The Knight-errant

I need someone to hurt me. 

I need someone to beat the ever-loving shit out of me. 

Unfortunately, there's no one whom I can ask.  

Yes, Jack would be happy to oblige. 

Yes, Lucivar loves to hurt me. 

Yes, the Cunning Linguist would thoroughly enjoy beating the crap out of me. 

Yes, Ahela has been hinting at wanting to play again, and breaking me would be an excellent return in his eyes. 

But there's no one I can ask. 

Jack is part of my stress. Our relationship is doing extremely well, and so is he, but the last few weeks have been very hard on us both and he has a role in my stress. That is not to say that its his fault, or that he's in any way to blame. That would be like blaming the clouds for being part of the hurricane. 

Lucivar is my responsibility. I'm still in Knight-Errant mode, and can't get out of it. The Knight in my head considers him Mine, and therefore someone I care for and protect, not someone I ask for help. 

Normally, I'm perfectly happy to ask him to hurt me- we both enjoy it thoroughly, but I've pushed myself far deeper into this mindset than usual (it's been necessary the last week), and I can't get out of it.

Part of why I need to have the shit beaten out of me is to force me out of it. See the paradox?

The Cunning Linguist would love to, and will be happy to... in 2 weeks when he's next in town. He lives three hours away, and works days. 

As for Ahela, well... let it suffice to say that I am not sure that repeating old choices is wise in this case. I don't trust him to be there for me in the long-term (or even the medium), and besides... it's not as though he's available in-person for a real beating. 

So yeah. I'm stuck in Knight-errant mode, drowning under the weight of the world on my shoulders and knowing in my logical mind that my responsibilities have been discharged and I can relax and let go... but unable to. 

Unable to believe for real that I can let down my guard, set aside my shield. 

I need to be forced to helplessness, made to fight until I am panting, bleeding, and, finally, forced to surrender. 

But I know that in this mindset, I won't be capable of surrendering to those to whom I perceive myself as having a repsonsibility to be strong for.

Paradox.