Setting Fire to the Rain

Last night, in the cool darkness of the car as Rush and I sped toward home, we talked.
Listening to Adele, listening to "Set Fire to the Rain," and the plaintive, bluesy lament of her knees too weak to stand in your arms.
I am reminded, with painful, heart-squeezing suddenness, of the last time I held you within my body.

Never before, and never since, have I been so willing to walk through fire for someone. Never before, never since, have I loved with so much passion and so little reason.

Memories:
The scent of you: hot metal and cigarettes and spicy musky arousal.
Your bedroom, with the rainbow fan left over from some long-ago child  moving the hot hair over our bodies as we lay spent in one another's arms.

My body moving over yours, stretching gorgeous fullness of you inside of me. My thighs tireless from constant horseback riding, riding you, moving you in and out of me with the rhythm I have only in horses and sex.
Your dark hands on my breasts and my little gasps and whimpers. Looking down, still learning to enjoy sex as pleasure, not pain, revelling in the sight of your body moving inside of mine. Your voice, a chocolatey chuckle, "You like seeing me inside of you, don't you?" My flushing, stammering reply... 17 and still so innocent, so shy, despite the worldliness I claimed. "Yes...."
Your low voice, telling me to bring myself- to cum for you.
Leaning back a litte, aching with fullness, your hands on my breasts, twisting spirals of pleasure from my nipples fluttering to add to the heat in my groin. My fingers finding my clit, shy at first- I am still too nervous  to share this often- small circles while you move against me until the pleasure grows, spills through me in shivering waves and low moans as I spasm against you. The deeply masculine satisfaction on your face as you pin my gaze with yours even as I shudder and whimper against you.
Your hands tightening on me, flipping me until I am beneath you, pinned, a little breathless from the aftermath of my orgasm and the adrenaline of the sudden movement. Your body pounding harder into mine, you willing now to take your pleasure and my body arching to meet you, hips matching your pace with greedy hands and mouth on your heated body.
Feeling you tighten inside of me, tighten against me, my body responding instinctively to the promise of pleasure and spasming around you again as you finally spill yourself inside of me, the mini-orgasm of my lover's orgasm dragging my nails into your shoulders.
After: your hands idly tracing my body. Poessession and pride and pleasure in your touch. Little ticklish wriggles and soft moans as I lie spent and sated against you.


A flood of memories now:
Taste of mango dropping down my hand as I sucked my fingers clean and licked the juices up, your eyes watching me as I suck each finger clean individually, thoroughly.
Moments later, your cock in my mouth, satisfaction of your low groans. Silky hard ridge of your cockhead under my tongue. Choking pleasure of taking every inch of you in- still inexperienced at it but so eager to learn, so eager to please you.
Later still, the movie forgotten, dusty scent of your couch and the tickling of your hair against my thighs, the heat of your mouth between my legs. The whimpering arching sharpness of your teeth lightly teasing my clit, your tongue lathing it gently afterwards until I arch and moan and grind into you begging wordlessly for more.

Your car, late at night. Church parking lot, ancient graveyard behind us.
The taste of you filling my senses, neck sore from sucking you but I don't care- I just want this. Shiver down my spine from the location, your hand on my neck, heat easing the muscles even as you press me further onto you. My low humming moan against your balls and your complementary shiver.

Rushing adrenalinefearjoy riding behind you, eyes closed in refusal to see the speedometer and tangible expression of trust in you. Smell of leather even over the rushing wind, arms right around you. Humming motor between my legs, tight press against you. Exhilaration of riding a motorcycle again- no knowledge yet of the greater joy of riding my own- with someone I love.

The last days:
Curled against you for what I didn't know was the last time. Your body wrapped warm and safe around mine. No, you were not safe anymore and I knew it. I was not 17 anymore, not naive anymore, and there was more pain and anger and bitter rage between us than there ever had been love. Your hands in my hair, your fingertips on my skin, and the mingled joyregretneedhoperagelove of every single moment I think about you.

I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak,
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

But there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing is better

'Cause there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you'd say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you'd play
You would always win, always win.

But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
When it fell, something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!

Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you.

I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames
When it fell, something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, ohhhh!

Oh noooo
Let it burn, oh
Let it burn
Let it burn

Chance disaster

You weren't supposed to be there.

I went to get some paperwork, and I put it off for weeks to make sure that it was your day off.

I didn't want to see you, didn't want to feel the kick in the gut that was your presence.

I didn't want to look over, didn't want to see your profile- Gods it's as beautiful as ever, the line of your jaw which shouldn't be visible from half the bay away.

I didn't want to feel the vise grip of loss and pain and rage and fear that the mere sight of you engenders.

Why did you do it?

Why did you break the last thread which I could not justify retying?

Why did you threaten harm to someone I love?

Why did you do the one thing I can't forgive?

Why did you take the last, tiny, forlorn hope of an 'us,' away from me?

My heart is pounding, even in memory, and tears are pricking the backs of my eyes. It took every ounce of strength to keep my back straight and my head high as I walked out the door, every ounce of strength I have not to turn, wave, promise that I'll let you back in if only you'll promise never to do it again. Not to scream at you that you ruined everything, even our friendship.

I was in shock when I drove away: clammy skin, shallow breaths, lightheadedness, pounding heart, but I drove anyway because the only other choice that I had was to wrap myself in your arms.

Goodbye, ashke

I said goodbye to Wolf yesterday.

Not zhai'helleva, not 'see you later'. Goodbye.

I don't say goodbye much. I say, "tschus," which is one of several German words for "see you later," (The primary version, "auf wiedersehen," literally translates as, "to be seen later"). I don't say goodbye. It's too final, too strong.

I don't let go well. Not even of those I should. I never have.

Wolf has been in my life for 7 years, he was my first real lover- the first person to teach me that sex could not only not hurt (thank you, Jewel!), but that it could feel really good. Before Wolf, I knew that only in the abstract.

He is the one who, by betraying me, taught me how strong that I am.

But he crossed the last line yesterday, threatening harm to someone who is mine. Yes, I'm aware that he views this person as his, but you do not protect someone by threatening them with harm.

Hurt me, break me, betray me, and I will smile through my tears and offer you forgiveness.

Harm someone who is mine to protect, and I will hunt you to the ends of the earth.

There can be no love, no honor, no respect left between us after this. It is not in me to hate someone I once loved, but this childish, dishonorable behaviour has broken the last remaining thread of love in my heart for him.

I feel bruised inside, soft and sad and afraid, because I do not want to walk away from someone I spent so much of my time and energy loving. I don't want to give up, to abandon a love that was once the most important thing in my life- a love I based more decisions around than I'll admit even here, a love I believed would last forever. I don't want to admit that we failed even as friends.

But I cannot sustain a friendship with someone who can't be civil to me, someone who threatens his own brother out of anger at me, someone who has betrayed me at every turn and now seeks to betray his own brother.

So goodbye, ashke. I will miss you, but I'm remembering what I had forgotten- my life is better without you in it.