, the same way he did 7 years ago, whereas I've learned to mediate and discuss. I can't do that anymore.

    I'm afraid it's too late to reserve even primarily the memory of him, then. Every good memory of him- laughing, loving me, driving too fast, is wrapped around with the bad ones- crying in my arms, abandoning me at a bus station, accusing me.
    It's better that way, though, because I am prone to remembering *only* the good and trying to recapture it... and it's too late for that.


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