Call for Submissions

The fabulous Essin' Em is putting together an anthology on Sex and Dis/ability. If you feel like you qualify, please, by all means, send in a submission!

Call for Submissions (Anthology)

Working Title: Sexual Ability: Embracing the Intersection of Sexuality and (dis)Ability

Editor: Shanna Katz, M.Ed, Human Sexuality Education, Widener University

Contact: sexualability@gmail.com

Submission Deadline: March 31, 2009

Even as we approach the end of the first decade of the 21st century, there is still a large gap in people's minds when they think about sexuality as it relates to people who are disabled, whether cognitively or physically. While some studies have been performed regarding the potential for differently-abled people to lead satisfying sexual lives, in which satisfying seems to center around the ability to orgasm, very little has been written about the experiences involving the sexualities and experiences of people who identify as handicapped/disabled/differently-abled, as well as their partners.

People of all ability levels are sexual beings. Sex is hard enough to navigate and negotiate when one fits in with society's notions of what a sexual being is, but once you add in the concept of ability, it can become quite challenge. This anthology, Sexual Ability, seeks to bring forward the stories, challenges and experiences of differently-abled people and their partners, putting a face on the trials that so many valuable members of our society must face. By sharing the experiences of the disabled community in relation to sexuality, Sexual Ability hopes to challenge people's viewpoints, foster discussion and conversation, and open doors towards a shift in the social constructions surrounding sexuality and disability.

Essay submissions should be well thought out, and written in a scholarly manner. Acceptable submissions can be in the form of short research papers, non-fictional accounts of personal experience(s), discussions on issues regarding sexuality and disability, etc. Fictional pieces/erotica will NOT be considered. Each author may submit a total of two (2) essays for consideration.

Some topics that authors might consider (but are certainly not limited to) include;

*Coming out to a new partner and facilitating the "disability discussion"

*Reclaiming words surrounding sexuality and disability, such as "crip," "handicapped," etc.

*Issues within the medical community; talking with doctors about being sexually active when you're differently-abled.

*Having to create new sex techniques, positions, conversations, or having to re-define the traditional definitions of sex, etc.

*Disabled and queer, disabled and of color, disabled and religious; reconciling multiple identities alongside sexuality.

*Re-conceiving your sexuality after loss of previous abilities, either solo or with a partner.

*Ability and kink; negotiating within the BDSM community when differently-abled.

*Sexuality and ability through out different cultural experiences.

*Portrayal of disabled people in the media (film, TV, art, advertisements, etc) and the connection to sexuality.

*Disability rights; the fight for them, and how they affect sexuality amongst the disabled community.

*Birth control/contraception; getting it, using it, adapting it, as well as pregnancy/adoption/abortion.

*Creating your identity as a disabled person who is a sexual being; how did it evolve, and what was your journey.

*Any other subjects you feel cover the topic of sexuality and (dis)ability.

  

By March 31, 2009, please send:

*Your 2,000 – 6,000 word submission, as a word document attachment. It should be titled as such: SubmissionTitleAuthorName.doc (example: SexualAbility.ShannaKatz.Doc). Submissions must be received in 12 point Times New Roman font and sent in via Word documents (other files and cut/pasted text will not be accepted).

* Your complete contact information, including legal name, pen name (if you have one), phone number, email, address, and website (if you have one).

*A 50-100 word biography about yourself.

Please submit the above to: sexualability@gmail.com with the subject line of "Sexual Ability – Submission." Submissions will be read and reviewed as received, but decisions will be made final by July 2009. Please note that accepted submissions will be approved on a tentative basis, pending editorial board approval once the anthology has secured a publisher.

Questions can be directed to Shanna Katz at sexualability@gmail.com or please visit the Sexual Ability MySpace page at www.myspace.com/sexualability.

Please distribute widely. Feel free to post on blogs, websites, social networking sites, listserves, etc.

A note: I would not dare to define what disabled/handicapped/differently-abled meant to anyone. Please do not ask me if your disability counts; if you or your partner identify as such, then I welcome your submission to this anthology.

Burned

My home fries burned. 

I'd say I feel bad about this, but I'd be lying.

Right through my teeth.

Because you know why they burned?

They burned because I was on the kitchen floor, sucking Jack's cock while he beat me over the shoulders and back with his belt. 

Yeah.

Who needs food after that?

Happy. Just... happy.

Night Moves

I woke up this morning, still wet from Jack's face between my thighs. 

No, I still wasn't feeling 100%, but he's so damned cute when he's being a horndog.

I swear, in any other male this constant desire- and insistence on expressing it- would be annoying as hell.

In him, though, it makes me blush and giggle like a virgin. 

And give in. 

Oh, it took some giggling and squirming and figuring out, but it wasn't long before we were kissing (albeit carefully, since I was still congested) and making out (albeit gently since I was still a little sick) and laughing. 

He pulled away from me, showing me his beautiful, erect cock. 

This is what you do to me, just kissing and playing with you, he told me. 

I melted inside. I love knowing that I do that to him. Love it. 

I beckoned to him impatiently, throat still too sore to talk much- and therefore too sore to do what I so wanted to- but not too sore to play with my very favoritest toy. 

He straddled my chest, thighs across my breasts, hands tight on the headboard while I played with him. 

Licking up and down his shaft, sucking the head of him tightly into my mouth... not far, not far at all... but far enough. Swallowing the purple head of him inside my soft, pink mouth, and looking at him all the while. I knew the expression on my face, the evil joy of it. Lilith must have looked at Adam like that, because Eve never would have. 

I love teasing him. Scraping my teeth gently over that sensitive little helmeted head, lathing the underside of it with my tongue, the twin sensations enough to make him groan and grip the bed hard enough to make the antique wood creak. 

Eventually, though, in that position my jaw got sore and throat was still too sore to finish properly.

So we traded places... sort of. He slid down my body, the rough-smooth touch of his skin making my squirm and moan this time, and his breath blowing hot on my thighs. 

Shaving

I shaved Jack today. 

Running my razor over the beautiful, delicate skin of his cock and balls. Watching the droplets pour down over his skin.

He's beautiful, in the running water. He doesn't believe it, but it's true. 

It started as a joke.

So much with us does. 

He was shaving his balls, something he started about a year ago, when I complained about getting hairs in my teeth. I watched (we always shower together) with my usual fascination. The soft scrape of the razor over that most sensitive of skin... most men will tell you that the skin of their balls is almost more sensitive than that of their cocks. Certainly more so than the shaft.

I've never dated another man willing to let me near his balls with something that sharp. 

But Jack will. 

He knows I prize those beautiful, dangling little toys far too much to ever harm them.

I teased him that the rest of his pubic hair was getting long enough to braid, and he started to do his usual careless trimming of it, running the razor lightly down the skin. 

I laughed, pointing out that that didn't work very well, leaving some hairs very long, and other patches nearly bare. It's, um, not his best look. 

You can always do it like I do, I pointed out, mischevious smile firmly in place. 

He raised an eyebrow at my nearly-grown-back-in mound. 

Here, I'll show you, I told him. I took the razor and dragged it down, over the fleshy mound that protects his cock and balls, stopping every swipe or so to rinse the razor. 

And slowly, so slowly, his beautiful skin was revealed. Slowly, with every swipe, I could see a little more of him. 

I knelt down, the razor in my hand, to better see what I was doing, water running down both of our skin.

I opened his thighs wide, exposing that vulnerable crease between thighs and groin, swiping the deadly sharp blade over it. Bare inches from his femoral artery.

Scraped it gently over his beautiful, beautiful cock, half-hard from my hands simply moving him around. 

Ran it over his balls, removing every last hair I could find. 

Kissed his cock gently, then accept his hand up, back to my feet. 

Then I used his thigh as a footstool to shave my own legs. 

My life rocks sometimes. 

Reposting

So I still don't feel like writing much- after 2 weeks of moving insanity, and another full week of Jack and I alternating being sick, the last thing on my mind is kink.

Ok, so it's still on my mind. And a lot, at that.

But the last thing I have energy to devote to is kink. 

So there. 

So I'm reposting this awesome bit of information from Catalina Loves. If you read the shit I write, then you almost certainly already know this, but I bet you know someone who doesn't. Tell them. Seriously. If everyone knew these things, the world would be a better place.

A friend of mine is a very high-end escort, a courtesan if you will.  A lot of our conversations revolve around how we would like to tap into our experiences in the sex industry to our benefits.   It gave me the idea to write this post about what I have learned about society and sexuality through other women’s husbands.  Because good things come in seven, I’ve thought of 7 lessons I’ve learned from men about men.

1) Your husband really doesn’t give a shit about your body.  Sure, he has a preference - thin or fat - but ultimately men aren’t as concerned with your bodies as you are.  Most men have told me that they are ultimately turned off the most by listening to their wives bitch and moan about their bodies and wish that they would just stop bitching about it and either do something about it or embrace it.  Let me assure you, my body is not perfect after two babies, but that is completely unimportant - what matters is that I act sexy even if my body isn’t society’s standard of sexy.

2) Your husband really wants you to give him more head and he really wants to go down on you more!  There are men I’ve known who have never, in 30 years of marriage, ever given or received oral sex because their wife simply won’t.  Some women have been taught that they smell bad or taste bad, or that oral sex is just nasty and won’t have a thing to do with it.   Not only do men want oral sex, but past clients of mine have paid me just to give me oral sex.  So let me get this straight, you want to pay me to get me off with your tongue?  God Bless America.

3) Your husband is as lonely as you are.  Try giving him a little attention, get off the internet and stop reading sex blogs and have sex (but not until you leave a comment, of course!)  Seriously, a lot of men are very lonely and just want to interact, married men who crave human touch are baffling to me - how can you sleep in the same bed and not touch each other?  Just touch him.  Give him a massage, rub his head, caress his thighs and give him the sweet attention that you would love to receive.

4) More men see sex workers than you’d think.  The responses I used to get were plentiful and made me wonder if anybody is monogamous or if everybody just claims to be.  People look down their noses at polyamory or open relationships as though they are morally questionable, yet those same people claim to be monogamously married while sleeping with a sex worker.  Apparently if you pay for sex it doesn’t count as cheating.

5) Men really do crave that threesome with another woman, but they would also be happy if you’d just talk about it and fantasize about it without getting uptight.  A lot of men have shared with me that they don’t know if they really could ever go through with a threesome, but that they think it would be hot to just talk about it in bed during sex with their wives.  However, these same men are afraid to even ask for this because of the negativity waterfall it will create by the mere mention of another woman.

6) Men love assplay.  As a sex worker, my best cients and most loyal customer base were men who solicited me because I would play with their ass and balls.  A lot of men (A LOT OF MEN!!) really love the idea of being taken by a woman with toys and even more men desire strap-on play but are afraid to tell their wives.  It’s a huge threat to their masculinity and a lot is at stake to ask for ass play, especially if your wife won’t even suck your cock (see #2).  Slide in a finger next time and play with his prostate just like he would with your g-spot and see what happens!  It’s an entirely different kind of orgasm and he will never forget it.

7) Men are willing to spend a lot of money when they are horny.  Men, I’m saying this because I feel like a lot of people think that women are the exploited ones in sex work, but I am willing to go out on a limb and say that men are the truly exploited ones - paying substantial amounts of money to fulfill a basic human need.

Happy birthday of a long-dead Roman god of soldiers. 

My party last night was wonderful, involving lots of food and random kissing and canoodling. 

I don't know how to tell you how very much my life rocks right now. 

Lunch date

His hand was wrapped around my throat. Such a pretty little neck, he said softly. Almost like it was made for my hand, he told me. I whimpered and nodded as best I could in his grip. 

Moments like this, I could believe that my body had been made for his touch.

His hand moved, fingers dug into that sensitive spot on my jaw, just below my ear. It hurt, and I made small pain sounds, writhing just a little against him. 

Do you want me to stop? he asked. 

I gave it a moments thought. I could hear the smile in his voice, the utter joy he feels at hurting me. I wanted him to keep feeling that joy.

No, I whispered. 

He dug in harder, another finger pressing into the sensitive spot just below my nose and I shivered with the effort it took not to fight his big hands. I whimpered, pressed tightly into him. 

A moment or an hour later, slowly, reluctance clear in his hands, he released me, his hands moving to cradle me against him. Good girl, he whispered to me. Good girl. 

Home

I'm alone tonight. Jack and the Navigator are at a hockey game, and I'm curled up on the couch with our two dogs (Sarah is still up for adoption, if you know someone interested, let me know!), writing and thinking. 

I'm happy right now. In that bone-deep contentment sort of way, that until now I had never felt for more than a few moments at a time. 

I am not escaping my life, as I once had to to feel happy. 

I am living it. 

I am living it here, in this new house which feels like mine (despite being rented!)

I am living it here, in the city I love. 

I am living it here, surrounded by people who love me. 

Lucivar asked me if I will go to the play parties tonight. 

I don't know, honestly. 

I don't really feel a need to. The knowledge that I live here now, and that they will be here regardless of whether I choose to go this night or not is strangely comforting. 

I don't feel my usual frantic drive to see everything, do everything, that I usually do when I am here. 

I don't have to do it this weekend. I live here now. 

There will be other weekends. 

And that single thought makes me happier and more content than I have been in years. 

Newsflash

Being curled up between two extremely attractive men being petted and fed ice cream just fucking rocks.
Seriously?
I am the luckiest woman on earth.

Shower sex, my style

I was in the bathroom, fresh from the shower. We've been moving for the last two days, so I hadn't had one in two days- yum!
So this, my first shower in my new home, was one to savor. I spent a good 45 minutes under the steaming water- washing and conditioning my hair, shaving from head to toe, lightly exfoliating... that whole girly shebang I so seldom give myself permission for.
When I finally got out, I perched on the edge of the tub and painted my toenails. They're now a soft, abalone-shell white.
It was during this that Jack walked in.
"Yum," he said, eyeing my again-naked pussy. I grinned.
"Yep," I responded, showing him that my 6 months of bleeding seems to be slowly dripping to a halt, and that I was therefore clean again.
He grinned back, sliding his hands up my calves.
I stiffened for a half-second, not totally expecting his immediate response, but then relaxed. If I still tasted off, he'd just stop, no reason to fret over it.

A moment later, for the first time in months, I felt his lips touch my pussy.
The sensation was electric (I always thought that was a silly phrase until last night!) and I gasped.
His tongue teased its way between my pussy lips and I whimpered softly.
He stayed that way, teasing me lightly, never quite making it to my clitoris, just teasing and licking and kissing my pussy lips as though they were the lips of my mouth.

All I could do was clench my fingers spasmodically around the little bottle of nail polish, forgotten in my fist.

I spent the rest of the night wet with anticipation.

Moved in

My fingers tingled when he drove away, and I could still feel the soft strands of his hair between their tips.
I could still feel the way his skin gave when I sank my nails into it, and hear the small sound he made.

I could still smell him on my skin, and the craving inside me grew with every step I took away.

HNT- Half-Naked Thursdays

Ramblings

We got the house.
We got the house.
We got the house.

We really, seriously, got the house.

Tomorrow morning at 10, we sign the lease and collect the keys. Our landlord is a *sweetheart* and the place is near Marta (public transportation) and easy access to the main roads.

I'm so.incredibly.thrilled.

HOLY SHIT WE GOT THE HOUSE!

To put my rantings over a rental house into context, you have to understand that this is the first time I have ever chosen my own place of residence.

I have lived with exes, and I inherited my house, but this is the first home of my own that I have ever chosen.

I'm so incredibly thrilled.

Checking in

No, I haven't felt like writing much lately.

Yes, I will eventually.

No, it probably won't be all that soon.

We might have found a house. We think we found a house. I'm going to call this afternoon and try to get the paperwork started.
Which means that this weekend will be The Big Move.

Oh, and Friday, grades come out.

So yeah. See Bella stressed.

There will be more sexy stuff eventually, just be patient.

Better

I'm starting to feel better.
Slowly, slowly. The better-ness is creeping up on little cat feet like fog. Slowly, quietly, so subtle that I almost dont notice it, until I look up and realize that it's wrapping gently around me, obscuring my stress like vision in the fog. I'm not on the edge of tears.
I can handle the thought of my responsibilities again.
I'm not ready to face them yet, but I can handle the thought of them again.

Yesterday, Jack and I finished our last exams, and we're anticipating pretty good grades this semester (I'm thinking 3 A's and a low B/high C), and we're now safe in Small Town, GA, with Terry and Lucivar.

Last night, I curled up in the hot tub with Lucivar, hiding under the hothot water from the chilly night air. We cuddled together- not hurting, not playing, not doing kinky things. Just cuddling and talking and relaxing as the buoyant water tried to lift me up and swirl me around with the jets of heat.
We came back inside, steaming in the chilly air and glowing pink to freshly-made oatmeal-butterscotch cookies (Terry is a phenomenal cook) and the loving companionship of our partners, and I just relaxed for a little while, surrounded by people I love.

It was one of the best nights of my life.

HNT- Half-Naked Thursdays

So I still don't have any good pictures of myself, so here's another one of/by someone else.

Courtesy Bad Man's Tumblr

I haven't felt much like writing lately. I haven't felt much like sharing the inside of my head, because it's a pretty ugly place right now.

My to-do list stretches ever-longer, and tomorrow are my last two exams and then the drive to Atlanta.

I'm exhausted, terrified, and burnt out. Packing and moving always depresses me- for most of my life, packing meant I'd been abandoned again, given away. It's proving nearly impossible to convince myself that this isn't the case this time.

You can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
-Anna Nalick, Breathe (2am)

I reached my fundables goal. Thank you so incredibly much.
Seriously. I don't know how to express how much it means to me.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled sexy stuff.

Poly and D/s

Where are the lines drawn?
Where do the rules intersect?

The most basic rule in BDSM is that the Top gets their way. (Ok, so technically the bottom controls the scene and whatever else, but that's the idea of it anyway)
The most basic rule of poly is that no one moves forward without everyone's consent.

So how can you be both poly and D/s?
Especially as a Top?

Ok, this is kind of a trick question. I don't really see a problem with it. Jack and I had some issues in the beginning, because he grew up only knowing monogamy. He was completely squicked the first time I suggested he have sex with someone else without me being directly involved. Now, though? I've been trying to get him laid for months, and he's cooperating rather well for someone who's totally antisocial by nature :)

So here's where I throw my $.02 in.
Consent. Everything we do, both as kinksters and poly folks (those of us who are either, or both) is about consent.
I wouldn't dream of tying someone up and beating them without their consent. That's abuse.
I wouldn't dream of playing sexually with someone without my partner's consent. That's cheating.

Maybe this issue is more clear-cut for those in pure Dom/sub relationships. Or at least, in my fantasy of them- the Dom says, "We are poly," and then they are. The Dominant (in an M/s relationship, at least) has 'implied consent' on behalf of the submissive. Or at least, that's the theory. Most states don't accept that anymore, and nor do most subs.
See, so I know better. I was in a submissive relationship for a while, and it sure as hell didn't work that way. No Dom in their right mind, who actually cares about their sub, makes blanket decisions like that without taking the sub's desires into consideration and soliciting their input. To do so would be an engraved invitation for the end of the relationship, with much strife and drama in the meantime.

But for those of us like Jack and I, who are both mostly Toppy and very vanilla as partners, it's, um, even more complicated.
Because it means I didn't get to decide one day, "Hey, I miss being poly! Hey Jack, we're poly now so I'm going to go play with this person!"
*laughs*
I wish. Seriously.
It took months of negotiations, discussions, and boundary-setting. Hells, we're still not all the way there- Jack is still totally uncomfortable with me doing overtly sexual play with someone he doesn't feel a connection with himself. Don't ask me why, I don't gte it either. But it's his thing, so I respect it even when I don't understand it.
Because we're partners, and that's what that means to me.
He doesn't get my love of horses. But he respects it. We're partners.

I'll be honest- it was hell for both of us. I'm naturally poly, so I honestly don't understand his feelings of fear of rejection, his jealousy, his desire for monogamy. I have no way to relate to them, so when he brought them up, my instinct was to tell him that he was being silly, to 'get over it'. I'm not going to leave him for someone else- with poly I don't have to!- so what's he getting his knickers in a twist over, anyway?
Yeah. Not Bella's most mature response.
And poor Jack, raised with monogamy his entire life, who'd never even *heard* of poly before he met me, suddenly finds himself with this girlfriend who can't have sex with him, but wants the freedom to be sexual with other people. WTF?!
Poor guy. I'm a shitty girlfriend sometimes, seriously.

So we negotiated. And we still negotiate. Every new partner, every new step, we negotiate. On my end, he's got blanket permission provided that it's barriered. As far as I'm concerned, he can fuck who he wants (although I get veto power!), beat who he wants, and even just snuggle with who he wants, because I feel totally secure in the fact that he's still coming home to me.
On his end, we negotiate. He's come a really long way, but this is still uncharted territory for him. I have blanket permission with girls (what *is* it about straight men not finding other women to be a threat? To be somehow *safe*? Misogynistic bastards, all of them!), but with guys? Yeah... negotiations central. I swear, I could talk people out of hostage situations by this point, I think!
But it's worth it.
It's worth it because every day when I wake up next to him, he feels secure in our bed, in our relationship.
It's worth it because every time I come home high from beating the CRAP out of someone else, he smiles to see my excitement because he knows that I'm still coming home to him.
It's worth it because now that I'm strap-on shopping, even though he has no interest whatsoever in them, he looks with me and gives me his thoughts on them, and enjoys my excitement.

Sure, our negotiations about my taking Kat as mine caused some pretty serious fights. Sure, I got pissed and felt like he was choosing to be a pain in the ass about the whole thing. Sure, our negotiations about Terry and Lucivar took hours of one day, and the idea of all of them in my room at DomCon gave me anxiety attacks several times.

But it's worth it, because I know that everyone in my life has a security, a surety, of where they stand with me. They know that I love them. They know what my rules are, and they know why. We may not all like them all the time, but we know them. My lovers know that I won't abandon them, won't just walk away because Jack is upset about something. And Jack knows that no one will ever take him away from me.

Do I bemoan the constant balancing act sometimes? Do I think how much easier all of this would be if I were single sometimes?
Well, duh. I'm human.
But when I wake up in Jack's arms with wisps of the memory of someone else's scent on my skin, and I know that this is a safe place for all of us... well, then, there're no negotiations that aren't worth it.
Maybe I don't get to be MistressGoddessUberDominaFromHell and say, "This is my will, so mote it be!" but you know what? Most of them don't get to either... at least, not those in healthy relationships ;-)

HNF- with horses.

So I sorta didn't manage an HNT yesterday.
That whole Thanksgiving thing... so here's some real HNF, actually of me.

Ok, so it's more a chance to show off the horses I work with, but whatever.

More Anita Blake quotes

"If he'd been a girlfriend I would have asked by now, but guy friends re different. Sometimes you have to sneak up on them... all men are leery of their emotions, spook them and they'll shut down. If you're careful, quiet, not too eager, sometimes you'll learn more. Of course, sometimes you have to club men over the head with some question to get any sense out of them, but they prefer to speak from a quiet place." -6

“Sex is one of the most personal things we do as people. To have someone who says she loves you limit how you express yourself in the bedroom is like a small death. It kills the soul." -11

"It was one of the highs of BDSM, that possibility of disaster and pain. Not the pain you wanted, but that this time your partner could go too far. We had our safe words, and I trusted... (him)... implicitly, or I never would have let him tie me up, but still... part of the game was that you looked into your lover’s eyes and let him see, that you aw the darkness in them. That you saw the potential for... evil, but you trusted that he wouldn’t do it. You trusted him enough to be helpless. It was a lot of trust to have... this odd trust." -22

"I mean...(her)... Idea of love and your idea of love weren't the same. You want to be consumed, not smothered. A fire needs air to burn bright. She took your air away, and the fire died." -43

"...I've always spoken my mind, I’ve always been independent. That is not a trait that draws men to pretty, petite, delicate-looking women. They want to protect and coddle, and do stupid shit like that." -56

"I held him while he wept... he cried in huge racking spasms, but he wasn't loud. His body felt like it was being torn apart with grief but he didn't shout with it. He cried like someone who'd been taught not to attract too much attention to his grief. Too much noise and they'll come and find you, to find out why the tears." -91-92

"If this is your version of careful, then be reckless; it's got to work better." -129

(Blood Noir, Laurell K Hamilton)

Thanks-giving thoughts

I got a call this morning from Suzanne Sexysadist, an awesome friend and amazing Domme.
It made me realize all over again how blessed I am for the people in my life.

Thank you.

And Happy Thanksgiving, to those who celebrate it.
Although it's not a holiday I'm much into, today I will be at Rev and Chef's, eating the best.food.ever, and hanging out with amazing people who love and respect me for who I am. Broken bits and all.

Next Thanksgiving, or so Lucivar and I chatted about yesterday, I think that I will put on an Orphans Thanksgiving, in the spirit of one of my my livejournal friends.

Lucivar said: "...kinky people are all kind of orphans though. Involved in relationships that their famlies don't understand or know about. We need a kink-family gathering."

I think he's right. And not just for us kinksters. There are so many people I love who are separated from their families, estranged from their families, or just plain too far away and too broke to get to them.
So next year, I resolve to have an Orphans Thanksgiving for those of us who are orphans- either permanently or just temporarily from distance or circumstance.

And you know what?

I'm thank-ful not only for the idea, but for the fact that I'm capable of doing it.

The Corpsman

Last night I heard from an old friend for the first time in a long while.
I'll call him the Corpsman here.
We went to Navy Boot Camp together- Great Mistakes, ah how dearly I don't miss you!

Less than a year later, I was discharged for medical reasons, but the Corpsman went on to be just that: an FMF Corpsman. Not only did he get me through Boot Camp- every time I thought I wasn't strong enough, couldn't do it, hurt too damned much (I was injured through most of Boot Camp but graduated on time anyway), he was there to tell me that I could- but he went on to be exactly what I wanted to be. A Fleet Marine Force Corpsman.
See, I'll explain.
I grew up around cops, cowboys, bikers, and Marines. But I knew that the Corps itself wasn't for me. I'd just spent most of my young life patching people up, though, so I knew where I did fit in with my Marines: as a corpsman. The Marines don't have medics (or dental or religious personnel) of their own, they rely on Navy Corpsmen. FMF Corpsmen are those who choose to train to an extra level so that they can be attached to Marine units. They train with them, are deployed with them, fight beside them- and save them.
That's what I wanted to do.
And that's what the Corpsman did.

After we graduated, we stayed in touch, stayed close friends. We fell a little in love with each other- the way that people do who survive an intense experience together.
But I got out of the Navy, and moved to Tampa.
We kept chatting sometimes. He was deployed to Iraq, and I wrote him every week, and sent boxes every 2-3 weeks. I kept his unit supplied with $2 dvds :)
Halfway through the deployment, we started flirting. Well, we'd always flirted, but it wasn't serious. It started to be. We started talking about getting together, and whatthat would take. He always encouraged me to follow my dreams, reminding me that he'd never give up his, either. We talked about BDSM, about fantasies, desires. We talked about polyamory and desire.

One day, though, I realized that I wasn't sure how much of our attraction was a combination of my codependence and his "girl back home" ideal, and how much was really us.
So I started backing off. We still talked a lot, but eventually I met Jack and he met another girl.

We stayed in touch a while, then drifted away.
And now he's back.

Still funny, still wickedly intelligent, still bi, still switchy. And I'm still as fascinated with him as I was 5 years ago (this month!) when I saw him last.

He is *so* coming to visit us when we move!