I originally wrote this piece for A. He was supposed to continue it, but never did so I consider it up for grabs.
Your hands were in my hair, tangled in the soft strands and pulling my head back sharply, making me whimper. I could feel you behind me, the warm line of your body over my own as you bent forward and bit into the soft flesh at the back of my neck, and I gave a soft cry, my body going limp across the bed, prone and helpess. You yanked me back up, your hips pinning mine down so that my back was arched sharply and your free hand wrapped around my torso to my breast, squeezing and pinching my nipple until I whimpered in pain and pleasure, writhing under the pressure of your hand and hips, your cock pressing into the soft skin of my ass. I writhed against you, begging you to fuck me, needing to feel you inside of me, my hips twitching in their own, silent plea.
Your hand left my hair, only to wrap around my throat, your long fingers wrapping almost all the way around my small neck, making me whimper and plead for more even as you rolled my nipple between your fingers, the pain and pleasure combining into one almost unbearable sensation. I could feel your cock growing against my ass, and rolled my hips as best I could, rubbing against you, stimulating you, begging you with my body to please fuck me, to use me. Abruptly, I felt myself shoved down to the bed, your grip changing to the back of my neck and holding me tightly down. I whimpered a little, wondering what was coming, until I felt your hand on my ass, stroking down to my engorged cunt, parting my lips…
I had a moment of panic when I woke up, blind, with a weight across my chest. I tried to claw the soft cloth off of my face, only to realize that my hands were tied above my head. Just as I started to really panic, your voice cut through my wild thoughts, “Be still, darling.”
Instantly, I stilled, understanding at last, and knowing that as long as you were here I was safe.
Sort of.
I took quick stock of myself, flexing my ankles and realizing that they too were tied widely apart, my wrists secured above my head, blindfold on, and your weight heavy on my chest. I whimpered a little, flexing against the bonds instinctively, sensing your mood from my predicament, but even as I made the soft noise of what was ostensibly fear, I felt myself growing wet for you.
You laughed, I don’t know how you knew it- surely you couldn’t smell my arousal yet? “Such a perfect little slut, you’re already ready to be used”. I could only whimper, knowing that you were right. I was aching for it, and as always, you knew it- it was one of the things I loved most about you. You know what a slut I am at heart, and not only accept it but love me more for it.
“Please…” I whimpered.
Your response was immediate and to-the-point. Before I even finished the single syllable word, your cock was between my lips, effectively gagging me. I whimpered once more but followed the unspoken command, drawing you into my warm, wet mouth eagerly, lips tight around your cock. You thrust immediately into me, and I choked for a bare second, not quite ready for it, but quickly adjusted, stroking you with my tongue and sucking slowly. You gave a low moan of pleasure and I swirled my tongue around the head of you, my supine position not allowing me as much depth as either of us like, but more than enough to gag me effectively. I scraped my teeth oh-so-gently over you, just enough to provide sensation, and I felt your body clench, drawing a moan of pleasure from my own throat that vibrated around you.
Showing posts with label a. Show all posts
Showing posts with label a. Show all posts
25 September 2008
24 September 2008
Vulnerability
I have a love/hate relationship with vulnerability. I spent a long time hiding. I'd only show what I thought people wanted to see. Nothing was spontaneous, everything was scripted for effect.
I made the right gestures, I showed the right facial expressions, I made the right little noises.
Even during sex, you only saw of me what I wanted you to see. I was never vulnerable unless I chose to show you vulnerability and then only a certain amount, scripted to get a response from you. I showed just enough vulnerability, after showing my strength, to make you feel like maybe that supposed vulnerability was special and shown just to you, that maybe you were the one who I felt safe with. I scripted everything to make you want me, and eventually, to make you love me.
Then I met Wolf, and for the first time I really was vulnerable. I really was honestly happy, and honestly scared, and just plain honest. It was exhilarating not to hide, to honestly eel things and show them. But it... didn't work out well for me.
So I retreated again. I put up the masks, and they got me through some really hard things.
Then I met Bunk, and I married him because he offered me safety and friendship, and that was all I wanted and thought I could handle. I tried to be honest with him, but I kept lapsing back into old patterns.
Then I met A. And he showed me my submissive side. He made me scared and happy and very, very vulnerable. He read me, he knew when I was lying with my face, my eyes, my posture, and he taught me honesty with him. I loved it.
But A couldn't give me what I needed outside of scene, so I found Jay. He was a Dom, he said, and he said he could read me, could give me that vulnerability and exhilaration.
He couldn't, and in fact I learned better than ever how to hide everything from him because he knew how to make every issue my fault, how to twist the knife in me. So I shut down, and I stayed that way for over a year before leaving him.
Enter Jack. I could be honest with Jack because I was leaving. We were never meant to be long-term. So I said, "Fuck it, I'm tired of hiding. I'm leaving, he can see me and it won't hurt anything because we won't be together long enough for him to get attached."
That was 2.5 years ago. Today.
I've spent 2.5 years being more honest and emotionally aware than ever in my life. I've consciously resisted manipulating him, given him the most honest and vulnerable parts of me and done my damndest to make this work. I've loved it. It's been an incredible feeling to have someone know me, inside and out- not just what I was willing to show them, but all of me. The fear and the issues and the scars and the broken bits and the strength and the kindness and the stupid obsession with self-sacrifice and the laziness and the need and the pointless ramblings. All of me.
But last night, I put the mask back on because it was more important to me not to hurt him than it was not to harm myself.
And I think it broke me.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to be vulnerable, be able to just drop the masks and quit hiding behind them.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm better off keeping them.
I made the right gestures, I showed the right facial expressions, I made the right little noises.
Even during sex, you only saw of me what I wanted you to see. I was never vulnerable unless I chose to show you vulnerability and then only a certain amount, scripted to get a response from you. I showed just enough vulnerability, after showing my strength, to make you feel like maybe that supposed vulnerability was special and shown just to you, that maybe you were the one who I felt safe with. I scripted everything to make you want me, and eventually, to make you love me.
Then I met Wolf, and for the first time I really was vulnerable. I really was honestly happy, and honestly scared, and just plain honest. It was exhilarating not to hide, to honestly eel things and show them. But it... didn't work out well for me.
So I retreated again. I put up the masks, and they got me through some really hard things.
Then I met Bunk, and I married him because he offered me safety and friendship, and that was all I wanted and thought I could handle. I tried to be honest with him, but I kept lapsing back into old patterns.
Then I met A. And he showed me my submissive side. He made me scared and happy and very, very vulnerable. He read me, he knew when I was lying with my face, my eyes, my posture, and he taught me honesty with him. I loved it.
But A couldn't give me what I needed outside of scene, so I found Jay. He was a Dom, he said, and he said he could read me, could give me that vulnerability and exhilaration.
He couldn't, and in fact I learned better than ever how to hide everything from him because he knew how to make every issue my fault, how to twist the knife in me. So I shut down, and I stayed that way for over a year before leaving him.
Enter Jack. I could be honest with Jack because I was leaving. We were never meant to be long-term. So I said, "Fuck it, I'm tired of hiding. I'm leaving, he can see me and it won't hurt anything because we won't be together long enough for him to get attached."
That was 2.5 years ago. Today.
I've spent 2.5 years being more honest and emotionally aware than ever in my life. I've consciously resisted manipulating him, given him the most honest and vulnerable parts of me and done my damndest to make this work. I've loved it. It's been an incredible feeling to have someone know me, inside and out- not just what I was willing to show them, but all of me. The fear and the issues and the scars and the broken bits and the strength and the kindness and the stupid obsession with self-sacrifice and the laziness and the need and the pointless ramblings. All of me.
But last night, I put the mask back on because it was more important to me not to hurt him than it was not to harm myself.
And I think it broke me.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to be vulnerable, be able to just drop the masks and quit hiding behind them.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm better off keeping them.
17 September 2008
Apologies
So right after I complained about Ahela, the fucker goes and admits he fucked up.
The conversation went a little like this:
Me: Yeah, I have to go pick up my bike. She's been gone for 9 weeks now.
A: Wow, I'm sure that's been unpleasant.
Me: Considering that she is my primary source of stress relief outside of D/s... yeah.
A: Oh wow, I'm sure.
Me: And when you throw in the distinct possibility of Jack and I breaking up, with all of my usual sources of support gone, it's been... unpleasant.
A: Oh wow, I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Me: Shall I let my hurt and anger answer and say that you didn't want to know, or shall I let my love for you answer and say that you had issues of your own?
A: I'm not really sure, honestly.
Me: Neither am I. I came very close to cutting communications with you.
A: I can understand that.
Me: You make it very hard to be angry with you, you know that?
A: How do you mean?
Me: It's hard to be angry with someone admitting I have a right to be angry with them.
A: Well, I certainly can't deny it.
Me: Most would try.
A: I'm not most.
Me: This is very true. And it was even harder to say anything after your comment about my bring 'needy', and then you flat-out saying you had no interest in anything D/s-related.
A: I can absolutely see that.
It's not fixed. My sub side still isn't sure she/I/we can trust him to be there for her/me/us, but it's nice to have my friend back.
The conversation went a little like this:
Me: Yeah, I have to go pick up my bike. She's been gone for 9 weeks now.
A: Wow, I'm sure that's been unpleasant.
Me: Considering that she is my primary source of stress relief outside of D/s... yeah.
A: Oh wow, I'm sure.
Me: And when you throw in the distinct possibility of Jack and I breaking up, with all of my usual sources of support gone, it's been... unpleasant.
A: Oh wow, I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Me: Shall I let my hurt and anger answer and say that you didn't want to know, or shall I let my love for you answer and say that you had issues of your own?
A: I'm not really sure, honestly.
Me: Neither am I. I came very close to cutting communications with you.
A: I can understand that.
Me: You make it very hard to be angry with you, you know that?
A: How do you mean?
Me: It's hard to be angry with someone admitting I have a right to be angry with them.
A: Well, I certainly can't deny it.
Me: Most would try.
A: I'm not most.
Me: This is very true. And it was even harder to say anything after your comment about my bring 'needy', and then you flat-out saying you had no interest in anything D/s-related.
A: I can absolutely see that.
It's not fixed. My sub side still isn't sure she/I/we can trust him to be there for her/me/us, but it's nice to have my friend back.
16 September 2008
Rights and responsibilities
I talked to A again today.
I'm at the point emotionally where I feel like making up with him is the lesser of two evils- the greater one being having major issues with 2 of my 3 men, and the 3rd being too far away to lean on as I'd need and having too much on his own plate.
I'm still angry. Still hurt and betrayed. But I'm trying to get past it enough to talk to him because I can't afford to isolate myself right now, even for long-term good.
It's gotten me thinking, though. Where does one's responsibility to their submissive begin and end?
I tend to take the overly repsonsible route, I know that.
My ex-girlfriend, who subbed to me a bit and is still a good friend, is newly single and it's been really messing with her self-esteem. So she's been talking to me a lot, and I feel a responsbility to be there for her even when I don't feel like it. Even when I'm tired and cranky, I feel a responsibility to talk to her and reassure her.
My femsub- yes, the straight, 'nilla one- is extremely needy. It drives me nuts. I hate it. But when she's honestly having trouble, even when I'm in the middle of my deepest, darkest, "everyone fucking leave me alone" depression, I feel a responsibility to talk to her and help her.
It's the same with Kat, although less extreme because he's, well, less needy. An example would be at DragonCon- we had both had an incredibly difficult day, and things just kept going downhill. And both our stress levels just built, and built, and built until he finally burst out that he was so sorry that all of this was going on, and it was his fault, etc etc.
And all of my irritation just drained away, and was replaced with a warm affection for him. I made him come to me, and I put my arms around him and told him that I was rather pleased that all of this had happened because we wouldn't have much time together at D*C and I was glad that circumstances had forced this time together.
And yet, A decided about a month ago, maybe as much as 6 weeks now, that he was in a 'vanilla mode' and 'probably wouldn't be there long' but during that time he had absolutely no interest in anything kink-related and didn't want to even discuss submission with me.
In other words, he had no intention of meeting my needs- or for a few weeks there, even talking to me- despite knowing that getting badly out of balance has really nasty effects on my emotional stability.
Where does my responsibility as a dominant begin and end?
When I'm depressed and hurting myself, do I still have a responsibility to meet my submissives' needs?
Where does A's to me begin and end?
When he is in a mode that all things kink are uninteresting to him, does he still have a responsibility to help me meet my needs for submission?
I told Kat once that he as my submissive has a responsibility to me to tell me what his needs are- I'm not psychic, ok?- and that I have a responsibility to meet those needs. And if I can't meet those needs for some reason, then I have a responsibility to help him find another way to meet them.
Am I just overly obsessed with this concept?
Your thoughts, please?
I'm at the point emotionally where I feel like making up with him is the lesser of two evils- the greater one being having major issues with 2 of my 3 men, and the 3rd being too far away to lean on as I'd need and having too much on his own plate.
I'm still angry. Still hurt and betrayed. But I'm trying to get past it enough to talk to him because I can't afford to isolate myself right now, even for long-term good.
It's gotten me thinking, though. Where does one's responsibility to their submissive begin and end?
I tend to take the overly repsonsible route, I know that.
My ex-girlfriend, who subbed to me a bit and is still a good friend, is newly single and it's been really messing with her self-esteem. So she's been talking to me a lot, and I feel a responsbility to be there for her even when I don't feel like it. Even when I'm tired and cranky, I feel a responsibility to talk to her and reassure her.
My femsub- yes, the straight, 'nilla one- is extremely needy. It drives me nuts. I hate it. But when she's honestly having trouble, even when I'm in the middle of my deepest, darkest, "everyone fucking leave me alone" depression, I feel a responsibility to talk to her and help her.
It's the same with Kat, although less extreme because he's, well, less needy. An example would be at DragonCon- we had both had an incredibly difficult day, and things just kept going downhill. And both our stress levels just built, and built, and built until he finally burst out that he was so sorry that all of this was going on, and it was his fault, etc etc.
And all of my irritation just drained away, and was replaced with a warm affection for him. I made him come to me, and I put my arms around him and told him that I was rather pleased that all of this had happened because we wouldn't have much time together at D*C and I was glad that circumstances had forced this time together.
And yet, A decided about a month ago, maybe as much as 6 weeks now, that he was in a 'vanilla mode' and 'probably wouldn't be there long' but during that time he had absolutely no interest in anything kink-related and didn't want to even discuss submission with me.
In other words, he had no intention of meeting my needs- or for a few weeks there, even talking to me- despite knowing that getting badly out of balance has really nasty effects on my emotional stability.
Where does my responsibility as a dominant begin and end?
When I'm depressed and hurting myself, do I still have a responsibility to meet my submissives' needs?
Where does A's to me begin and end?
When he is in a mode that all things kink are uninteresting to him, does he still have a responsibility to help me meet my needs for submission?
I told Kat once that he as my submissive has a responsibility to me to tell me what his needs are- I'm not psychic, ok?- and that I have a responsibility to meet those needs. And if I can't meet those needs for some reason, then I have a responsibility to help him find another way to meet them.
Am I just overly obsessed with this concept?
Your thoughts, please?
15 September 2008
Balance, I'm trying for balance
I'm supposed to be studying for two tests, a debate, a quiz, and a round-table discussion.
And what am I doing? I'm talking to Kat and blogging. Of course.
I've mostly tried to keep things here upbeat as much as possible, but I don't have a lot in my sex life to be upbeat about right now. Well, I do, but when I feel depressed the bad things seem more overpowering. A very dear, very kinky friend told me once that depression is a disease of perspective. It steals your objectivity and makes everything seem darker than it should. She is a wise woman.
But dammit, it's hard to be upbeat about sex and kink when your body is in complete rebellion against you. Mine has evidently decided that I need to relearn all over again just how much of a masochist I am NOT. They warned me when I got the IUD put in that my first period or two afterwards would hurt like hell.
I had no idea how literally they meant that. My back is actually spasming, and my cervix has decided that I need to be informed of exactly how much it resents having a chunk of copper stuck inside it to keep it from doing its job.
Fucking ow.
And, on top of that! my body has evidently decided- whether from the IUD, the crap with A (who texted me this morning, btw. I didn't respond), the crap with Jack, or simply the depression that all of it is causing- that any kind of arousal needs to be severely punished by spasms of pain in my groin.
I knew I had been diagnosed with vaginismus but it's never been this severe.
So today I gave in and took one of Jack's muscle relaxers, and then I slept until 7pm this evening :)
Oops.
On the good side- because there always is one- I've been talking to Ke'chara, my ex-girlfriend, who is amazing at making me feel better. I've had a number of people sending me emails that have made me smile- you know who you are, and chatting with you has been a real upside to the last few days! Kat has been his usual wonderful self, and this weekend I get to visit him, Terry and Danny, and then have a birthday dinner in Atlanta. Also, this weekend is the FemDom event I enjoy so much as well as the TNG event, which, though Kat won't be joining me for either, I've already made arrangements to give my birthday spanking to a young man who will be attending the FemDom event.
And what am I doing? I'm talking to Kat and blogging. Of course.
I've mostly tried to keep things here upbeat as much as possible, but I don't have a lot in my sex life to be upbeat about right now. Well, I do, but when I feel depressed the bad things seem more overpowering. A very dear, very kinky friend told me once that depression is a disease of perspective. It steals your objectivity and makes everything seem darker than it should. She is a wise woman.
But dammit, it's hard to be upbeat about sex and kink when your body is in complete rebellion against you. Mine has evidently decided that I need to relearn all over again just how much of a masochist I am NOT. They warned me when I got the IUD put in that my first period or two afterwards would hurt like hell.
I had no idea how literally they meant that. My back is actually spasming, and my cervix has decided that I need to be informed of exactly how much it resents having a chunk of copper stuck inside it to keep it from doing its job.
Fucking ow.
And, on top of that! my body has evidently decided- whether from the IUD, the crap with A (who texted me this morning, btw. I didn't respond), the crap with Jack, or simply the depression that all of it is causing- that any kind of arousal needs to be severely punished by spasms of pain in my groin.
I knew I had been diagnosed with vaginismus but it's never been this severe.
So today I gave in and took one of Jack's muscle relaxers, and then I slept until 7pm this evening :)
Oops.
On the good side- because there always is one- I've been talking to Ke'chara, my ex-girlfriend, who is amazing at making me feel better. I've had a number of people sending me emails that have made me smile- you know who you are, and chatting with you has been a real upside to the last few days! Kat has been his usual wonderful self, and this weekend I get to visit him, Terry and Danny, and then have a birthday dinner in Atlanta. Also, this weekend is the FemDom event I enjoy so much as well as the TNG event, which, though Kat won't be joining me for either, I've already made arrangements to give my birthday spanking to a young man who will be attending the FemDom event.
04 September 2008
The men in my life, or, switching and balance
I'm a poly switch. I play on both sides of the whip, and they're both important to me. I crave both sides, need both sides.
I have an amazing partner. Jack. He is 'nilla kinky, and monogamous by nature, but has been incredibly supportive of my other partnerships. He is the other half of my life, I don't know that I could get by without him- not merely physically, but emotionally. It's silly and melodramatic to say that he is the other half of me, but it's not very far off. He has been there for me through some of the worst things in my life- and that's rather impressive as I've lived a pretty active life. I may love my other partners, but he is the one I think of when I think of 'home'.
I have an absolutely darling submissive, Kat, whom I adore. I am not what he is looking for long-term, and we both know that, but in the meantime it meets both of our needs. I love him. I love him with a deep, abiding, possessive passion. He is my first submissive, and he has taught me more than he knows. I love him for that as much as I love him for himself. Just being around him makes me incredibly happy.
I also have a dominant, A. We met online, and our play stays there. His relationship and distance from me don't allow for us to play in person, which is actually how it became okay with my partner. That was our first foray into the world of poly- A was my first dominant, and one day when I craving subbing, I found myself flirting with him. He called me on it, and I told Jack and apologized. His response shocked me: he told me that as long as it stayed long-distance, he didn't mind because my kink needs were stronger than his and he wanted me to be happy.
I have to have both sides of myself assuaged, or I get out of balance and unhappy. If I spend too much time without dominant headspace, I get itchy and bratty, and crave dominating. If I spend too much time without submissive headspace, I get cranky and have trouble focusing on anything involving dominance.
Given that it's not unusual for A to get busy, or side-tracked, and for me not to get submissive time in, that's kinda a problem...
It would be fine, except that I talk to Kat nearly every day, and visit him quite often. In other words, I get lots of Toppy time in. And I love it, Blessed Mother don't get me wrong, I LOVE it. When he is kneeling in front of me my whole body goes hot and cold and I just start drooling in pleasure.
But the longer I go without submissive headspace, the harder it is to get into a good Dominant space OR a submissive space. I have to really be pushed into submission, which most people aren't capable of doing. So I end up in a simmeringly resentful vanilla mode. Which really isn't fair to Kat, not to mention me.
So, obviously, I need to go and sub to someone! Gee, why didn't I think of that?
Oh, wait- I did.
There's one little kink in that plan (pun intended).
I have Jack's agreement to sub to two people, well three.
One is him, but I've been having a lot of trouble with that even before he got sick, and he's not able to push me into submission the way I need when I'm feeling like this.
Another is A, but A's in some weird vanilla mode and hasn't felt like playing in several weeks. See Bella's resentment level spike.
And the third lives in NY. Please note that I live in south Alabama. Yeah.
Fuck.
Expect lots of bitchy rants over the next little while.
I have an amazing partner. Jack. He is 'nilla kinky, and monogamous by nature, but has been incredibly supportive of my other partnerships. He is the other half of my life, I don't know that I could get by without him- not merely physically, but emotionally. It's silly and melodramatic to say that he is the other half of me, but it's not very far off. He has been there for me through some of the worst things in my life- and that's rather impressive as I've lived a pretty active life. I may love my other partners, but he is the one I think of when I think of 'home'.
I have an absolutely darling submissive, Kat, whom I adore. I am not what he is looking for long-term, and we both know that, but in the meantime it meets both of our needs. I love him. I love him with a deep, abiding, possessive passion. He is my first submissive, and he has taught me more than he knows. I love him for that as much as I love him for himself. Just being around him makes me incredibly happy.
I also have a dominant, A. We met online, and our play stays there. His relationship and distance from me don't allow for us to play in person, which is actually how it became okay with my partner. That was our first foray into the world of poly- A was my first dominant, and one day when I craving subbing, I found myself flirting with him. He called me on it, and I told Jack and apologized. His response shocked me: he told me that as long as it stayed long-distance, he didn't mind because my kink needs were stronger than his and he wanted me to be happy.
I have to have both sides of myself assuaged, or I get out of balance and unhappy. If I spend too much time without dominant headspace, I get itchy and bratty, and crave dominating. If I spend too much time without submissive headspace, I get cranky and have trouble focusing on anything involving dominance.
Given that it's not unusual for A to get busy, or side-tracked, and for me not to get submissive time in, that's kinda a problem...
It would be fine, except that I talk to Kat nearly every day, and visit him quite often. In other words, I get lots of Toppy time in. And I love it, Blessed Mother don't get me wrong, I LOVE it. When he is kneeling in front of me my whole body goes hot and cold and I just start drooling in pleasure.
But the longer I go without submissive headspace, the harder it is to get into a good Dominant space OR a submissive space. I have to really be pushed into submission, which most people aren't capable of doing. So I end up in a simmeringly resentful vanilla mode. Which really isn't fair to Kat, not to mention me.
So, obviously, I need to go and sub to someone! Gee, why didn't I think of that?
Oh, wait- I did.
There's one little kink in that plan (pun intended).
I have Jack's agreement to sub to two people, well three.
One is him, but I've been having a lot of trouble with that even before he got sick, and he's not able to push me into submission the way I need when I'm feeling like this.
Another is A, but A's in some weird vanilla mode and hasn't felt like playing in several weeks. See Bella's resentment level spike.
And the third lives in NY. Please note that I live in south Alabama. Yeah.
Fuck.
Expect lots of bitchy rants over the next little while.
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