Ritual

Slow, deep breaths.
Smudge the space.
Clear myself of you

Lay out the altar
Tools of my trade. Aids of my soul. 
God figure. Father, protect me from my own heart.
Goddess. Mother, heal my aching soul.
Stone for Earth. Earth, teach me strength to walk away.
Incense for Air. Air, clear me of desire for you.
Candle for Fire. Fire, burn away this pain & desire.
Shell for Water. Water, wash away my pain.
A drop of blood for Spirit. Let it all come out in this drop and be gone from me.

Walk the circle. Knife of bone and stone.
Here is boundary between Outer and Inner. 
Here is the line between you and me. 
Here is where I set the barrier: only enter, what I seek.

As Above, So Below.
The Six Sacred Directions, hear my plea. Accept my offering of tobacco
Ancestors, share your  wisdom. Accept my offering of cornmeal. 
Little People, take my honey and pay no tricks on my head or my heart. 

Stand, and face the Moon.
Mother, heal me. Cleanse me of the desire for that which harms me. 
Turn, face the setting Sun.
Father, protect me. Shield me from that which would harm me. 

Feel the Earth beneath my feet.
Caress the Wind that stroke my body.
Soak in the Heat the touches my skin.
Feel the Water droplets on the grass on my legs.

Heal me, Shield me, Help me. 
It hurts. 
Give me strength to walk away. Guide my steps along the right Path. Help me not to stray from it. 
Ease my aching heart when I am tempted to turn back. 
Give me the strength, and the courage, to go on where I should. 

Sink to the ground, let the earth heal me. Let it strengthen me.
Cry. Let the tears purge me. Fire and water, burning droplets. Stretch out on the earth and soak in Her presence, feel the air's caress like a comforting touch.

And after a small eternity, stand renewed and strengthened.

Thank you, Mother. 
Thank you, Father.
Thannk you, Earth. 
Thank you, Air. 
Thank you, Water. 
Thank you, Fire. 
Thank you, Spirit.
Thank you, Six Sacred Directions.
Thank you, Ancestors. 
Thank you, Little People. 

Thank you, strong heart for healing. 
Thank you, strong feet for walking. 
Thank you, strong eyes for crying.
Thank you, strong hands for crafting ritual. 
Thank you, strong voice for speaking our pain. 
Thank you, Self, for strength and love. 

Close the Circle.
Carry the joy into your life.

My men

I'm thinking of old memories tonight, old lovers and yes new ones, too.

I'm thinking of the scent of Wolf's hands on my skin, and the way that Lucivar's eyes look when he touches me.

I'm thinking of the sweet-sharp ache that they both leave in my heart without ever realizing it.

I'm thinking about the men I love tonight, and about the ones whom I've let go. I'm thinking about the Ranger, who never knew the difference he made in my life, and about Fox, my erstwhile brother whom I will likely never see again.

I'm thinking tonight, thinking about that ache in my heart and what makes it worthwhile. Thinking about the warm circle of safety that my Jack's arms create around me, and about the gleeful evil in USB's eyes.

Goddess of Light and Darkness, I love these men in my life. I love the depth of surrender in Kat's eyes before I punished him that night, and the overflowing love in Joseph's the morning I made him his birthday cake.

I love these men who love me, who hurt me, who heal me, who leave me and who stay with me.

I'm thinking of the depth of Nevoc's trust in me, and the despair on Devilpup's face before he left.

I am thinking of my men, and those who aren't my men anymore.

I am thinking of the sweet-sharp ache in my heart, and of those who put it there, whether witting or un-.

Missing

I am missing the taste of his skin. The smooth planes of his shoulders, and the rough whorls of his elbows. 

I am missing the shape of his hands, and the way that he smiles, almost shyly, when I touch him. 

I have this image in my head, of one of the last lunches in my car. Of him twisting his neck to look at me, almost over his shoulder, his smile shy and hesitant, and his eyes green and tender. 

I am missing him. 

Zhai'helleva

Kat and I said goodbye tonight. 

Actually, it was close to zhai'helleva than goodbye. 'Goodbye,' is a shorter version of "God be with ye," and in our culture it indicates an ending. A leaving. 

Zhai'helleva, however, is a phrase from Mercedes Lackey (shut up, I'm a fantasy buff. Deal) which means, "Wind to thy wings." It acknowledges the parting, but focuses not on the leave-taking, but on the hope of good fortune for your companion. 

It means that the parting is irrelevant, only the people and the emotions matter. 

Kat was my first submissive, and I cannot tell you how much that he taught me. He gave me a confidence in my own dominance that I could not have started this blog you're reading, or many of my other myriad projects, without. 

In many ways, he taught me my own dominance. It was his deferential smile and hopeful offer of a footrub which propelled me into the world of public kink and true polyamory. He taught me what I can handle as a dominant (not just a Top), and what I can't. He taught me so much, and I will always be grateful to him.

But I do not have room in my life right now for that responsiblity, and he deserves better than that. Also, he is developing a budding relationship with a lovely woman, and his loyalty and interest is rightly situated there. 

So tonight we sat down, and we agreed that it was time to part ways, and that we had been huge, wonderful influences in one another's lives. 

Zhai'helleva, my katzelein.

Full Moon

Last night, at Terry and Lucivar's, I spent the Full Moon in their hot tub.
Terry was at a meeting, so it was Jack, Lucivar, and I in the hot tub.

I sat opposite the boys, and just to prove to me how incredibly wonderful my life is, and the men in it are, they each took a foot and started rubbing.

Ok, they may have had different motivation, but that's how I took it.

I sat buoyed in hot water (salt, so it didn't even reek of chlorine!), my head cradled by the back of the tub, staring at the incandescent moon glowing like silver sun through the pine trees, while two beautiful men rubbed my feet.

Really, my life is absolutely fucking amazing. And I mean really fucking amazing.

Later, Terry joined us, and we all sat around in the hot water and chatted for a while.

Rambling thoughts on responsibility and poly

Disclaimer: No, there's not a damn thing wrong. I'm having an absolutely amazing time at DomCon, including meeting the lovely Bunny (Lucivar's work-girlfriend), and the room arrangements are working out better than I could ever have hoped for. Jack and I had an absolutely wonderful time co-Topping Lucivar, and Kat is his usual wonderful self- seriously, I'm having a wonderful time, I'm just being hormonal so deal with it. It's my blog and I can whine if I want to.

I'm so tired. Goddess help me, I'm so fucking tired. I'm tired of all of it. But mostly, I'm tired of being needed, of being the responsible one. I'm sick of being the one who gets th ebills paid, who reserves the hotel room. I'm tired of being the one who makes the lists and ensures the pets get fed.

I'm so tired of being the one people need.

I need, just for a little while, to be with someone who doesn't need me. For whom there's nothing going on but the touch of warm skin. Someone who I can trust to take care of me- someone I can be safe needing, without them needing me back.
Actually, it's not that. It just that I've been the one in charge, the one responsible for too long. I just want to run away for a little while, to hide against somoene stronger than me. I need to not be the strong one. Problem is, I don't know many people who fit that bill.

I need, just for a little while, someone to be stronger than me because I need them to let me be weak. To let me give the responsibility to them. Just for a little while. I'll take it back, I promise.

But Kali's skirt, I'm so fucking tired.

Please, can I just hide against you for a little while? Just relax, just pretend for a little while that I don't have any responsibilities?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you knew that you would die today
Saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannnot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?

This song feels really poignant for me right now, for some reason. Yesterday, I talked to Wolf for a long time about poly.
Specifically, about the fact that we'll never be together again because I am poly and he is possessive. Those are simply facts of life, like saying that he is male and I am female.

He kept going on and on about how it was a choice I had made to live this way, and it was hard to explain to him that I do not choose to be poly anymore than I choose to be bi. I could choose to never act on it, but I would still naturally be poly, and it would no more feel right or fulfilling to me than a straight marriage feels to a gay man. Sure, it's a choice, insofar as acting the only way that you can and still be happy is a choice. So this song is especially poignant right now, as I struggle with some guilt for not being what Wolf wants me to be. I can't be. Not and be happy. I love him, but eventually, I would come to resent him and be angry and we would lose not only our relationship but the friendship that is so precious to me.

So I think about this song, "Would you change?"
No, actually.
"If you knew that you would die today, saw the face of God and love, would you change?"
No. No, I really wouldn't.
Because I love who I am and what I do. Because I love the people in my life, even when I want to strangle them for the very fact that they are in my life.
I love my boys, all of them. I love my life, when a night in the quiet room reading a book is more novel than a night at a fetish club during a major BDSM convention.

"If you knew that love would break your heart, if you're down so low you cannot fall, would you change?"
I wouldn't change because I have been there. Love has broken my heart- loving Wolf, actually- and you know what? I healed. Sure, there are scars, but scars are marks of valor. They're signs you've lived your life.
I've been there. I've been down so low I could not fall. I have had times when I did not know where my next meal would come from, times I gave very serious thought to suicide and even worked out the best way to do it and spare my loved ones as much pain as possible.
But I healed. I healed, and I built this life I love.
I wouldn't change, because not only do I love my life, but I feel like I'm living the best life that I can. I tell my boys, all of them, damn near every day how much I love them. I try hard to make damned sure that my loved ones know how much they mean to me, how important they are to me.
I work hard and I play hard. I volunteer with the Red Cross, I recycle, I'm active in my UU church and do more than most, quite frankly, to make my world a better place.
And most importantly to me, I work hard to make the people in my life's lives better for my having been in it.

Sure, there are things I could do better. I'm lazy, and I'm self-absorbed. I'm selfish, and I take things for granted. I am the last person on Earth who will say that I'm perfect- because I'm not. Nowhere fucking near it.

But I'm not half bad, and I think I'm doing pretty damn close to the best that I can.

Wolf

Wolf and I talked tonight. Like, for a while.

We talked about our past. We talked about that vague, nagging hope that we both have for a future together.

Wolf : Hugs. Thinking of you. Kisses.
Me: *tight hugs* I've been thinking about you all day. How are you love?
Wolf: Miss you bunches.
Me: Miss you too. I'm feeling really strangely vulnerable tonight and I'd give a hell of a lot to curl up against you
Me: You make me feel safe, and I'm kinda really wanting that right now
Wolf: I'll always do my best to keep you safe.
Me: I know, love, and that's one of the reasons it's you I'm craving right now
Wolf: You always bring out a possesive protective animal side of me
Me: *nods* Do you remember that I told you once that you make me want to both roll over and show you my belly, offer you my throat
Me: And at the same time sink my teeth into yours and claim you as mine
Wolf: Makes me want to hold you and take you all in the same breath.
Me: *nods* Exactly
Wolf: Not sure what to feel/do. I have so many mixed feelings
Wolf: I want you to make your decisions. And live your life as you want it to be.
Me: Which is admirable, but how can I make a decision without it being an informed decision?
Wolf: I don't want to influence your decisions.
Wolf: I want them to be yours
Me: Wolf, you've been influencing my decisions for nearly 10 years. What makes you think that will change now?
Wolf: You know how I feel.
Wolf: And what I want.
Wolf: But I'm not going to push you either way
Me: *nods* I do know. But there's more than loving and wanting to anything. And other than that loving and wanting, I don't know what's going on in your head
Wolf: I've made mistakes with you in the past. I'm trying not to do it again. I do care. Way more than I should. More than is probably good.
Me : *tight hugs* We've both made mistakes. Your mistake wasn't pushing me, it was pushing me away. Don't ever be afraid of pushing me in regards to how you feel.
Wolf: But I wouldn't change how I feel even if I could.
Me: *smiles* Good, because neither would I
Wolf: I'm trying not to let myself get scared and push you away again.
Me: I know. And you have no idea how much I appreciate it. You really don't. The way you've let yourself be open to me has been.... incredible. I don't know the words for how much it's meant to me
Me: this just came on my pandora and made me think of you: Tracy Chapman "Baby Can I Hold You"

One of the things that killed us 7 years ago was his inability to open up to me. I felt vulnerable, but in an unpleasantly one-sided way. I was completely transparent to him, to use the D/s buzzword, but he was utterly opaque to me. So I took that the way that any 17 year old would: obviously, he didn’t care enough to talk to me. It never occurred to me that maybe he was as terrified as I was. It never occurred to me that maybe he was scared and hurting, too. After all, he had gone to great lengths to portray himself as strong and in control and confident.

Give me a break. I was 17 and I worshipped him. I didn’t know any better.

Now, I look at him, at us, at what we used to be, and what we have been, and could have been, and could still be, and I wonder. I wonder if maybe we could do it right this time.
And then that cynical side of me raises her pragmatic head, and I wonder how he’d handle me cutting Lucivar’s chest and licking the blood from the wound. And I wonder how he’d handle my sleeping wrapped around Kat and him kneeling before me. I wonder what that possessive animal side of him would think of me coming home with someone else’s scent rubbed into my skin.

And that’s when I sigh and realize that I doubt I will ever have him again.

The joy of poly

So DomCon is coming up. Rapidly.
I'm looking forward to it- a lot- but I'm also a little scared.

Jack and Kat are both great guys. They also both have some possessiveness about me. I don't know if either of them actually realizes it consciously, but I do, and they see it in one another. Among other little, amusing/frustrating things, they both have this possessive touching thing going on when around one another. As in, if I'm in the same room with the two of them, whoever I'm closest to has to be touching me, usually in small, possessive ways. It'd be funny if it weren't so frustrating.
Like I said, they're both great guys. They both, consciously, understand the others' claim to me and respect it. But instinct is not so rational, and neither of my men are poly by nature. This is hard for them, and I respect that.

And yet, fucking emotional masochist that I am, I booked a hotel room at DomCon for all of us. Jack, Kat, Lucivar, and me.
What the fuck was I thinking?!

I'm not real bright sometimes :)

Random vignettes from the weekend pt 2

"Strip," I told him.

He'd fucked up. He'd managed to irritate me, and that's hard. He ignored what I told him, and it was going to cause me consequences.
He does that so very rarely that my response is always divided- part of me wants to forgive him because it's so rare and just not get angry with him.
The other part wants to beat the everloving shit out of him to ensure it stays so very rare.
Balance. I try to stay in the middle.

I looked him over- he really is beautiful, my Kat. His workouts have a very nice effect, and his body is a pleasure to look at. I love the broad shoulders, the thick muscles of his chest with his hair trimmed to just enough to tug on, the planes of his belly and strength of his legs. And he has an adorable ass. But tonight I was tired, and still a little pissed, and I wanted this over with so I could go to bed.
"Over my lap."
He obeyed, and just for a moment I enjoyed the sensation of his weight across my legs, balanced across my thighs, stroking his thighs and ass idly. "How many do you think you deserve for ignoring what I told you over and over?" My voice was soft, but I could hear the thread of anger still in it, and from the way he tensed I know he did, too.
I like asking him these questions. He knows that the rubber loop paddle is my punishment toy- he hates it, it's too much for him to process with anything like pleasure. So I'm curious what he'll answer.

"20, Ma'am."

My eyebrows rise, and I know he can feel my surprise. His voice is absolutely miserable, and as I process this- his misery and guilt and the desire to atone for his mistake. His willingness to take this pain he hates for me, I feel myself melt. The last of my anger slips away.
I love this man.

"You're feeling brave tonight." The words are a mild test. I know how he meant it, and it's got nothing to do with the usual idea of bravery. It has everything to do with courage, though. Real courage.

"I deserve it, Ma'am." His voice is still so rough, still so full of misery.
I almost want to suspend the punishment, wrap him in my arms. He is such a good boy for me.

I tell him this. Tell him that I'm proud of him. I don't even remember what I said, I spoke with my hands and my body and the tenderness in my voice.

And then I picked up the paddle. "15," I told him. "5 less, for being so good for me."
And then I brought it down.
He sucked in his breath and his body tensed. He hates it, and I'm glad. I want this never to happen again, but I know it will because he's human and I'm human and we fuck up.
I bring it down again, fast, multiple blows and he's counting for me, "2, 3, 4, 5! Ma'am"
I stop every few blows and rub the marks I've made. He's gritting his teeth and shaking his head and I bring it down again and he's counting for me and I love him so much right this moment.
To suffer like this for me, there is a divinity to it.
I stop at 14 and rub his back. He's shaking a little, and I warn him. "This last one is going to hurt like a sonuvabitch," and just as he nods I bring it down again, all the force in my arm this time.
He makes a sound like a stifled howl and I lean into him, press his cheek to mine and whisper to him how good he is, how proud of him I am, how much I love him. I tell him it's over, that he's not to think of it again and he is making small sounds and pressing into my hand and my cheek and when I kiss him his eyes are shiny.

I play with him for a bit after that, other random toys in my bag and while I love it, while it's fun as always, I'm still shaking inside from how beautiful he is as he hurts for me.
Goddess, I love this man.

Defining 'sex'

So lately I’ve been thinking a lot about sex, and definitions of sex. Jack and I have been having to define it very carefully, as we slowly explore polyamory together. Since I have another partner (Kat), and he doesn’t, this means that our definitions are a little one-sided right now. Personally, I am open poly by nature: once we find him a girl he’s welcome to fuck her seven ways to Sunday. However, when we got together 2 years ago, his response to the idea of poly was, “Why would anyone want to do that?” so I’m not pushing his limits too much.

Pushing limits is fun. Breaking them is not.

So right now, we’re working on defining sex. Relatively obviously, cock + pussy = sex. I personally also define anal and oral sex as- imagine it- sex! But here’s where we get tricky: my seeing him masturbate, sex? Him seeing me (a very special treat, which he has not earned yet regardless of how we define it)? What about my just playing with his cock? Torturing it? His nudity? My nudity?

Where is the line of “sex” drawn? I know where it’s drawn for me. When something other than my own hand/tool in my hand penetrates me, or my hand is on his cock with intention of his cumming, then it’s sex for me. But I know that those are well into the territory that Jack sees as sex, so where does he draw the line?

It’s amazing how hard it is to get even someone as comfortable with their sexuality as Jack is to really talk/think about that. He keeps shying away from it, asking me to talk to him before any time I might go farther. Um, to quote my father (as strange as that is to do in my kink blog!): “Sounds good on paper”. In reality, it’s kind of difficult to interrupt a scene to call him (and he never answers the phone on the first try!) and ask, “So, honey, I’ve got Kat tied up and I’m cropping his front, mind if I wrap my hand around his cock to better brace it while I crop it?”

Riiiiiggghhht. That’s gonna happen.

So we’ve pretty much settled into this: I come up with scenarios I think might end up happening, then ask him what he thinks about them. If they’re too far outside his limits, we discuss ways they could be tweaked to make him more comfortable. It’s imperfect, but it works.

“So honey, I was thinking about putting mini clothespins all over Kat’s ballsac…”

Apologies

So right after I complained about Ahela, the fucker goes and admits he fucked up.

The conversation went a little like this:
Me: Yeah, I have to go pick up my bike. She's been gone for 9 weeks now.
A: Wow, I'm sure that's been unpleasant.
Me: Considering that she is my primary source of stress relief outside of D/s... yeah.
A: Oh wow, I'm sure.
Me: And when you throw in the distinct possibility of Jack and I breaking up, with all of my usual sources of support gone, it's been... unpleasant.
A: Oh wow, I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Me: Shall I let my hurt and anger answer and say that you didn't want to know, or shall I let my love for you answer and say that you had issues of your own?
A: I'm not really sure, honestly.
Me: Neither am I. I came very close to cutting communications with you.
A: I can understand that.
Me: You make it very hard to be angry with you, you know that?
A: How do you mean?
Me: It's hard to be angry with someone admitting I have a right to be angry with them.
A: Well, I certainly can't deny it.
Me: Most would try.
A: I'm not most.
Me: This is very true. And it was even harder to say anything after your comment about my bring 'needy', and then you flat-out saying you had no interest in anything D/s-related.
A: I can absolutely see that.

It's not fixed. My sub side still isn't sure she/I/we can trust him to be there for her/me/us, but it's nice to have my friend back.

Rights and responsibilities

I talked to A again today.
I'm at the point emotionally where I feel like making up with him is the lesser of two evils- the greater one being having major issues with 2 of my 3 men, and the 3rd being too far away to lean on as I'd need and having too much on his own plate.

I'm still angry. Still hurt and betrayed. But I'm trying to get past it enough to talk to him because I can't afford to isolate myself right now, even for long-term good.

It's gotten me thinking, though. Where does one's responsibility to their submissive begin and end?
I tend to take the overly repsonsible route, I know that.
My ex-girlfriend, who subbed to me a bit and is still a good friend, is newly single and it's been really messing with her self-esteem. So she's been talking to me a lot, and I feel a responsbility to be there for her even when I don't feel like it. Even when I'm tired and cranky, I feel a responsibility to talk to her and reassure her.
My femsub- yes, the straight, 'nilla one- is extremely needy. It drives me nuts. I hate it. But when she's honestly having trouble, even when I'm in the middle of my deepest, darkest, "everyone fucking leave me alone" depression, I feel a responsibility to talk to her and help her.
It's the same with Kat, although less extreme because he's, well, less needy. An example would be at DragonCon- we had both had an incredibly difficult day, and things just kept going downhill. And both our stress levels just built, and built, and built until he finally burst out that he was so sorry that all of this was going on, and it was his fault, etc etc.
And all of my irritation just drained away, and was replaced with a warm affection for him. I made him come to me, and I put my arms around him and told him that I was rather pleased that all of this had happened because we wouldn't have much time together at D*C and I was glad that circumstances had forced this time together.

And yet, A decided about a month ago, maybe as much as 6 weeks now, that he was in a 'vanilla mode' and 'probably wouldn't be there long' but during that time he had absolutely no interest in anything kink-related and didn't want to even discuss submission with me.
In other words, he had no intention of meeting my needs- or for a few weeks there, even talking to me- despite knowing that getting badly out of balance has really nasty effects on my emotional stability.

Where does my responsibility as a dominant begin and end?
When I'm depressed and hurting myself, do I still have a responsibility to meet my submissives' needs?
Where does A's to me begin and end?
When he is in a mode that all things kink are uninteresting to him, does he still have a responsibility to help me meet my needs for submission?

I told Kat once that he as my submissive has a responsibility to me to tell me what his needs are- I'm not psychic, ok?- and that I have a responsibility to meet those needs. And if I can't meet those needs for some reason, then I have a responsibility to help him find another way to meet them.
Am I just overly obsessed with this concept?

Your thoughts, please?

Newsflash:

Figuring out how to make polyamory work, especially with a partner who has always been monogamous and is extremely antisocial, is fucking hard, and frequently heart-wrenching.
/run-on sentence newsflash

So fucking lucky

I just have to say it again: I'm so incredibly lucky.

I attended Dragon*Con with Kat last weekend. Now, for those who don't know me, let me be frank: I suck at taking care of myself. Seriously.
I don't remember to eat for days at a time, I never drink enough water, I am more concerned about taking care of everyone else than getting any sleep, and GODS FORBID I remember to clean out my new belly piercing.
And for those who know anything about Dragon*Con, well, you know that that's a place where it's especially easy to forget to do those things. I was pretty much assuming I'd put myself in the hospital by the end of it.
What I hadn't reckoned on was Kat.
I recently referred to submissive men as superheroes. He is my inspiration for that. He ensured that I ate several times a day, reminded me to clean out my piercing, gently shepherded me to bed when I was reeling from exhaustion, and constantly supplied me with water.
You have no idea how hard that was! I'll be honest, I'm a pain in the ass. When I go longer than a few hours without eating and my blood sugar is low, I actively resist eating (I so fail at self-preservation). When I'm exhausted, I get punchy and bitchy and just plain nasty to anyone who suggests I go to bed. I'm a massive pain in the ass, and I don't mean in fun and kinky ways.

And yet somehow, without ever losing his submission, Kat chivvied me to bed when I needed it, convinced me to eat when necessary, even got me to drink water.

Baby, I don't know how you did it, but I'm so incredibly grateful that you did, and reminded all over again how lucky I am to have you in my life.

An experiment

So I've decided that I'm going to think of this imbalance between my Top and bottom sides as a social experiment.

How does being this out of balance with one side effect the other?
I'm a switch, I've mentioned it before. If I dont get both sides filled enough, I'm not a happy camper. But I've never gone very long without them both, so I've never gotten to find this out.

Will I lose all interest and go 'nilla for a while?
Will I turn into a raging psycho-bitch with my Top side?
Will I just get depressed and lose interest in sexual things entirely?

Since I don't see a way to prevent this imbalance right now (Fucking YAY for not having a Top I trust around right now!), I might as well see what I can learn from it.

Effects so far: (almost 3 weeks since I've had good submissive headspace)
~increased grumpiness in general, probably due to my anger level at A
~increased sadism level in my Top side
~decreased ability to orgasm
~decreased interest in sex in general
~random insane mood swings

Well this s certainly going to get interesting. It's probably a good thing I won't be seeing Kat for a while...

The men in my life, or, switching and balance

I'm a poly switch. I play on both sides of the whip, and they're both important to me. I crave both sides, need both sides.

I have an amazing partner. Jack. He is 'nilla kinky, and monogamous by nature, but has been incredibly supportive of my other partnerships. He is the other half of my life, I don't know that I could get by without him- not merely physically, but emotionally. It's silly and melodramatic to say that he is the other half of me, but it's not very far off. He has been there for me through some of the worst things in my life- and that's rather impressive as I've lived a pretty active life. I may love my other partners, but he is the one I think of when I think of 'home'.

I have an absolutely darling submissive, Kat, whom I adore. I am not what he is looking for long-term, and we both know that, but in the meantime it meets both of our needs. I love him. I love him with a deep, abiding, possessive passion. He is my first submissive, and he has taught me more than he knows. I love him for that as much as I love him for himself. Just being around him makes me incredibly happy.

I also have a dominant, A. We met online, and our play stays there. His relationship and distance from me don't allow for us to play in person, which is actually how it became okay with my partner. That was our first foray into the world of poly- A was my first dominant, and one day when I craving subbing, I found myself flirting with him. He called me on it, and I told Jack and apologized. His response shocked me: he told me that as long as it stayed long-distance, he didn't mind because my kink needs were stronger than his and he wanted me to be happy.

I have to have both sides of myself assuaged, or I get out of balance and unhappy. If I spend too much time without dominant headspace, I get itchy and bratty, and crave dominating. If I spend too much time without submissive headspace, I get cranky and have trouble focusing on anything involving dominance.
Given that it's not unusual for A to get busy, or side-tracked, and for me not to get submissive time in, that's kinda a problem...
It would be fine, except that I talk to Kat nearly every day, and visit him quite often. In other words, I get lots of Toppy time in. And I love it, Blessed Mother don't get me wrong, I LOVE it. When he is kneeling in front of me my whole body goes hot and cold and I just start drooling in pleasure.
But the longer I go without submissive headspace, the harder it is to get into a good Dominant space OR a submissive space. I have to really be pushed into submission, which most people aren't capable of doing. So I end up in a simmeringly resentful vanilla mode. Which really isn't fair to Kat, not to mention me.

So, obviously, I need to go and sub to someone! Gee, why didn't I think of that?
Oh, wait- I did.
There's one little kink in that plan (pun intended).
I have Jack's agreement to sub to two people, well three.
One is him, but I've been having a lot of trouble with that even before he got sick, and he's not able to push me into submission the way I need when I'm feeling like this.
Another is A, but A's in some weird vanilla mode and hasn't felt like playing in several weeks. See Bella's resentment level spike.
And the third lives in NY. Please note that I live in south Alabama. Yeah.
Fuck.

Expect lots of bitchy rants over the next little while.