Subspace and consent

I've been browsing Fetlife today, and come up with some amusing threads. The one that is most interesting at the moment concerns subspace and consent.

Basically, the OP disagrees with the whole, "I was in subspace so I can't be held responsible for my actions and anything bad that happened is ALL YOUR FAULT."

So rather than dive into the transient and argumentative world of the forums, I'm going to articulate my thoughts here, relatively permanently stored, and let you argue with them if you want :)

Caveat the first- I refuse to define subspace for anyone other than myself.

Caveat the second- for me, when I bottom, I go into an altered state of consciousness.

Now, that altered state of consciousness, for me, is a lot like being drunk. I enter it mostly knowingly (every once in a while that 3rd drink hits harder than expected, or that really good term of, ahem- endearment- whispered just right in your ear sends you sliding under), I get really, really suggestible, and I am willing to do things I don't usually find enjoyable otherwise.

However, please note the distinctions:

I enter it knowingly, and therefore have the responsibility beforehand to choose a partner who knows what will happen and whom I can trust to be responsible for my welfare while I'm temporarily less capable of doing so.

Note my wording, by the way- less capable, not incapable.

I become suggestible, which does not mean "completely open to any influence," for those who are too lazy to look it up. The judge will not let you off for drunk driving just because someone else allowed you to have your keys, and I won't excuse you from being irresponsible simply because someone else was present and suggested it.

I am willing to do things I'd otherwise not. That doesn't mean I'll have sex with a complete stranger, let someone cut off parts of my body, or otherwise do something really stupid. It means that I will enjoy rougher sex than usual, accept a harder beating than usual, etc. It doesn't mean I'll let something completely out of character happen- it means that I'm willing to push my usual interests a little farther.

So, let's recap, shall we?

For me, subspace means that the person I already know and trust can suggest to me that we push my current interests a little farther.

It does not mean that anyone can convince me to do something I would then later classify as assault of any kind.

....don't get me wrong, Lucivar once debated digging my eye out with a knife and I'd probably have let him in the headspace I was in, but I also knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if he did he'd find a way to fix it.

And THAT, my friends, is the key difference.

CinErotic Film Fest in Atlanta!

CinErotic Film Fest brings a kinky, poly Valentines to Atlanta!

Erotic filmmakers from as far away as Singapore, Barcelona and Brazil entered films for the brand new CinErotic Film Fest, alongside homegrown filmmakers from Atlanta and Athens. All will be represented in CinErotic's three nights of screenings at Eyedrum Gallery next weekend, February 12-14.

Kink-O-Matic - Sunday, Feb 14, 6pm - $8

On Valentines' Day, the Fest will screen "sexy, smart, artful erotic short films with a twist — or a kink, if you will," says founder Kiki Carr. "These are films about sexuality that colors outside the lines, and celebrates all that is kinky, bdsm, leather or otherwise polymorphously perverse!"

Among the films featured are director Julie Simmon's "Dolls Fit," the refrain of the odd abusive mother in the film, as well as acclaimed Barcelona director Erika Lusts' view into the suave S&M that keeps sex fresh in "Married with Children." From San Francisco, director Anthony Viti's gives us the raunchy "Asspig" and his Gus Van Sant-esque motion pictures from behind-the-scenes at web pornhouse Kink.com in "Mission & 14th." Narcissister gets a spanky workout in "Self-Gratifier," and "Strap-on Owl Beak" chronicles an actor's descent into an underground of perversity. Select videos by virtuoso filmmaker Tom Chomont artfully depict the world of leather, BDSM, and erotic shaving with an intensity akin to spirituality.

Then there's no other film quite like Curt McDowell's "Pornografollies." This rare 16mm film from 1970 San Francisco features a succession of performers doing sexual/genital vaudeville acts. Described by the New York Times as "slapdash surrealism...a musical of sorts, a bisexual scatological revue full of bad jokes, good humor, and and a general content that I could not begin to describe here," Pornografollies transmutes sexual variety into celebratory comedy.

Valentines' Play Party hosted by WhipperSnappers at Spring4th Center

After the films, kinksters are invited to a special Valentine's Day play party at the Spring4th Center. The party starts at 8:30pm, and entry is only $5 -- and FREE! for CEFF ticket holders (from any screening). The play party is hosted by festival sponsor WhipperSnappers, an under-40 bdsm group, but isopen to anyone over 18. Spring4th Center is located at 728 Spring St. NW

Queer as F*ck - Friday, Feb 12, 8:30pm - $8

The "Queer" show Friday night treats viewers to erotic short films that appeal to boys, girls, transfolk and gender queers. The main attraction is "Tour de Pants," a new film by Luke Woodward of San Francisco featuring hot fags, transfolk and lesbian gangsters — in bicycle-related erotic scenes all over the sexual map.

Other shorts include "The Ginger," in which a sexy redhead seductively eats a turkey drumstick; "The Erotic Couch" by Athens artist Andrew Shearer shows what happens when a reluctant lesbian gets a magical velvet couch-cover; things aren't what they seem for a gay male couple in "Hitchcocked;" "Want" proves that differently abled queers can get what they desire; a handsome butch ranchhand takes home the cute femme lamb, in "The Sheep and The Ranchhand," and Narcissister dares you to put him/her in a gender box in "Man/Woman."

If (when) the films leave you hot, bothered, and panting for more, head over to Mary's in East Atlanta for a free CEFF-sponsored make-out party for everyone.

Passion & Pleasures - Saturday, Feb 13, 8pm - $10 General Admission / $20 VIP

Make it a passionate Valentines to remember on Saturday night with a luxurious date special: for $20/person (surely one of the most recession-friendly Valentines' events!), you and your sweetie(s) get reserved seating up front on romantic couches, with sweet treats, and complimentary champagne (21+). VIP tickets are sold "per-person," rather than "per couple," making this a great Valentines' date night for singles, polyamorous partners, or couples!

But even regular ticket holders will swoon to the romantic short films in the line-up. "Vocolotion" by Atlanta's beloved artist R. Land ("Loss Cat") is his unique take on sex ed videos from years past. Some of his more famous images make cameos in this film and wind up in, literally, sticky situations. "The Flesh is Willing" is pure noir-infused erotica. "The Good Girl," by award-winning filmmaker Erika Lust, revisits the classic "pizza guy" porn cliche from the female point of view. Her newest short, "Handcuffs" is a brief glimpse into a sleek nightclub where sideways glances reveal a sexy secret.

"Headshot" and "Cocksucker," by two separate female directors, show the same act from opposite sides, in a breathless yet politically challenging take on, yes, the blowjob. Meanwhile, "Allen Ginsberg Gives Great Head" dissects Singaporean identity through the vaselined lens of an Adonis-like, self-pleasuring young hipster, and the Narcissister engages a "Hot Dog" in unseemly acts.

The 1963 short film "Christmas on Earth" is directed by famed filmmaker Barbara Rubin (who introduced Andy Warhol to the Velvet Underground). Curated by Andy Ditzler (Film Love), the film is set in a New York apartment where a group of men and women engage in an orgy, and is one of the earliest sexually explicit works of the American avant-garde, or by a female director.

All-Fest Passes!

Film buffs can purchase passes good for all three shows for a mere $25 -- or $35 for a VIP Fest Pass, including the VIP luxury experience on Saturday night — and organizers expect sell outs. All films will be shown at Eyedrum Gallery, 290 MLK Jr. Dr. SE, 30312.

CEFF is produced in part by Andy Ditzler's award-winning Film Love series, and PinkEye indie queer film salon. The Fest is generously funded by the Lloyd E. Russell Foundation, and supported by sponsors Dr. Bombay's, Spring4th Center, WhipperSnappers, Frolicon, and SouthEast Leather Fest. SPARK Reproductive Justice Now is the designated community partner.

For more information and to purchase tickets, visit www.cineroticfest.com

Kinky Prom Update

For my local friends:

Kinky Prom has the fun of Frolicon, the energy of Whippersnappers and the indulgence of SELF! Want to go for less? For 48 hrs beginning 12:00 AM on January 13th (that's today, folks!) until 11:59 PM on January 14th save 25% off the price of a Prom ticket! To get your savings now go to the Ticket link on the page to use this code C710CBac7 to purchase your Kinky Prom tickets for 25% less. This is a charity FUNd raising event. All funds raised will be split evenly between SouthEast LeatherFest's two 2010 charities.

Hurry! You only have 48 hours to take advantage of the code. It starts tomorrow night at midnight. We can’t WAIT to see you at Kinky Prom on February 6th at 8pm in Atlanta GA!

Exactly!

Said better than I could have myself:

Sweet and Lowdown, "Prince Charming is Submissive"

Poly and D/s

Where are the lines drawn?
Where do the rules intersect?

The most basic rule in BDSM is that the Top gets their way. (Ok, so technically the bottom controls the scene and whatever else, but that's the idea of it anyway)
The most basic rule of poly is that no one moves forward without everyone's consent.

So how can you be both poly and D/s?
Especially as a Top?

Ok, this is kind of a trick question. I don't really see a problem with it. Jack and I had some issues in the beginning, because he grew up only knowing monogamy. He was completely squicked the first time I suggested he have sex with someone else without me being directly involved. Now, though? I've been trying to get him laid for months, and he's cooperating rather well for someone who's totally antisocial by nature :)

So here's where I throw my $.02 in.
Consent. Everything we do, both as kinksters and poly folks (those of us who are either, or both) is about consent.
I wouldn't dream of tying someone up and beating them without their consent. That's abuse.
I wouldn't dream of playing sexually with someone without my partner's consent. That's cheating.

Maybe this issue is more clear-cut for those in pure Dom/sub relationships. Or at least, in my fantasy of them- the Dom says, "We are poly," and then they are. The Dominant (in an M/s relationship, at least) has 'implied consent' on behalf of the submissive. Or at least, that's the theory. Most states don't accept that anymore, and nor do most subs.
See, so I know better. I was in a submissive relationship for a while, and it sure as hell didn't work that way. No Dom in their right mind, who actually cares about their sub, makes blanket decisions like that without taking the sub's desires into consideration and soliciting their input. To do so would be an engraved invitation for the end of the relationship, with much strife and drama in the meantime.

But for those of us like Jack and I, who are both mostly Toppy and very vanilla as partners, it's, um, even more complicated.
Because it means I didn't get to decide one day, "Hey, I miss being poly! Hey Jack, we're poly now so I'm going to go play with this person!"
*laughs*
I wish. Seriously.
It took months of negotiations, discussions, and boundary-setting. Hells, we're still not all the way there- Jack is still totally uncomfortable with me doing overtly sexual play with someone he doesn't feel a connection with himself. Don't ask me why, I don't gte it either. But it's his thing, so I respect it even when I don't understand it.
Because we're partners, and that's what that means to me.
He doesn't get my love of horses. But he respects it. We're partners.

I'll be honest- it was hell for both of us. I'm naturally poly, so I honestly don't understand his feelings of fear of rejection, his jealousy, his desire for monogamy. I have no way to relate to them, so when he brought them up, my instinct was to tell him that he was being silly, to 'get over it'. I'm not going to leave him for someone else- with poly I don't have to!- so what's he getting his knickers in a twist over, anyway?
Yeah. Not Bella's most mature response.
And poor Jack, raised with monogamy his entire life, who'd never even *heard* of poly before he met me, suddenly finds himself with this girlfriend who can't have sex with him, but wants the freedom to be sexual with other people. WTF?!
Poor guy. I'm a shitty girlfriend sometimes, seriously.

So we negotiated. And we still negotiate. Every new partner, every new step, we negotiate. On my end, he's got blanket permission provided that it's barriered. As far as I'm concerned, he can fuck who he wants (although I get veto power!), beat who he wants, and even just snuggle with who he wants, because I feel totally secure in the fact that he's still coming home to me.
On his end, we negotiate. He's come a really long way, but this is still uncharted territory for him. I have blanket permission with girls (what *is* it about straight men not finding other women to be a threat? To be somehow *safe*? Misogynistic bastards, all of them!), but with guys? Yeah... negotiations central. I swear, I could talk people out of hostage situations by this point, I think!
But it's worth it.
It's worth it because every day when I wake up next to him, he feels secure in our bed, in our relationship.
It's worth it because every time I come home high from beating the CRAP out of someone else, he smiles to see my excitement because he knows that I'm still coming home to him.
It's worth it because now that I'm strap-on shopping, even though he has no interest whatsoever in them, he looks with me and gives me his thoughts on them, and enjoys my excitement.

Sure, our negotiations about my taking Kat as mine caused some pretty serious fights. Sure, I got pissed and felt like he was choosing to be a pain in the ass about the whole thing. Sure, our negotiations about Terry and Lucivar took hours of one day, and the idea of all of them in my room at DomCon gave me anxiety attacks several times.

But it's worth it, because I know that everyone in my life has a security, a surety, of where they stand with me. They know that I love them. They know what my rules are, and they know why. We may not all like them all the time, but we know them. My lovers know that I won't abandon them, won't just walk away because Jack is upset about something. And Jack knows that no one will ever take him away from me.

Do I bemoan the constant balancing act sometimes? Do I think how much easier all of this would be if I were single sometimes?
Well, duh. I'm human.
But when I wake up in Jack's arms with wisps of the memory of someone else's scent on my skin, and I know that this is a safe place for all of us... well, then, there're no negotiations that aren't worth it.
Maybe I don't get to be MistressGoddessUberDominaFromHell and say, "This is my will, so mote it be!" but you know what? Most of them don't get to either... at least, not those in healthy relationships ;-)

Power exchange vs power siphoning

Power exchange. Exchange. Exchange of power. Definition of an exchange: to give up (something) for something else; part with for some equivalent; change for another(per Dictionary.com)
This definition states pretty clearly that for an exchange to take place, each person has to give something to the other. In true D/s, there is an exchange of power. That's why it's called... wait for it!... POWER EXCHANGE! When I'm with Kat, there is an exchange- of energy, of desire. I crave his submission just as much as he craves my dominance.
I know there are women especially who pretend that they are aloof goddesses of pain, and are completely unaffected by the man grovelling at their feet... but I'll be honest. I'm not one of them. When he is on his knees in front of me, with that gorgeous expression on his face that says that he will walk through fire if only I'll ask him to- it just sends this spike of pure pleasure through my very soul. It makes me happy in ways I don't know how to describe. I fucking love it. When I don't see him for a while, I start craving it, thinking of things to do to him, imagining the taste of his flesh when I bite into it. I start seeing the beautiful welts on his flesh in my mind's eye, the texture of his skin after a good hard spanking... yeah. I'm starting to drool here.

So *drags mind firmly back to topic* there is an exchange there. I know he fantasizes about me as well, thinks about the sound of my voice and the touch of my hands. Many 'nilla folks think D/s is one-sided. They think that the dominant gets whatever she wants and the submissive is just stuck with it. That's not so at all, as anyone who's been involved with the scene knows. Dominants work, and work hard. Good ones do, anyway. That's a separate rant, but let it suffice to say that good dominants 'give' as much as their submissives do.

There are a lot of bad dominants out there. Dominants who siphon power from their subs, who expect their subs to give over everything of themselves, while they sit back and sip a martini. But I'll rant about those another day.

What's on my mind right now is subs who do the same thing. Subs who are completely emotionally dependent, completely unable to function without the approval/permission/constant coaxing of their dominants. The subs who NEED constant feedback/approval from their dominants just to keep breathing.
Starfish subs. In 'nilla het sex, there's a derogatory term for certain women: 'starfish'. These are women who lay back, spread their legs, and expect the men to do all the work. The subs who never want to develop any kind of personal responsibility, or sense of efficacy. Who expect the dominant to hold ALL of the power and al of the strength so that they never have to develop any of their own. Starfish subs.

I know some dominants love these. Personally, they drive me insane. I can't find any kind of attraction to someone who doesn't have any sense of efficacy. What power is being exchanged with a person who has no power? That's not power exchange, that's power siphoning. Maybe you're UberGodDom/me with unlimited personal power to be siphoned by a starfish sub, but I'm not. I'm just not, and 20 minutes with a starfish drains me to the dregs until I have nothing to give to the subs who can give something back.