For the record, I am not commenting on today being September 11th.
Oh wait, I just did.
Dammit.
11 September 2008
Awesome idea
I just got the most wonderful idea from Ellie Lumpesse: Cuddle Party!
Yes, I know, it wasn't her idea. But it's still a *good* idea.
I can't do it right now, too many of my friends here are homophobic and/or would feel like cuddling violates their monogamy somehow.
But when I get to Atlanta... just you wait.
*runs off to design invitations and consider a guest list*
Yes, I know, it wasn't her idea. But it's still a *good* idea.
I can't do it right now, too many of my friends here are homophobic and/or would feel like cuddling violates their monogamy somehow.
But when I get to Atlanta... just you wait.
*runs off to design invitations and consider a guest list*
10 September 2008
The friend of my friend is my....?
I got reminded tonight that I'm different.
Because you know, I needed another reminder :)
I talked to a friend of mine today who works with Jack. She's a rope Top, really awesome gal who did my henna for DragonCon. We were talking about playing, and the lack of good opportunities to play in the town where we live.
So I suggested she come with me to Atlanta one weekend, perhaps October's FemDom and TNG events. She liked the idea, and I suggested that we could probably stay with Kat. I texted Kat, asking his thoughts on the idea of a FemDom friend of mine coming up with me and attending the events, and that she'd need to stay with us and liked the idea of coTopping him with me.
His response surprised me, that he'd have to meet her first.
I guess I forgot that open hospitality isn't second-nature to everyone. That a friend of a friend doesn't automatically get a certain level of consideration/clearance for most people.
I suppose I'm just very European about that- it's relatively standard practice in large parts of Europe that a friend of a friend is always welcome as a guest, and that if you know one person in Europe you need never stay in a hotel no matter where you go (of course, a certain level of consideration and respect is expected of the guest!).
Maybe it's being Southern. I learned it, I think, from my parents. They both had a lot of faults, I'll be the first to say- but one thing they always shared was an open-hearted hospitality and generosity that epitomizes, to me, Southern hospitality.
Even my aunts, whom I detest as a general rule, follow this Southern hospitality. One of them allowed my father to bring 5 friends- none of whom she had ever met!- from another state in to stay at her house during a week-long workshop they were all attending.
Either of my parents would bend over backwards for any one of their friends, and they expected (and usually received) the same in return. And a friend of a friend was treated as a friend in their own right until/unless the proved otherwise. I remember being 15, and a friend from Ireland who worked with my father had friends come to visit him in the States from Germany. C, our friend, didn't have room for the couple to stay, so my father immediately offered our house. They were friends of C's, and they needed a place to stay, so of course we would offer. The fact that I was taking German and could speak enough to help us all get along was simply a bonus. :)
That was simply how things worked.
To me, it's still how things work. A friend of my friend is a friend until they prove otherwise. It's how I've met the majority of my friends (it's how I met Jack, and A, for example). Sure, it's back-fired a few times, but it's been very successful far more times than it's failed me.
I asked Jack about it, and he suggested that perhaps it's our culture of fear. He has a point, someone we don't know ourselves is still an unknown quantity to some extent... but if I can't trust my friends to have good judgement about their friends, what does that say about me?
I'd really love to get some comments and thoughts on this. Im honestly floored by it. I don't blame Kat, and I'm certainly not angry or upset, I'm just honestly confused.
Because you know, I needed another reminder :)
I talked to a friend of mine today who works with Jack. She's a rope Top, really awesome gal who did my henna for DragonCon. We were talking about playing, and the lack of good opportunities to play in the town where we live.
So I suggested she come with me to Atlanta one weekend, perhaps October's FemDom and TNG events. She liked the idea, and I suggested that we could probably stay with Kat. I texted Kat, asking his thoughts on the idea of a FemDom friend of mine coming up with me and attending the events, and that she'd need to stay with us and liked the idea of coTopping him with me.
His response surprised me, that he'd have to meet her first.
I guess I forgot that open hospitality isn't second-nature to everyone. That a friend of a friend doesn't automatically get a certain level of consideration/clearance for most people.
I suppose I'm just very European about that- it's relatively standard practice in large parts of Europe that a friend of a friend is always welcome as a guest, and that if you know one person in Europe you need never stay in a hotel no matter where you go (of course, a certain level of consideration and respect is expected of the guest!).
Maybe it's being Southern. I learned it, I think, from my parents. They both had a lot of faults, I'll be the first to say- but one thing they always shared was an open-hearted hospitality and generosity that epitomizes, to me, Southern hospitality.
Even my aunts, whom I detest as a general rule, follow this Southern hospitality. One of them allowed my father to bring 5 friends- none of whom she had ever met!- from another state in to stay at her house during a week-long workshop they were all attending.
Either of my parents would bend over backwards for any one of their friends, and they expected (and usually received) the same in return. And a friend of a friend was treated as a friend in their own right until/unless the proved otherwise. I remember being 15, and a friend from Ireland who worked with my father had friends come to visit him in the States from Germany. C, our friend, didn't have room for the couple to stay, so my father immediately offered our house. They were friends of C's, and they needed a place to stay, so of course we would offer. The fact that I was taking German and could speak enough to help us all get along was simply a bonus. :)
That was simply how things worked.
To me, it's still how things work. A friend of my friend is a friend until they prove otherwise. It's how I've met the majority of my friends (it's how I met Jack, and A, for example). Sure, it's back-fired a few times, but it's been very successful far more times than it's failed me.
I asked Jack about it, and he suggested that perhaps it's our culture of fear. He has a point, someone we don't know ourselves is still an unknown quantity to some extent... but if I can't trust my friends to have good judgement about their friends, what does that say about me?
I'd really love to get some comments and thoughts on this. Im honestly floored by it. I don't blame Kat, and I'm certainly not angry or upset, I'm just honestly confused.
I just found the picture in my phone that I took of him last weekend. The one where he's lying face down, his hands cuffed at the small of his back and his ass red from my reaching for whatever toy came to hand and using it until I got bored, then reaching for another.
Mother of God, that was so hot, and seeing that picture just brought it all back again.
*happy shiver*
Oh yeah, and my birthday dinner is tonight. We forgot to arrange for a cake. Which is to say, *I* forgot, since I have to do all of these things myself :)
Mother of God, that was so hot, and seeing that picture just brought it all back again.
*happy shiver*
Oh yeah, and my birthday dinner is tonight. We forgot to arrange for a cake. Which is to say, *I* forgot, since I have to do all of these things myself :)
Orgasm control
We talked last night about orgasms, and orgasm control. I love orgasm control. I was never really into it, but I've definitely become a fan. Now, note the word, "control", not the word, "denial". I don't like orgasm denial much. I like it too much when he cums.
I like making him wait a day or two, yes. I like watching the tension in him rise. I like the way he wonders if this time I'll make him wait longer. I like the slight nervousness. I like the way that everything is just a little sexier than it should be, just a little more arousing. The way the TV conspires with me and makes sure there's a show involving scantily-clad women, usually athletic ones. The way he gets that slight whine in his voice when I tell him, "No", and he says, "Yes, Ma'am".
I love that.
But do you know what else I love? I love it when he cums. I love the way his breathing speeds up and gets ragged. The tension in his beautiful body. The little sounds that he makes, the way that his eyes go wide and blind just as he orgasms. The way his hands clench, and then his whole body relaxes against me. Jesus I love that.
My sex drive is broken right now, but just thinking about that is enough to make me hot.
I love orgasm control.
I like making him wait a day or two, yes. I like watching the tension in him rise. I like the way he wonders if this time I'll make him wait longer. I like the slight nervousness. I like the way that everything is just a little sexier than it should be, just a little more arousing. The way the TV conspires with me and makes sure there's a show involving scantily-clad women, usually athletic ones. The way he gets that slight whine in his voice when I tell him, "No", and he says, "Yes, Ma'am".
I love that.
But do you know what else I love? I love it when he cums. I love the way his breathing speeds up and gets ragged. The tension in his beautiful body. The little sounds that he makes, the way that his eyes go wide and blind just as he orgasms. The way his hands clench, and then his whole body relaxes against me. Jesus I love that.
My sex drive is broken right now, but just thinking about that is enough to make me hot.
I love orgasm control.
09 September 2008
Fall Traveling Plans
Ok. Next weekend I'll be driving to Atlanta to stay with Terry & Daniel and attend BITCH and WS.
I'll drive up Thursday, stay with my darling Kat, then either spend the day in Atlanta and drive to T & D's after BITCH, or drive out there Friday-day and ride to BITCH with them. It depends on if they decide to attend. Saturday I intend to spend quietly with Terry & Daniel and then attend WS (preferably riding with them) Saturday night. Sunday, I'll return to Atlanta for a big belated birthday dinner with friends, stay with Kat, and then Monday morning while he's at work I'll drive home.
Yay for workable plans.
Now, as for DomCon and Biketoberfest.
Jack and I discussed Biketoberfest last night. The plan was originally that we will trailer my bike to Gainesville, FL like we did last year and I will ride from there to Daytona and stay with Jennifer while he visits his mother and goes to a hockey game in Tampa. Just like last year. There's only one snag. We don't have access to a truck this year like we did last year. See, we both drive small cars, neither of which are capable of towing a motorcycle. Well, his COULD but it's a sports car and features a regrettable lack of trailer hitch.
Therefore, with DomCon only the weekend before, I've been thinking that I just can't make that. I'm a college student, for Havens sake and I the grant under which I work just ended. I won’t know until today whether I have a second job or not. In other words, whether I have an income.
Oops.
But see, aside from my wanting to go to Biketoberfest, there’s an additional complication. Jack hasn’t seen his mother in months. And he adores his mom. He’s a momma’s boy, something I heartily encourage because she is an amazing woman and I adore her myself. So… Jack refuses to go 6 hours to Gainesville without me going to. Leaving me feeling pressured to spend additional money on an event I just don’t think that I can manage.
However, after a bit of a temper tantrum on both of our sides, I said that damned if I wasn’t considering just buying him a damned plane ticket to Tampa for that weekend and making sure it was non-refundable so he had no choice.
So, of course, like he usually does when I make some comment like that in temper, he said that that was a good thought.
It always stops me in my tracks, he knows me far too well. And now we have a compromise. I can’t go to Biketoberfest this year (unless someone wants to send me a few hundred dollars just because I’m cute and ride a bike!) but I will go back up to Atlanta the weekend after DomCon for BITCH and Whippersnappers while Jack flies to Tampa. WHY this is easier than his driving there I have *no* idea, but apparently it is.
Which means that my October travel plans are now:
DomCon October 9-12 in Atlanta. Jack and I will drive up to Atlanta after class and stay with Kat that night. Friday morning we will all check into the hotel, and meet Daniel there, as he is staying with us. We are hoping that Terry will be able to join him, but work has not yet told her if she can or not. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday days will be taken up with workshops (my picks will be posted later), and Friday night Jack will be attending a hockey game and I will attend the play party at 1763 with Kat and Daniel. (Gee, my life just sucks. Really. I get to attend a play party with two beautiful, submissive men. Dammit!)
Saturday night will be another play party, and if my libido and submissive side are ‘repaired’ then I’d like to play with Jack. Otherwise, I’ll watch him play and possibly play a little more myself.
Then Sunday day we will check out of the hotel and after the workshops attend the After-Party, and retire to Kat’s house Sunday night, then drive home Monday morning. Probably very LATE Monday morning.
The next weekend will be BITCH and Whippersnappers, so I will do my usual Thursday afternoon drive to Atlanta, then stay with Kat that weekend while I attend both events and possibly do a bit of modeling while I’m there. I think that post-DomCon, however, I’ll be on a pretty strict budget :-)
Especially since there are some pretty big Halloween fetish events there which I am strongly considering attempting to attend.
November will ComiCon in Atlanta, assuming that I can still afford it and want to go. I'll probably volunteer if I do decide to go.
And, of course, then there's The Move in December.
I'll drive up Thursday, stay with my darling Kat, then either spend the day in Atlanta and drive to T & D's after BITCH, or drive out there Friday-day and ride to BITCH with them. It depends on if they decide to attend. Saturday I intend to spend quietly with Terry & Daniel and then attend WS (preferably riding with them) Saturday night. Sunday, I'll return to Atlanta for a big belated birthday dinner with friends, stay with Kat, and then Monday morning while he's at work I'll drive home.
Yay for workable plans.
Now, as for DomCon and Biketoberfest.
Jack and I discussed Biketoberfest last night. The plan was originally that we will trailer my bike to Gainesville, FL like we did last year and I will ride from there to Daytona and stay with Jennifer while he visits his mother and goes to a hockey game in Tampa. Just like last year. There's only one snag. We don't have access to a truck this year like we did last year. See, we both drive small cars, neither of which are capable of towing a motorcycle. Well, his COULD but it's a sports car and features a regrettable lack of trailer hitch.
Therefore, with DomCon only the weekend before, I've been thinking that I just can't make that. I'm a college student, for Havens sake and I the grant under which I work just ended. I won’t know until today whether I have a second job or not. In other words, whether I have an income.
Oops.
But see, aside from my wanting to go to Biketoberfest, there’s an additional complication. Jack hasn’t seen his mother in months. And he adores his mom. He’s a momma’s boy, something I heartily encourage because she is an amazing woman and I adore her myself. So… Jack refuses to go 6 hours to Gainesville without me going to. Leaving me feeling pressured to spend additional money on an event I just don’t think that I can manage.
However, after a bit of a temper tantrum on both of our sides, I said that damned if I wasn’t considering just buying him a damned plane ticket to Tampa for that weekend and making sure it was non-refundable so he had no choice.
So, of course, like he usually does when I make some comment like that in temper, he said that that was a good thought.
It always stops me in my tracks, he knows me far too well. And now we have a compromise. I can’t go to Biketoberfest this year (unless someone wants to send me a few hundred dollars just because I’m cute and ride a bike!) but I will go back up to Atlanta the weekend after DomCon for BITCH and Whippersnappers while Jack flies to Tampa. WHY this is easier than his driving there I have *no* idea, but apparently it is.
Which means that my October travel plans are now:
DomCon October 9-12 in Atlanta. Jack and I will drive up to Atlanta after class and stay with Kat that night. Friday morning we will all check into the hotel, and meet Daniel there, as he is staying with us. We are hoping that Terry will be able to join him, but work has not yet told her if she can or not. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday days will be taken up with workshops (my picks will be posted later), and Friday night Jack will be attending a hockey game and I will attend the play party at 1763 with Kat and Daniel. (Gee, my life just sucks. Really. I get to attend a play party with two beautiful, submissive men. Dammit!)
Saturday night will be another play party, and if my libido and submissive side are ‘repaired’ then I’d like to play with Jack. Otherwise, I’ll watch him play and possibly play a little more myself.
Then Sunday day we will check out of the hotel and after the workshops attend the After-Party, and retire to Kat’s house Sunday night, then drive home Monday morning. Probably very LATE Monday morning.
The next weekend will be BITCH and Whippersnappers, so I will do my usual Thursday afternoon drive to Atlanta, then stay with Kat that weekend while I attend both events and possibly do a bit of modeling while I’m there. I think that post-DomCon, however, I’ll be on a pretty strict budget :-)
Especially since there are some pretty big Halloween fetish events there which I am strongly considering attempting to attend.
November will ComiCon in Atlanta, assuming that I can still afford it and want to go. I'll probably volunteer if I do decide to go.
And, of course, then there's The Move in December.
Happy birthday to me :)
I woke up this morning to my phone buzzing. Now, normally I’m REALLY not a fan of being woken up by the phone- it usually means that it’s 3am and someone’s in jail, in the hospital, suicidal, or broken down on the side of the road. But this was a sunshiney birthday morning and on the other end of the line was the ever-wonderful Suzanne SexySadist. Suz. One of my favorite people in the world, beginning my day with birthday felicitations and a few minutes to catch up. I got up and made tea as we chatted, then sat back and enjoyed catching up. She is a truly amazing woman, and busier than a cat with a dozen kittens. Gentlemen, if you’re looking for a truly unique and incredible proDomme experience in the upper New York area, I strongly encourage you to contact this lovely and talented lady. Ok, end plug. Anyway, it was a really lovely way to wake up.
Until, of course, I looked at my phone and realized that somehow it had become an hour later than I thought, and I was due in class in 10 minutes. School is 30 minutes away.
Oops. So Jack and I had a leisurely morning missing our first class and having a one of my favorite blends of tea- Tropical Blend by Elmwood Inn- with homemade sausage bread. And yes, by homemade, I mean that I made it. I finally realized that the breadmaker I’ve had for 2 years works and I can use it. So yesterday I made honey-wheat bread with chipotle sausage baked into it.
And now I’m happily blogging in my US Constitution class, between rounds of agreement and sparring with the instructor about interpretations of the Bill of Rights. I’ll be updating this as my birthday goes on :)
Until, of course, I looked at my phone and realized that somehow it had become an hour later than I thought, and I was due in class in 10 minutes. School is 30 minutes away.
Oops. So Jack and I had a leisurely morning missing our first class and having a one of my favorite blends of tea- Tropical Blend by Elmwood Inn- with homemade sausage bread. And yes, by homemade, I mean that I made it. I finally realized that the breadmaker I’ve had for 2 years works and I can use it. So yesterday I made honey-wheat bread with chipotle sausage baked into it.
And now I’m happily blogging in my US Constitution class, between rounds of agreement and sparring with the instructor about interpretations of the Bill of Rights. I’ll be updating this as my birthday goes on :)
08 September 2008
A conversation on FetLife
So I just got this email:
miss Bellaforte,
Bows head in respects, I am just starting my quest in networking my way around after being a 24/7 for the last 6.5 years. I would like to know as many people as I can from all over the country as I am not sure where I may end up.
Thank you for your time.
Cluelesssubboy
Ok, so that isn't his name. But it might as well be.
I don't get this. Seriously. Do you think that randomly emailing people because their picture shows tits (and mine surely does. See? Here) and telling them you want to create ties with them creates any kind of tie I'd like to have.
In sociology, there're what we refer to as 'strong ties' and 'weak ties'.
My strong ties are with, say, Kat. Or the guys at the Harley dealership hang out with at Hooters every Wednesday night for Bike Night. Or my boss/teacher who is helping me get accepted to GSU.
Those are strong ties. People who actually know me, and have a connection to ME.
Weak ties are the proverbial 'friend of a friend'. The guy my godfather has known forever who he sends me to to get my car worked on. The lawyer friend of my father's whom I hope desperately will explain my trust agreement in something that resembles english. The electrician that my aunt has used since he was a teenager.
These are weak ties.
I'm sorry, but personally I can't view someone who's only randomly emailed me as anything but a weak tie.
Now don't get me wrong. I have a friend in Canada I've never met. I've shared my most intimate secrets with her via Livejournal for 5 years. I have her address and she has mine. I have her counselor's phone number and send presents every Solstice to her children. I've never met her in person, but she is my friend.
She is, however, the ONLY person I am willing to say that about, and I say it about her only because she has been there for me through my divorce, through an emotionally abusive "D/s" relationship, through the death of my mother, my roommate, and my best friend in Florida, through finding out how badly my mother screwed me, and starting school, and meeting Jack, and exploring my own interests.... through, well, everything in the past 5 years.
That is a strong tie.
Random boy who doesn't even have anything to say directly about me (a comment on my profile or one of my pics maybe? something to show that he did more than just picture skim?) is a weak tie, and is unlikely to ever be anything else.
miss Bellaforte,
Bows head in respects, I am just starting my quest in networking my way around after being a 24/7 for the last 6.5 years. I would like to know as many people as I can from all over the country as I am not sure where I may end up.
Thank you for your time.
Cluelesssubboy
Ok, so that isn't his name. But it might as well be.
I don't get this. Seriously. Do you think that randomly emailing people because their picture shows tits (and mine surely does. See? Here) and telling them you want to create ties with them creates any kind of tie I'd like to have.
In sociology, there're what we refer to as 'strong ties' and 'weak ties'.
My strong ties are with, say, Kat. Or the guys at the Harley dealership hang out with at Hooters every Wednesday night for Bike Night. Or my boss/teacher who is helping me get accepted to GSU.
Those are strong ties. People who actually know me, and have a connection to ME.
Weak ties are the proverbial 'friend of a friend'. The guy my godfather has known forever who he sends me to to get my car worked on. The lawyer friend of my father's whom I hope desperately will explain my trust agreement in something that resembles english. The electrician that my aunt has used since he was a teenager.
These are weak ties.
I'm sorry, but personally I can't view someone who's only randomly emailed me as anything but a weak tie.
Now don't get me wrong. I have a friend in Canada I've never met. I've shared my most intimate secrets with her via Livejournal for 5 years. I have her address and she has mine. I have her counselor's phone number and send presents every Solstice to her children. I've never met her in person, but she is my friend.
She is, however, the ONLY person I am willing to say that about, and I say it about her only because she has been there for me through my divorce, through an emotionally abusive "D/s" relationship, through the death of my mother, my roommate, and my best friend in Florida, through finding out how badly my mother screwed me, and starting school, and meeting Jack, and exploring my own interests.... through, well, everything in the past 5 years.
That is a strong tie.
Random boy who doesn't even have anything to say directly about me (a comment on my profile or one of my pics maybe? something to show that he did more than just picture skim?) is a weak tie, and is unlikely to ever be anything else.
07 September 2008
Power exchange vs power siphoning
Power exchange. Exchange. Exchange of power. Definition of an exchange: to give up (something) for something else; part with for some equivalent; change for another(per Dictionary.com)
This definition states pretty clearly that for an exchange to take place, each person has to give something to the other. In true D/s, there is an exchange of power. That's why it's called... wait for it!... POWER EXCHANGE! When I'm with Kat, there is an exchange- of energy, of desire. I crave his submission just as much as he craves my dominance.
I know there are women especially who pretend that they are aloof goddesses of pain, and are completely unaffected by the man grovelling at their feet... but I'll be honest. I'm not one of them. When he is on his knees in front of me, with that gorgeous expression on his face that says that he will walk through fire if only I'll ask him to- it just sends this spike of pure pleasure through my very soul. It makes me happy in ways I don't know how to describe. I fucking love it. When I don't see him for a while, I start craving it, thinking of things to do to him, imagining the taste of his flesh when I bite into it. I start seeing the beautiful welts on his flesh in my mind's eye, the texture of his skin after a good hard spanking... yeah. I'm starting to drool here.
So *drags mind firmly back to topic* there is an exchange there. I know he fantasizes about me as well, thinks about the sound of my voice and the touch of my hands. Many 'nilla folks think D/s is one-sided. They think that the dominant gets whatever she wants and the submissive is just stuck with it. That's not so at all, as anyone who's been involved with the scene knows. Dominants work, and work hard. Good ones do, anyway. That's a separate rant, but let it suffice to say that good dominants 'give' as much as their submissives do.
There are a lot of bad dominants out there. Dominants who siphon power from their subs, who expect their subs to give over everything of themselves, while they sit back and sip a martini. But I'll rant about those another day.
What's on my mind right now is subs who do the same thing. Subs who are completely emotionally dependent, completely unable to function without the approval/permission/constant coaxing of their dominants. The subs who NEED constant feedback/approval from their dominants just to keep breathing.
Starfish subs. In 'nilla het sex, there's a derogatory term for certain women: 'starfish'. These are women who lay back, spread their legs, and expect the men to do all the work. The subs who never want to develop any kind of personal responsibility, or sense of efficacy. Who expect the dominant to hold ALL of the power and al of the strength so that they never have to develop any of their own. Starfish subs.
I know some dominants love these. Personally, they drive me insane. I can't find any kind of attraction to someone who doesn't have any sense of efficacy. What power is being exchanged with a person who has no power? That's not power exchange, that's power siphoning. Maybe you're UberGodDom/me with unlimited personal power to be siphoned by a starfish sub, but I'm not. I'm just not, and 20 minutes with a starfish drains me to the dregs until I have nothing to give to the subs who can give something back.
This definition states pretty clearly that for an exchange to take place, each person has to give something to the other. In true D/s, there is an exchange of power. That's why it's called... wait for it!... POWER EXCHANGE! When I'm with Kat, there is an exchange- of energy, of desire. I crave his submission just as much as he craves my dominance.
I know there are women especially who pretend that they are aloof goddesses of pain, and are completely unaffected by the man grovelling at their feet... but I'll be honest. I'm not one of them. When he is on his knees in front of me, with that gorgeous expression on his face that says that he will walk through fire if only I'll ask him to- it just sends this spike of pure pleasure through my very soul. It makes me happy in ways I don't know how to describe. I fucking love it. When I don't see him for a while, I start craving it, thinking of things to do to him, imagining the taste of his flesh when I bite into it. I start seeing the beautiful welts on his flesh in my mind's eye, the texture of his skin after a good hard spanking... yeah. I'm starting to drool here.
So *drags mind firmly back to topic* there is an exchange there. I know he fantasizes about me as well, thinks about the sound of my voice and the touch of my hands. Many 'nilla folks think D/s is one-sided. They think that the dominant gets whatever she wants and the submissive is just stuck with it. That's not so at all, as anyone who's been involved with the scene knows. Dominants work, and work hard. Good ones do, anyway. That's a separate rant, but let it suffice to say that good dominants 'give' as much as their submissives do.
There are a lot of bad dominants out there. Dominants who siphon power from their subs, who expect their subs to give over everything of themselves, while they sit back and sip a martini. But I'll rant about those another day.
What's on my mind right now is subs who do the same thing. Subs who are completely emotionally dependent, completely unable to function without the approval/permission/constant coaxing of their dominants. The subs who NEED constant feedback/approval from their dominants just to keep breathing.
Starfish subs. In 'nilla het sex, there's a derogatory term for certain women: 'starfish'. These are women who lay back, spread their legs, and expect the men to do all the work. The subs who never want to develop any kind of personal responsibility, or sense of efficacy. Who expect the dominant to hold ALL of the power and al of the strength so that they never have to develop any of their own. Starfish subs.
I know some dominants love these. Personally, they drive me insane. I can't find any kind of attraction to someone who doesn't have any sense of efficacy. What power is being exchanged with a person who has no power? That's not power exchange, that's power siphoning. Maybe you're UberGodDom/me with unlimited personal power to be siphoned by a starfish sub, but I'm not. I'm just not, and 20 minutes with a starfish drains me to the dregs until I have nothing to give to the subs who can give something back.
I'm sending you to another blog
This is why I love Gloria Brame, sex therapist and FemDom extraordinaire:
Discomgoogolated sex addicts
Discomgoogolated sex addicts
05 September 2008
So fucking lucky
I just have to say it again: I'm so incredibly lucky.
I attended Dragon*Con with Kat last weekend. Now, for those who don't know me, let me be frank: I suck at taking care of myself. Seriously.
I don't remember to eat for days at a time, I never drink enough water, I am more concerned about taking care of everyone else than getting any sleep, and GODS FORBID I remember to clean out my new belly piercing.
And for those who know anything about Dragon*Con, well, you know that that's a place where it's especially easy to forget to do those things. I was pretty much assuming I'd put myself in the hospital by the end of it.
What I hadn't reckoned on was Kat.
I recently referred to submissive men as superheroes. He is my inspiration for that. He ensured that I ate several times a day, reminded me to clean out my piercing, gently shepherded me to bed when I was reeling from exhaustion, and constantly supplied me with water.
You have no idea how hard that was! I'll be honest, I'm a pain in the ass. When I go longer than a few hours without eating and my blood sugar is low, I actively resist eating (I so fail at self-preservation). When I'm exhausted, I get punchy and bitchy and just plain nasty to anyone who suggests I go to bed. I'm a massive pain in the ass, and I don't mean in fun and kinky ways.
And yet somehow, without ever losing his submission, Kat chivvied me to bed when I needed it, convinced me to eat when necessary, even got me to drink water.
Baby, I don't know how you did it, but I'm so incredibly grateful that you did, and reminded all over again how lucky I am to have you in my life.
I attended Dragon*Con with Kat last weekend. Now, for those who don't know me, let me be frank: I suck at taking care of myself. Seriously.
I don't remember to eat for days at a time, I never drink enough water, I am more concerned about taking care of everyone else than getting any sleep, and GODS FORBID I remember to clean out my new belly piercing.
And for those who know anything about Dragon*Con, well, you know that that's a place where it's especially easy to forget to do those things. I was pretty much assuming I'd put myself in the hospital by the end of it.
What I hadn't reckoned on was Kat.
I recently referred to submissive men as superheroes. He is my inspiration for that. He ensured that I ate several times a day, reminded me to clean out my piercing, gently shepherded me to bed when I was reeling from exhaustion, and constantly supplied me with water.
You have no idea how hard that was! I'll be honest, I'm a pain in the ass. When I go longer than a few hours without eating and my blood sugar is low, I actively resist eating (I so fail at self-preservation). When I'm exhausted, I get punchy and bitchy and just plain nasty to anyone who suggests I go to bed. I'm a massive pain in the ass, and I don't mean in fun and kinky ways.
And yet somehow, without ever losing his submission, Kat chivvied me to bed when I needed it, convinced me to eat when necessary, even got me to drink water.
Baby, I don't know how you did it, but I'm so incredibly grateful that you did, and reminded all over again how lucky I am to have you in my life.
An experiment
So I've decided that I'm going to think of this imbalance between my Top and bottom sides as a social experiment.
How does being this out of balance with one side effect the other?
I'm a switch, I've mentioned it before. If I dont get both sides filled enough, I'm not a happy camper. But I've never gone very long without them both, so I've never gotten to find this out.
Will I lose all interest and go 'nilla for a while?
Will I turn into a raging psycho-bitch with my Top side?
Will I just get depressed and lose interest in sexual things entirely?
Since I don't see a way to prevent this imbalance right now (Fucking YAY for not having a Top I trust around right now!), I might as well see what I can learn from it.
Effects so far: (almost 3 weeks since I've had good submissive headspace)
~increased grumpiness in general, probably due to my anger level at A
~increased sadism level in my Top side
~decreased ability to orgasm
~decreased interest in sex in general
~random insane mood swings
Well this s certainly going to get interesting. It's probably a good thing I won't be seeing Kat for a while...
How does being this out of balance with one side effect the other?
I'm a switch, I've mentioned it before. If I dont get both sides filled enough, I'm not a happy camper. But I've never gone very long without them both, so I've never gotten to find this out.
Will I lose all interest and go 'nilla for a while?
Will I turn into a raging psycho-bitch with my Top side?
Will I just get depressed and lose interest in sexual things entirely?
Since I don't see a way to prevent this imbalance right now (Fucking YAY for not having a Top I trust around right now!), I might as well see what I can learn from it.
Effects so far: (almost 3 weeks since I've had good submissive headspace)
~increased grumpiness in general, probably due to my anger level at A
~increased sadism level in my Top side
~decreased ability to orgasm
~decreased interest in sex in general
~random insane mood swings
Well this s certainly going to get interesting. It's probably a good thing I won't be seeing Kat for a while...
04 September 2008
Of superheroes and suffering
Can someone please tell me what the fuck is up with submissive men trying to look all femmey and whiney?
Seriously.
I love really masculine men. I like strength, muscles, body hair, macho yummy men. I find sissification and feminization kinda gross, quite frankly. Hey, if it's your kink that's fine.
But there's something that bothers the feminist in me about the idea that it's humiliating for you to seem more feminine. More like me.
The obvious derivation there is that being like me is humiliating.
Ex-fucking-scuse me?
No bloody well thank you.
I LIKE being female, and feminine. Sure, sometimes I wish the whole boobs thing was less of an issue- seriously, guys, try running with two water balloons filled with nerve ending strapped to your chest. I fucking dare you- but that aside, I like being a girl. I like the rights and privileges it gives me while I rant about the limitations that are still there.
I love my curvy thighs, wide hips, smooth skin, flat belly, heavy breasts, small hands. Secondary sex characteristics, they're called. Sex. Yes.
I like mine. More than that, I like people's (mostly men's) reactions to them.
But dammit, I like men. I like hairy, muscled legs, narrow hips, heavy, dangling cock and balls, muscled bellies, strong chests, corded necks, muscled arms, angeled jaws..... fucking YUM.
Seriously. I find nothing attractive about a skinny guy in a badly fitted maid's uniform and heels he doesn't know how to walk in.
Submissive men are heroes, really. So why are they marketing themselves as sissies? There's something really heroic about pursuing what you love in a culture that makes fun of you. That takes a kind of strength that I don't know if I have, personally. So I admire submissive men. I respect them. They're doing an incredibly hard thing, and (some of them at least) are doing it well.
Bitchy Jones commented that submissive men are superheroes. I agree. Have you ever really read those comics, or seen the movies- c'mon, the last 2 years we've been slammed with superhero movies. What's the definition of a superhero? I can make the argument that it doesn't require superpowers (Batman?), but simply requires a willingness to sacrifice his personal happiness for the good of the people. Spiderman, Batman, Superman. Batman is willing to be chased down and hunted so that the people can keep a comfortable idea of another hero. Superheroes suffer, sacrifice, and hurt... willingly. Daredevil, Wolverine, Blade... they suffer for others. Sure, there's is kinda a 'greater good' thing, but dammit I AM the greater good when you're kneeling in front of me and I'm holding the riding crop. Watching you suffer for me, watching the tears in your eyes as you accept the pain I'm giving you, the tension in your body as you lean to kiss the cane and the soft whimper when it raises a beautiful crimson welt on your skin.
That suffering is divine to me. To willingly place yourself in my- or any Domme's!- hands to suffer for us... that is divine. That is heroic. And I fucking love you for it.
So for Goddess' sake, please stop trying to make yourselves seem weak. It's not attractive, and it's not accurate.
Seriously.
I love really masculine men. I like strength, muscles, body hair, macho yummy men. I find sissification and feminization kinda gross, quite frankly. Hey, if it's your kink that's fine.
But there's something that bothers the feminist in me about the idea that it's humiliating for you to seem more feminine. More like me.
The obvious derivation there is that being like me is humiliating.
Ex-fucking-scuse me?
No bloody well thank you.
I LIKE being female, and feminine. Sure, sometimes I wish the whole boobs thing was less of an issue- seriously, guys, try running with two water balloons filled with nerve ending strapped to your chest. I fucking dare you- but that aside, I like being a girl. I like the rights and privileges it gives me while I rant about the limitations that are still there.
I love my curvy thighs, wide hips, smooth skin, flat belly, heavy breasts, small hands. Secondary sex characteristics, they're called. Sex. Yes.
I like mine. More than that, I like people's (mostly men's) reactions to them.
But dammit, I like men. I like hairy, muscled legs, narrow hips, heavy, dangling cock and balls, muscled bellies, strong chests, corded necks, muscled arms, angeled jaws..... fucking YUM.
Seriously. I find nothing attractive about a skinny guy in a badly fitted maid's uniform and heels he doesn't know how to walk in.
Submissive men are heroes, really. So why are they marketing themselves as sissies? There's something really heroic about pursuing what you love in a culture that makes fun of you. That takes a kind of strength that I don't know if I have, personally. So I admire submissive men. I respect them. They're doing an incredibly hard thing, and (some of them at least) are doing it well.
Bitchy Jones commented that submissive men are superheroes. I agree. Have you ever really read those comics, or seen the movies- c'mon, the last 2 years we've been slammed with superhero movies. What's the definition of a superhero? I can make the argument that it doesn't require superpowers (Batman?), but simply requires a willingness to sacrifice his personal happiness for the good of the people. Spiderman, Batman, Superman. Batman is willing to be chased down and hunted so that the people can keep a comfortable idea of another hero. Superheroes suffer, sacrifice, and hurt... willingly. Daredevil, Wolverine, Blade... they suffer for others. Sure, there's is kinda a 'greater good' thing, but dammit I AM the greater good when you're kneeling in front of me and I'm holding the riding crop. Watching you suffer for me, watching the tears in your eyes as you accept the pain I'm giving you, the tension in your body as you lean to kiss the cane and the soft whimper when it raises a beautiful crimson welt on your skin.
That suffering is divine to me. To willingly place yourself in my- or any Domme's!- hands to suffer for us... that is divine. That is heroic. And I fucking love you for it.
So for Goddess' sake, please stop trying to make yourselves seem weak. It's not attractive, and it's not accurate.
The men in my life, or, switching and balance
I'm a poly switch. I play on both sides of the whip, and they're both important to me. I crave both sides, need both sides.
I have an amazing partner. Jack. He is 'nilla kinky, and monogamous by nature, but has been incredibly supportive of my other partnerships. He is the other half of my life, I don't know that I could get by without him- not merely physically, but emotionally. It's silly and melodramatic to say that he is the other half of me, but it's not very far off. He has been there for me through some of the worst things in my life- and that's rather impressive as I've lived a pretty active life. I may love my other partners, but he is the one I think of when I think of 'home'.
I have an absolutely darling submissive, Kat, whom I adore. I am not what he is looking for long-term, and we both know that, but in the meantime it meets both of our needs. I love him. I love him with a deep, abiding, possessive passion. He is my first submissive, and he has taught me more than he knows. I love him for that as much as I love him for himself. Just being around him makes me incredibly happy.
I also have a dominant, A. We met online, and our play stays there. His relationship and distance from me don't allow for us to play in person, which is actually how it became okay with my partner. That was our first foray into the world of poly- A was my first dominant, and one day when I craving subbing, I found myself flirting with him. He called me on it, and I told Jack and apologized. His response shocked me: he told me that as long as it stayed long-distance, he didn't mind because my kink needs were stronger than his and he wanted me to be happy.
I have to have both sides of myself assuaged, or I get out of balance and unhappy. If I spend too much time without dominant headspace, I get itchy and bratty, and crave dominating. If I spend too much time without submissive headspace, I get cranky and have trouble focusing on anything involving dominance.
Given that it's not unusual for A to get busy, or side-tracked, and for me not to get submissive time in, that's kinda a problem...
It would be fine, except that I talk to Kat nearly every day, and visit him quite often. In other words, I get lots of Toppy time in. And I love it, Blessed Mother don't get me wrong, I LOVE it. When he is kneeling in front of me my whole body goes hot and cold and I just start drooling in pleasure.
But the longer I go without submissive headspace, the harder it is to get into a good Dominant space OR a submissive space. I have to really be pushed into submission, which most people aren't capable of doing. So I end up in a simmeringly resentful vanilla mode. Which really isn't fair to Kat, not to mention me.
So, obviously, I need to go and sub to someone! Gee, why didn't I think of that?
Oh, wait- I did.
There's one little kink in that plan (pun intended).
I have Jack's agreement to sub to two people, well three.
One is him, but I've been having a lot of trouble with that even before he got sick, and he's not able to push me into submission the way I need when I'm feeling like this.
Another is A, but A's in some weird vanilla mode and hasn't felt like playing in several weeks. See Bella's resentment level spike.
And the third lives in NY. Please note that I live in south Alabama. Yeah.
Fuck.
Expect lots of bitchy rants over the next little while.
I have an amazing partner. Jack. He is 'nilla kinky, and monogamous by nature, but has been incredibly supportive of my other partnerships. He is the other half of my life, I don't know that I could get by without him- not merely physically, but emotionally. It's silly and melodramatic to say that he is the other half of me, but it's not very far off. He has been there for me through some of the worst things in my life- and that's rather impressive as I've lived a pretty active life. I may love my other partners, but he is the one I think of when I think of 'home'.
I have an absolutely darling submissive, Kat, whom I adore. I am not what he is looking for long-term, and we both know that, but in the meantime it meets both of our needs. I love him. I love him with a deep, abiding, possessive passion. He is my first submissive, and he has taught me more than he knows. I love him for that as much as I love him for himself. Just being around him makes me incredibly happy.
I also have a dominant, A. We met online, and our play stays there. His relationship and distance from me don't allow for us to play in person, which is actually how it became okay with my partner. That was our first foray into the world of poly- A was my first dominant, and one day when I craving subbing, I found myself flirting with him. He called me on it, and I told Jack and apologized. His response shocked me: he told me that as long as it stayed long-distance, he didn't mind because my kink needs were stronger than his and he wanted me to be happy.
I have to have both sides of myself assuaged, or I get out of balance and unhappy. If I spend too much time without dominant headspace, I get itchy and bratty, and crave dominating. If I spend too much time without submissive headspace, I get cranky and have trouble focusing on anything involving dominance.
Given that it's not unusual for A to get busy, or side-tracked, and for me not to get submissive time in, that's kinda a problem...
It would be fine, except that I talk to Kat nearly every day, and visit him quite often. In other words, I get lots of Toppy time in. And I love it, Blessed Mother don't get me wrong, I LOVE it. When he is kneeling in front of me my whole body goes hot and cold and I just start drooling in pleasure.
But the longer I go without submissive headspace, the harder it is to get into a good Dominant space OR a submissive space. I have to really be pushed into submission, which most people aren't capable of doing. So I end up in a simmeringly resentful vanilla mode. Which really isn't fair to Kat, not to mention me.
So, obviously, I need to go and sub to someone! Gee, why didn't I think of that?
Oh, wait- I did.
There's one little kink in that plan (pun intended).
I have Jack's agreement to sub to two people, well three.
One is him, but I've been having a lot of trouble with that even before he got sick, and he's not able to push me into submission the way I need when I'm feeling like this.
Another is A, but A's in some weird vanilla mode and hasn't felt like playing in several weeks. See Bella's resentment level spike.
And the third lives in NY. Please note that I live in south Alabama. Yeah.
Fuck.
Expect lots of bitchy rants over the next little while.
03 September 2008
Some thoughts on love and possession
I told an ex of mine not terribly long ago that I wanted him happy more than I wanted him mine.
I didn’t think this was such an incredible concept. Surely to want anything else for your loved one is selfish, no?
Apparently, most of the world is selfish. Or at least, most of the people I know.
I watched two of my friends get their hearts broken recently. One of my best guy friends is in love with a girl who isn’t in love with him. Oh, she claims to be, but if she were for real, she’d stop leading him on and causing problems in his relationship with his girlfriend. His girlfriend is an amazing woman- beautiful, driven, and talented. But he’s so wrapped up in this girl that he can’t see it and he’s losing her slowly.
I don’t understand this kind of behavior. I’ve been in love with someone else while in a relationship. I have ex issues, I freely admit it. When I fall for someone, I do it forever, and that means I’m still in love with a couple of my exes. One in particular has been a weakness of mine for years. I’ve thought about him, fantasized about him, wished for him… but dammit, I have tried very hard not to make my partners feel like shit while I’ve done it. I know that getting back with this ex is a fantasy. His outlook on relationships is completely incompatible with mine- and so are my friend’s and the girl’s he’s so into. (Boy that wasn’t a confusing bunch of pronouns!)
I guess I don’t understand why this girl keeps playing him. Why she keeps telling him how awful her boyfriend is and how much she loves him… but that she’s staying with the boyfriend. Why she keeps him on a string, to the detriment of his relationships and life in general. Is her self-esteem so low? Does she truly want control over him more than she wants him to be happy? If so, I just don’t consider that real love. It’s too selfish to be love. So when I see him tearing up his relationship over her, I just want to scream, “What are you doing?! If you would break up with your girlfriend to be with this woman, then you need to not be with your girlfriend. Period. Obviously, she’s just a placeholder in your life because you can’t have the one you really want- or at least that’s what it looks like to the rest of us- and that’s selfish and unethical.”
You can’t tell me that this kind of shit is love. Some twisted form of lust and possession, maybe,
but not love.
Am I really that much of a saint, or are these three as fucked up as I think they are?
I didn’t think this was such an incredible concept. Surely to want anything else for your loved one is selfish, no?
Apparently, most of the world is selfish. Or at least, most of the people I know.
I watched two of my friends get their hearts broken recently. One of my best guy friends is in love with a girl who isn’t in love with him. Oh, she claims to be, but if she were for real, she’d stop leading him on and causing problems in his relationship with his girlfriend. His girlfriend is an amazing woman- beautiful, driven, and talented. But he’s so wrapped up in this girl that he can’t see it and he’s losing her slowly.
I don’t understand this kind of behavior. I’ve been in love with someone else while in a relationship. I have ex issues, I freely admit it. When I fall for someone, I do it forever, and that means I’m still in love with a couple of my exes. One in particular has been a weakness of mine for years. I’ve thought about him, fantasized about him, wished for him… but dammit, I have tried very hard not to make my partners feel like shit while I’ve done it. I know that getting back with this ex is a fantasy. His outlook on relationships is completely incompatible with mine- and so are my friend’s and the girl’s he’s so into. (Boy that wasn’t a confusing bunch of pronouns!)
I guess I don’t understand why this girl keeps playing him. Why she keeps telling him how awful her boyfriend is and how much she loves him… but that she’s staying with the boyfriend. Why she keeps him on a string, to the detriment of his relationships and life in general. Is her self-esteem so low? Does she truly want control over him more than she wants him to be happy? If so, I just don’t consider that real love. It’s too selfish to be love. So when I see him tearing up his relationship over her, I just want to scream, “What are you doing?! If you would break up with your girlfriend to be with this woman, then you need to not be with your girlfriend. Period. Obviously, she’s just a placeholder in your life because you can’t have the one you really want- or at least that’s what it looks like to the rest of us- and that’s selfish and unethical.”
You can’t tell me that this kind of shit is love. Some twisted form of lust and possession, maybe,
but not love.
Am I really that much of a saint, or are these three as fucked up as I think they are?
02 September 2008
An intro
Y'know, my birthday is a week from today. I turn 24.
When the fuck did I turn into a grown-up? Huh?!
I never wanted to be a grownup- I'm a polyamorous, bisexual switch, more interested in my next gratification than doing my homework. But somehow I've ended up with a house, a job, a good GPA, two pets, a couple of (mostly) healthy relationships, a position in the UU Fellowship I attend, and a several little side gigs that usually either make my money or subsidize my fun.
And I havea lot of fun to subsidize. I recently attended my first DragonCon, working security to subsidize my registration. In 2 weeks I am going up to Atlanta again for a FemDom event, followed by a TNG event and (if a photographer can be found as our usual one is unavailable) a photo shoot. Next month is DomCon (6 hours away), then Biketoberfest (8 hours away). And of course Biketoberfest and the two monthly FemDom and TNG events are on the same weekend.
And, of course, they all are going to be expensive.
When the fuck did I turn into a grown-up? Huh?!
I never wanted to be a grownup- I'm a polyamorous, bisexual switch, more interested in my next gratification than doing my homework. But somehow I've ended up with a house, a job, a good GPA, two pets, a couple of (mostly) healthy relationships, a position in the UU Fellowship I attend, and a several little side gigs that usually either make my money or subsidize my fun.
And I havea lot of fun to subsidize. I recently attended my first DragonCon, working security to subsidize my registration. In 2 weeks I am going up to Atlanta again for a FemDom event, followed by a TNG event and (if a photographer can be found as our usual one is unavailable) a photo shoot. Next month is DomCon (6 hours away), then Biketoberfest (8 hours away). And of course Biketoberfest and the two monthly FemDom and TNG events are on the same weekend.
And, of course, they all are going to be expensive.
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