Switching with Actaeon

Actaeon has cut his hair. It leaves his cheekbones higher, more exposed, his lips (even) fuller, and the planes of his face are harsher and more masculine. He looks…. aggressive. But that makes me uncomfortable, so I tell him that he resembles a young hedgehog and feel my heart contract at his expression of distress.

There is a difference even in his walk- no longer the feminine sway of his hips to which I am so accustomed (and so enjoy watching!) but a more assertive tread of boots now.I don’t know how to respond to this person I know but do not know, this masculine side of himself to whom I’ve never been formally introduced: “Hello, who are you? I have shared my body, my heart, with you, but I don’t know you.”

I know I am being cruel, know that my small, cutting remarks are out of line, but I can’t help it. I’m disconcerted, frightened by the replacement of the boi I’ve loved with this young man I’ve only ever seen glimpses of.…. and fear as always made me angry.

It is later, and I have apologized. Seeing glimpses of the boi I love in this man I barely know has helped until I’ve begun to slowly integrate them in my head, in my heart, and let me see this man as simply another facet of the boi I love.

We are kissing, and even that is different. This is not the gentle yielding of his mouth to mine but something harsher, more aggressive. His tongue fences with mine, where before it yielded, his lips demand where before they begged. I don’t know this stranger who is kissing me with the familiarity of a lover, and it makes me tense, afraid. Who are you? Why are you pressing your body to mine as though you are my lover, as though I know you, and why do I have the unaccountable urge to yield to it?

And suddenly it clicks.

His need to express this newfound masculinity aggressively, our long-ago discussions of him as a switch, and my own trust in him. It crystallizes in a single memory of him holding me, rocking me, whispering words of comfort when I was afraid and overwhelmed, and abruptly the switch is thrown.

I know this man, he is another facet of the boi whom I love. I trust this man, who has proven that he can comfort me and still believe in me afterward, and he is worthy of this, this yielding in me which I do not give to anyone.

My body goes soft, pliant in his hands, and my mouth opens to his. There is a single startled moment as his mind registers the change in me before his hands respond- tightening their grip with a low growl, winding in my hair, his body pressing me farther into the bed and his hips opening my now-willing legs.

And I let myself sink into the trust, the surrender, which I so rarely allow myself, so rarely trust in another being as he relearns what this victory feels like with someone capable of fighting.

Teeth

'Do you want the blood spatter powerpoint?' he asked.

My eyes went wide, and I started licking my lips. 

He laughed. 

I like USB- UberSadisticBastard2.0. He's a sick fuck, and we get along beautifully. 

'Then I want two things,' he told me. 

I nodded, warily. He scares me a little, so I wasnt about to jump into that particular snake pit. 

'Throw me another of those chocolates, and bite me.' He said it casually, but I was instantly salivating. He's yummy, too, by the way. 

My forebrain intruded briefly, and I gave him an, 'are you sure?' look as I tossed him another chocolate. 

We're sitting in my kitchen. He and Jack are a little drunk, and they've just watched the hockey game, high on their masculinity trips for the evening as we all swap stories of hurting people. We sit in the points of a triangle, Jack and I on the counters on each side of the stove, framed by blond wood, and USB leaning next to the sink, the sage-green wall and darkened window giving his face an evil cast. 

He just grins. 

Instantly, my mind is made up. He's a big boy. He can make his own mistakes. 

I cross the room, almost a stalk. I know the bloodlust is clear in my eyes, and I love this man I barely know for simply grinning in the face of it. 

Even my darling Lucivar cringes when the color of my eyes is the color of this particular insanity, but USB merely smiles. 

Right this moment, I love this man. 

He lifts his arm to me, and my eyes lock onto it. I no longer know him as person, as friend, as shoe-whore and hockey fan. He is meat, and he's lifted a piece of the meat closer to me. 

Again, my forebrain intrudes, reminding me that he will likely wear short sleeves sometime in the next month, guiding me to his upper arm, where the shirtsleeve will hide any mark. 

I can smell him. 

Right this moment, this man smells divine. 

I have no idea where the attraction ends and the bloodlust begins. 

I doubt it matters. 

I almost don't realize it when my mouth touches his flesh, so wrapped up in the scent of his skin am I, but the shock of taste is 10x stronger. 

His skin is salty-sweet, a little like blood already. I spare a moment to wonder if he's sweating in my cool house before my teeth close on his flesh. 

This moment. This moment is divine to me. I love the taste of flesh in my mouth, the resistance of my teeth sinking into flesh. 

There is cannibalism in my lineage somewhere, I know it. Because right this moment, I want nothing more that to shake my head savagely, rip a piece of him away, and swallow it. I want the taste of blood and flesh, coppersweet in my mouth. 

But I restrain myself... slowly... carefully.... and I bite down. 

There is nothing I can compare it to. There is nothing with the texture of flesh except flesh. Nothing with the taste of flesh but flesh. 

The resistance of it, sweetly stubborn, and my teeth are sinking, sinking, and my hands are cradling his arm almost tenderly and I can taste his pain. It's changing the flavor of skin, giving it a sharper taste like adrenaline, and I can hear him cursing, "Fuck! Fuck that fucking hurts! Fuck!" and I am moaning my joy and arousal and the taste of his flesh as my teeth continue to close on his body. 

I realize suddenly, just as he taps me, "enough!" that I have sunk nearly to my knees, dragging his body with me as I bite into it. 

An experiment

So I've decided that I'm going to think of this imbalance between my Top and bottom sides as a social experiment.

How does being this out of balance with one side effect the other?
I'm a switch, I've mentioned it before. If I dont get both sides filled enough, I'm not a happy camper. But I've never gone very long without them both, so I've never gotten to find this out.

Will I lose all interest and go 'nilla for a while?
Will I turn into a raging psycho-bitch with my Top side?
Will I just get depressed and lose interest in sexual things entirely?

Since I don't see a way to prevent this imbalance right now (Fucking YAY for not having a Top I trust around right now!), I might as well see what I can learn from it.

Effects so far: (almost 3 weeks since I've had good submissive headspace)
~increased grumpiness in general, probably due to my anger level at A
~increased sadism level in my Top side
~decreased ability to orgasm
~decreased interest in sex in general
~random insane mood swings

Well this s certainly going to get interesting. It's probably a good thing I won't be seeing Kat for a while...

The men in my life, or, switching and balance

I'm a poly switch. I play on both sides of the whip, and they're both important to me. I crave both sides, need both sides.

I have an amazing partner. Jack. He is 'nilla kinky, and monogamous by nature, but has been incredibly supportive of my other partnerships. He is the other half of my life, I don't know that I could get by without him- not merely physically, but emotionally. It's silly and melodramatic to say that he is the other half of me, but it's not very far off. He has been there for me through some of the worst things in my life- and that's rather impressive as I've lived a pretty active life. I may love my other partners, but he is the one I think of when I think of 'home'.

I have an absolutely darling submissive, Kat, whom I adore. I am not what he is looking for long-term, and we both know that, but in the meantime it meets both of our needs. I love him. I love him with a deep, abiding, possessive passion. He is my first submissive, and he has taught me more than he knows. I love him for that as much as I love him for himself. Just being around him makes me incredibly happy.

I also have a dominant, A. We met online, and our play stays there. His relationship and distance from me don't allow for us to play in person, which is actually how it became okay with my partner. That was our first foray into the world of poly- A was my first dominant, and one day when I craving subbing, I found myself flirting with him. He called me on it, and I told Jack and apologized. His response shocked me: he told me that as long as it stayed long-distance, he didn't mind because my kink needs were stronger than his and he wanted me to be happy.

I have to have both sides of myself assuaged, or I get out of balance and unhappy. If I spend too much time without dominant headspace, I get itchy and bratty, and crave dominating. If I spend too much time without submissive headspace, I get cranky and have trouble focusing on anything involving dominance.
Given that it's not unusual for A to get busy, or side-tracked, and for me not to get submissive time in, that's kinda a problem...
It would be fine, except that I talk to Kat nearly every day, and visit him quite often. In other words, I get lots of Toppy time in. And I love it, Blessed Mother don't get me wrong, I LOVE it. When he is kneeling in front of me my whole body goes hot and cold and I just start drooling in pleasure.
But the longer I go without submissive headspace, the harder it is to get into a good Dominant space OR a submissive space. I have to really be pushed into submission, which most people aren't capable of doing. So I end up in a simmeringly resentful vanilla mode. Which really isn't fair to Kat, not to mention me.

So, obviously, I need to go and sub to someone! Gee, why didn't I think of that?
Oh, wait- I did.
There's one little kink in that plan (pun intended).
I have Jack's agreement to sub to two people, well three.
One is him, but I've been having a lot of trouble with that even before he got sick, and he's not able to push me into submission the way I need when I'm feeling like this.
Another is A, but A's in some weird vanilla mode and hasn't felt like playing in several weeks. See Bella's resentment level spike.
And the third lives in NY. Please note that I live in south Alabama. Yeah.
Fuck.

Expect lots of bitchy rants over the next little while.