In Praise of the Vulnerable Man

This is just made me cry.
This is my husband. This is my Rush. This is my Mate, who is not afraid to cry in my arms.
This is the man I love, whose strength to be vulnerable allows me to give the same to him.
This man who trusts me enough to be vulnerable, is the man in whose arms I can be.

You are the bravest man I’ve ever met 
You unreluctant at treacherous ledge 

You are the sexiest man I’ve ever been with 
You, never hotter than with armor spent 

When you do what you do to provide 
How you land in the soft as you fortify 

This is in praise of the vulnerable man 
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home 

You, with your eyes mix strength with abandon 
You with your new kind of heroism 

And I bow and I bow down to you 
To the grace that it takes to melt on through 

This is in praise of the vulnerable man 
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home 
This is a thank you for letting me in 
Indeed in praise of the vulnerable man 

You are the greatest man I’ve ever met 
You the stealth setter of new precedents 

And I vow and I vow to be true 
And I vow and I vow to not take advantage 

This is in praise of the vulnerable man 
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home 
This is a thank you for letting me in 
Indeed in praise of the vulnerable man

I love you. I trust you because you trust me.
You are my safety because you understand the courage it takes to bare your soul. 

Setting Fire to the Rain

Last night, in the cool darkness of the car as Rush and I sped toward home, we talked.
Listening to Adele, listening to "Set Fire to the Rain," and the plaintive, bluesy lament of her knees too weak to stand in your arms.
I am reminded, with painful, heart-squeezing suddenness, of the last time I held you within my body.

Never before, and never since, have I been so willing to walk through fire for someone. Never before, never since, have I loved with so much passion and so little reason.

Memories:
The scent of you: hot metal and cigarettes and spicy musky arousal.
Your bedroom, with the rainbow fan left over from some long-ago child  moving the hot hair over our bodies as we lay spent in one another's arms.

My body moving over yours, stretching gorgeous fullness of you inside of me. My thighs tireless from constant horseback riding, riding you, moving you in and out of me with the rhythm I have only in horses and sex.
Your dark hands on my breasts and my little gasps and whimpers. Looking down, still learning to enjoy sex as pleasure, not pain, revelling in the sight of your body moving inside of mine. Your voice, a chocolatey chuckle, "You like seeing me inside of you, don't you?" My flushing, stammering reply... 17 and still so innocent, so shy, despite the worldliness I claimed. "Yes...."
Your low voice, telling me to bring myself- to cum for you.
Leaning back a litte, aching with fullness, your hands on my breasts, twisting spirals of pleasure from my nipples fluttering to add to the heat in my groin. My fingers finding my clit, shy at first- I am still too nervous  to share this often- small circles while you move against me until the pleasure grows, spills through me in shivering waves and low moans as I spasm against you. The deeply masculine satisfaction on your face as you pin my gaze with yours even as I shudder and whimper against you.
Your hands tightening on me, flipping me until I am beneath you, pinned, a little breathless from the aftermath of my orgasm and the adrenaline of the sudden movement. Your body pounding harder into mine, you willing now to take your pleasure and my body arching to meet you, hips matching your pace with greedy hands and mouth on your heated body.
Feeling you tighten inside of me, tighten against me, my body responding instinctively to the promise of pleasure and spasming around you again as you finally spill yourself inside of me, the mini-orgasm of my lover's orgasm dragging my nails into your shoulders.
After: your hands idly tracing my body. Poessession and pride and pleasure in your touch. Little ticklish wriggles and soft moans as I lie spent and sated against you.


A flood of memories now:
Taste of mango dropping down my hand as I sucked my fingers clean and licked the juices up, your eyes watching me as I suck each finger clean individually, thoroughly.
Moments later, your cock in my mouth, satisfaction of your low groans. Silky hard ridge of your cockhead under my tongue. Choking pleasure of taking every inch of you in- still inexperienced at it but so eager to learn, so eager to please you.
Later still, the movie forgotten, dusty scent of your couch and the tickling of your hair against my thighs, the heat of your mouth between my legs. The whimpering arching sharpness of your teeth lightly teasing my clit, your tongue lathing it gently afterwards until I arch and moan and grind into you begging wordlessly for more.

Your car, late at night. Church parking lot, ancient graveyard behind us.
The taste of you filling my senses, neck sore from sucking you but I don't care- I just want this. Shiver down my spine from the location, your hand on my neck, heat easing the muscles even as you press me further onto you. My low humming moan against your balls and your complementary shiver.

Rushing adrenalinefearjoy riding behind you, eyes closed in refusal to see the speedometer and tangible expression of trust in you. Smell of leather even over the rushing wind, arms right around you. Humming motor between my legs, tight press against you. Exhilaration of riding a motorcycle again- no knowledge yet of the greater joy of riding my own- with someone I love.

The last days:
Curled against you for what I didn't know was the last time. Your body wrapped warm and safe around mine. No, you were not safe anymore and I knew it. I was not 17 anymore, not naive anymore, and there was more pain and anger and bitter rage between us than there ever had been love. Your hands in my hair, your fingertips on my skin, and the mingled joyregretneedhoperagelove of every single moment I think about you.

I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak,
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

But there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing is better

'Cause there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you'd say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you'd play
You would always win, always win.

But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
When it fell, something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!

Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you.

I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames
When it fell, something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, ohhhh!

Oh noooo
Let it burn, oh
Let it burn
Let it burn

Numb

I feel smothered and encumbered and defeated and drawn
Disappointed, over-extended and frustrated and shaken
This over-giving , over-loving, this care taking goes on
With no chance of intermission.
I'll be checked out, I'll be gone

Have to remove myself from sensation

Here comes the feeling
I run from the feeling and reach for the drug
Can't sit with this feeling
I'd rather be flying and comfortably numb

I feel anxious, I am nervous, I am bored
I'm overwhelmed, rather be out of my gourd

Have to remove myself from sensation

Here comes the feeling
I run from the feeling and reach for the drug
Can't sit with this feeling
I'd rather be flying and comfortably numb

I am lonely, I feel hungry and unloved
I feel angry, I am livid, need a hug

Here comes the feeling
I run from the feeling and reach for the drug
Can't sit with this feeling
I'd rather be flying and comfortably numb

The last few weeks

Phone rings baby cries TV diet guru lies
Good morning honey
Go to work make up try to keep the balance up
Between love and money
She used to tie her hair up in ribbons and bows
Sign her letters with X's and O's
Got a picture of her mama in heels and pearls
She's tryin' to make it in her daddy's world
She's an American girl
An American girl

Slow dance second chance mama needs romance
And an live-in maid
Fix the sink mow the yard really isn't all that hard
If you get paid
he used to tie her hair up in ribbons and bows
Sign her letters with X's and O's
Got a picture of her mama in heels and pearls
She's tryin' to make it in her daddy's world
She's an American girl
An American girl

Well she's got her God and she's got good wine
Aretha Franklin and Patsy Cline

She used to tie her hair up in ribbons and bows
Sign her letters with X's and O's
Got a picture of her mama in heels and pearls
She's tryin' to make it in her daddy's world
She's an American girl
An American girl
She's an American girl

Good morning, beautiful

It is morning, in your bed and sunshine is streaming in through the window. I can only think blearily that it was supposed to rain today...

You are wrapped around me, a clinging liana vine boy, your naked body pressed tightly to mine. I free my arm slowly and stroke your hair while you blink at me in sleepy confusion. Are we waking up? Am I just petting you?

Good morning, beautiful

How was your night?

Mine was wonderful with you by my side...

I cannot help it, love for you is swelling up in me, and I pull you in closer to me, draw your heavy head to my breast and lay it there while you wrap yourself around my supine warmth. Your fingers are stroking my neck, your toes moving along my bare legs, and we are warm and soft and drowsily aroused together.

When I open up my eyes and see your sweet face

It's a good morning, beautiful, day...

This.... this is what I love, you wrapped around me: your warmth sinking into me, fingers brushing the little hairs on my arms and your cock drowsily aroused against my hip as your lips press into my neck from habit as much as desire.

Good morning, beautiful

Sober

Last night, as we were lying in bed, Jack was listening to music- "Tool," actually. "Sober," specifically.

A man sang it to me once, 6 and a half years ago, sitting in my little green Volvo on a cold winter's night.

There's a shadow just behind me

Shrouding every step I take

Making every promise empty

Pointing every finger at me

Joseph.

I bonded him out of jail, at a cost I don't like to contemplate now.

I brought him into my home, into the apartment I'd secured.

I sat beside him in court, and I held his hand. I promised him that I would keep him safe.

Jesus, won't you fucking whistle

Something but what's past and done?

Jesus, won't you fucking whistle

Something but what's past and done?

On his 34th birthday, I made him a birthday cake- butter recipe yellow with homemade chocolate frosting. The same cake I'd made for my own recent 18th birthday.

The day I bonded him out of jail, he walked into the restaurant where we worked, straight back into the kitchen. He wrapped his arms around me and lifted me off the ground, exclaiming, "Baby! You have no idea how much I love you right now!"

I had just signed on his $15,000 bond, and he'd promised me that he wouldn't leave.

I am just a worthless liar

I am just an imbecile

I will only complicate you

Trust in me and fall as well

I remember the night that the man OD'd in our complex. Fox, my brother, had seen him first, but Joseph was the first one to run down. He cared for the man until the ambulance that we called arrived. Afterwards, we went to Waffle House.

He told me that he was a cocaine addict. He never lied to me about that- he told me that he never forgot about it, never stopped craving it.

I will find a center in you

I will chew it up and leave

I will work to elevate you

Just enough to bring you down

I remember the last night that I saw him, although I hadn't known then that it would be. He took me out on the motorcycle which he and my brother shared- my brother also lived with us, and I was supporting them both- to the Botanical Gardens, and we talked there for hours.

He told me that I needed to stop trying to be so much of an adult, that I needed to lighten up and be young. I remember laughing bitterly, thinking that I was the only one contributing to my little household, and if I wasn't an adult then who would be? He told me a lot of things, but I don't remember most of them.

But I remember him telling me that I was beautiful, and that I was too young to try to be so old.

Trust me

Trust me

Trust me

Trust me

Trust me

Last night, I listened to, "Sober," and I cried. I saw his laughing black eyes, remembered the taste of the ceviche he made for me. I remembered the heat of his skin as he slept beside me, and picture of his daughter he'd kept on the mirror in our apartment's bathroom. I remembered the scent of his leather jacket when I wore it to school because I didn't have another one, and the look on his face when I presented him with his birthday cake. I felt his hand smacking my butt as he and my brother taught me to wait tables, and remembered the bitterness in his eyes when our manager fired him for being arrested and missing 3 weeks of work.

I remember the night that I realized that he was gone. The night that I realized that he wasn't coming back, that he had left and left me with a $15,000 bail bond hanging over my head. I remember how long that I cried, the detectives showing up at my door early in the morning int he hopes that they would find him sleepy and tousled in my bed. I remember how angry that I was, how betrayed. I remember my brother asking me if I'd really expected him to stay, and his look of shock when I replied simply, "He promised."

Why can't we not be sober?

I just want to start this over

Why can't we sleep forever?

I just want to start this over

Morning Song

Another day has almost come and gone
Cant imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes Id like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war

(cause)Tomorrows another day
And Im thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

Its almost like the hard times circle round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but Im not dead
Tomorrows another day
And Im thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

Im not gonna let it get me down
Im not gonna cry
And Im not gonna lose any sleep tonight

-Jo Dee Messina "Bring on the Rain"


I woke up this morning feeling a bit down, and very overwhelmed.
But I'm stubborn, and this was the first song to come on my media player this morning, which made me smile a little. It's a melancholy song, but it suits my moods quite well, acknowledging my mood without giving in to it.

So I made Thai Tea Blend (thank you, Terry, for introducing us to it- we're both hooked on it), and huevos rancheros, then actually cleaned up the kitchen a bit, and managed to get Jack's last transcript request faxed off before class.

Then, in a burst of Universal kindness, I checked with Lucivar about whether he and Terry are soming down this weekend and they are!
See Bella grinning like an idiot in the middle of Religions class. Vatican Council policies don't stand a chance.

Oh yeah, and I found crockpot jam/jelly recipes and another box of bread mix. Fucking awesome! I know what we'll be having for breakfast this weekend!

Starlight

From one of my dearest friends, whose birthday is today. Thank you.

"Starlight"

The Wailin' Jennys

I have come back to you broken

take me home

And my body bears this trouble

take me home

Take me back to my beginning

Before the hell of night set in

And I came to this border

take me home

I have toured the endless starlight

take me home

I have shattered under midnight

take me home

There are no vultures in this clearing

Except the ones who brought me here

And I'll no longer feed them

take me home

Kingdom come, their will was done

And now the earth is far awayfrom any kind of heaven

Hallowed be these frozen fields

And every single one of us

still left in want of mercy

Take us home

Now the bells stand still and hollow

take me home

And no one has come to mourn me

take me home

Find me where I close my eyes

Beneath this sky of powerlines

And let me see us clearly

take me home

Kingdom come, their will was done

And now the earth is far away

from any kind of heaven

Hallowed be these frozen fields

And every single one of us

Still left in want of mercy

This reminds me of someone. It's not coming out clearly yet who that is. But it does. Perhaps it's me.

Bruised inside

"Out Is Through"
Alanis Morrissette

Every time you raise your voice
I see the greener grass
Every time you run for cover
I see this pasture
Every time we're in a funk
I picture a different choice
Every time we're in a rut
This distant grandeur

My tendency to want to do away feels natural and
My urgency to dream of softer places feels understandable
The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

Every time I'm confused
I think there must be easier ways
Every time our horns are locked on towel throwing
Every time we're at a loss, we've bolted from difficulty
Anytime we're still made of final bowing
My tendency to want to hide away feels easier and
The immediacy is picturing another place comforting to go

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

We could just walk away and hide our heads in the sand
We could just call it quits, only to start all over again
With somebody else
Every time we're stuck in struggle,
I'm down for the count that day
Every time I dream of quick fix I'm assuaged
Now I know it's hard when it's through
And I'm damned if I don't know quick fix way
But formerly mistreat me silence now outdated
My tendency to want to run feels unnatural now
The urgency to want to give to you I don't want most feels good

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

Jack and I had a meeting with our therapist, the inestimable Gloria Brame, today. It was... hard. The discussion started out really sounding as though she felt that we should break up. We told her about the growing distance, and the abortive attempt at intercourse that ended with me flashing back to the rape and then having panic attacks all the next day.
She pointed out that I have been feeling pressured recently with everything going on, that I feel guilty about enjoying myself so much when I'm out (where I don't feel pressured). Then, I get home, feel pressured to not show the guilt and 'fix' things (after all, I'm the female- fixing relationship things is my job), and when I can't I feel more guilty, more like escaping, and more pressure to come home and fix it.
Nasty cycle much?
So that growing pressure somehow equated in my head with the pressure I felt during the rape.

The conversation continued, and Jack got steadily more uncomfortable, feeling like what I really want is open poly and he's keeping me from that. Eventually, he got up and started packing again. I was torn between screaming and crying, but I kept the conversation going and just updated Gloria.

I folowed him in and forced the conversation a little, not letting him shut us out, and we eventually talked through it again. He has been feeling like he is holding me back, and I have been feeling like I'm dragging him forward. We've both been having a lot of trouble processing and dealing with that, but we agreed (after much more discussion) that that's okay. We balance each other, and that's no bad thing- I'm impulsive, selfish, and self-absorbed. I just am, and I'm okay with that- anyone who can't deal with it needs to not be around me. I dive into things headfirst, with boundless enthusiasm and a frightening capacity to get hurt- having someone slow me down and force me to stop and think my way through things is no bad thing.
And he gets weighed down by inertia, so having someone tugging him forward is no bad thing for him either.

Anyway, there was more to it than that. A lot more. The highlights, however, are that we love each other, we're committed to one another as primaries, everyone else is temporary. That we need to make a bigger effort to reconnect (more time out together and gym time, we're thinking), and that we want to keep trying.
And that neither of us has the right to end the relationship until we move.

Oh yeah, and that we need to make out more :-D